Reflecting back on the moments in the past when I was doing everything I could to please God in accordance with the Society's standards and whatever my family and I did it was never really good enough - at least that's how I always felt: doing better the next time but inside of me a feeling of guilt and part-accomplishment and this happened on a constant basis even when I was serving as an elder.
After I was disfellowshipped I went back a couple of times; in fact I was disfellowshipped in my old congregation, but I started to go back later on to a different congregation in another Kingdom Hall (which I used to attend)where my daughter with her husband also attend.
There were in total 2 brothers who were happy to see me; one brother poked me softly in the back confirming his happiness that I came to visit the congregation, and a second brother gave me the thumbs up (ignoring the stern gaze of an elder) when I left the hall at the close of the meeting. I must admit that these tiny acknowledgments of love and concern toward me were unexpected but they were nevertheless very much appreciated! It showed a measure of respect that's due to a human and much more so due to a longstanding friend of many years before. Needless to say, the vast majority or should I say practically all the members in the congregation chose to completely ignore me as if I didn't exist at all, yet I could feel that among themselves they would gossip about me, not showing real love but more concerned that I was a gossip or news item for them. How loving!
Showing real and deepseated concern is something you do not find easily, at least not in the Kingdom Hall (O yes...of course only when you are in perfect standing with them: make good comments at the meetings, are far above in fieldservice average, be very regular at meetings...yes then thet "love" you to death)
This makes me think of the time back in 1985, when a family member of my late wife lost her son of 25 years unexpectedly. This son was jogging one morning when he suddenly fell to the ground and died almost immediately due to a heart attack ... His father was so devastated of his son's death that he became a changed man afterwards, whereas his mother was the strongest at the time of having to bear the loss of her son as well as the devastation of her poor husband who a little while later could not hold his job anymore - yes the sadness of this man was so profound that I could not help holding down my tears as he was looking down at the open coffin of his dear son...
About 4 years later my own wife died of cancer in 1989 and I must say that many brothers and sisters in the truth at that time were comforting me and the children (however, this comfort is always accompanied with the assurance that in the resurrection she will return again...yet they forget to mention that we are not marrying in the new system and what about if I should remarry - which I did - what about my late wife?). So you see, this kind of comfort was shortlived...in fact many of the brothers suggested that I should not mourn too long and even put a certain time frame on mourning, such as 1 month or so....and of course if you persisted in bringing back the memories too often of your late wife, they are seeing it then as a weakness....everything is so conditional and calculated.
But what I wanted to convey is that of all the many condolences and well wishers, the one that stood out above them all like a pillar of gold in all its glory were the comforting words of this woman who lost her son a couple of years earlier: she spoke to me after she wrote me a letter expressing how deeply sorry she was and that she precisely understood the emotions and feelings I went through after my wife's death - it made her reflect on her own experience of losing a loved one. The manner in which she expressed her words were so sincere and so powerful from the heart that this was the most touching and beautiful consolation I ever received from anybody! I must also mention that this woman (who had aged dramatically in just 4 years) was never a Witness but a person from the "world" as they say in Society's terminology....so piercing, so genuine this love from a woman who I hardly knew but who went through the same agony of losing a loved one..her son..yes she could so very much understand the loss in its entirety and therefore hand me the comfort I needed so much at the time and even years after that...
When all of this is said...where is the true love that is shown by the members of the congregation to the wayward ones or those which are wrongly disfellowshipped....Then the love and fellow-feeling which was once vibrant is now shut off because of a doctrinal system where this love is really conditional.
Yes God's ways are much, much, much higher than man's ways and I now fully understand this deep principle......
Regards from the heart to you all,
Richie :*)
You are the music as long as the music last...............
