Garrett: I'm still going to meetings. I'm still baptized. I'm not DA'd or DF'd. I'm a former Bethelite, Pioneer, Ministerial Servant and the son of a COBE for a neighboring congregation.
I give prayers at meetings, run microphones, give talks, been told I'm going to be recommended as Ministerial Servant come next CO visit, all that jazz.
But I'm awake to what the organization is. I'm just not ready to leave without my family. They're not awake yet. So for the time being, I am by all outward appearances a "good" witness.
Ray Franz has been demonized by this organization. But he's anything but a demon. I knew personally his uncle Fred, and I knew some of the Governing Body who were members while Ray was a member of the body. Now, when I say I "knew" them, I don't mean I hung out with them on a regular basis, but I did have close association with them on a few occasions.
I can vouch for his depictions of those brothers.
Ray's book Crisis of Conscience is not a bitter diatribe of a former member. It is a loving and humble account of his struggle with the same things you're going through - doubt, hypocrisy, and what to do about it.
Read it. Truth shouldn't be afraid of light. If Jehovah's Witnesses have the truth, then reading Ray's book won't change that. John said at 1 John 4:1: "Beloved ones, do not believe every inspired statement, but test the inspired statements to see whether they originate with God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world." Paul said at 1 Thess. 5:21: "Make sure of all things; hold fast to what is fine."
Again, I say, if the organization of Jehovah's Witnesses has the truth, then reading a book isn't going to change that. But, if JW's don't have the truth, then your eyes may be opened by a real search for truth.
Don't give up. Don't disassociate. But do like Paul said. "Make sure of all things."
Research, research, research all the doctrines and teachings. "...test the inspired statements..."
And you shouldn't take Apostate's words for it just as you shouldn't take any other man's word for it. You have to test things out for yourself and come to your own conclusion.