Sandy:
I've done exactly as you've done - prayed and agonized, wondering what was wrong with me, why didn't I feel close to Jehovah, begged and begged him to help, and all this while I was a JW in good standing (they still think I am !) Guess whta answer I received ? Nothing. No calm, no peace, just more of the same. Maybe it was because I was trying to go through the organization rather than to God directly, I don't know.
I do know that lately the times I've felt most at peace have been when I've been reading and meditating on other religious writings, i.e. Tao or Buddhism. So what does prove? Does God want me involved in those religions? I don't think so, but if there is a god/spirit/creator out there, maybe we need to reach him/it each in the way that fits us individually. I know that's anathema to the Governing Body, because they would have us use them and only them as the way to get to know God. Which is why so many JWs are stressed, sick, rude, depressed and sometimes downright hateful. There is no peace of God permeating that organization; if there had been, I would have felt it, as would all the others who have made the break or are in the midst of doing so.
If you want to read a good book, try Eric Hoffer's "True Believer". I've just finished reading it through twice. Although not particularly about religions, the parallels with the WTS are incredible and it will answer many of your questions about the seeming unity/efficiency/doctrinal certainty that exists in Watchtower land, as well as why you are feeling the way you do right now. If you're a Star Trek fan, remember the Borg, and how getting disconnected from the collective was totally unsettling, like being thrown into a void? You're starting to make your way through that void, but the good news is that your true being, your true humanity, is trying to make its way to the fore. Be patient and let it happen. You probably will be very pleased at the person that develops.