I have just recently realized that as a born in, I never have believed. I have never believed anything for myself and only did things to please others. I cannot recall ever developing a relationship with "God". I have leaned toward agnosticism for much longer than I ever imagined. I believe so much of it was the hypocrisy that ran rampant in the congregation with which I was in association with. I had no idea that my own personal cognitive dissonance not only involved religion but it involved a god that I always perceived as being partial, mean and violent. I could never understand the Jesus/God thing since Jesus loved and cared for all no matter where they came from or what mistakes they made. He forgave.
My aha moment was at a HUGE anniversary party for a former CO and his wife. I had just gone through hell with JC meetings regarding my abusive husband and had kicked him out for so many valid reasons. I was sitting in a room of hundreds of people in formal gowns and tuxes. There was a huge cake and a table of presents. I sat at a table as the elder began to pray before the meal and he thanked Jehovah for the gift of marriage. I remember my head popping up uncontrollably and sat incredulous at the rest of the prayer honoring this couple. Granted, I have always loved the both of them for many, many years but all of a sudden I saw the insane hypocrisy of anniversaries vs. birthdays. I work closely with pediatric hospice and every birthday that is celebrated is a gift and another milestone the doctors say most of them will never meet...I could not bring myself to reconcile the idea that another year of marriage is ok to celebrate with such bravado and pomp and circumstance and the celebration of a life soon to be cut short is a sin...unfathomable.