I think it is you who are tying yourself up in knots
I do understand it to an extent with your past beliefs
I think you will eventually come to the realisation that you will never know the entire truth about this as I have.
I am comfortable knowing that anyone who claims to know the truth about the origin of the universe is probably wrong
And that what you are so sure about at present may not be as clear cut as you think now
all the best in your journey