Free:
The worst part is that i put this barrier and cant let people in
At least you are aware of the barrier and can start slowly tearing down your walls. I want to encourage you to be gentle with yourelf. You will open up when you are ready.
I understand the barrier. It took me a long time to start letting people into my private life. Once I started, I discovered something surprising: Most people are not worth letting in and are happy to hurt you and betray your secrets. Maybe it's because I have a back ground in entertainment that I feel this way, show business is very competitive. I have few true friends. But the ones I have I have had for decades.
Although I have been burned, I am happy that I opened up to other people. The true friends I have are worth their weight in gold and were worth going through the pain with others who turned out not to be true friends.
I hope it gets better for you. There are many compassionate, good people on this board. I am sure any one of them would love to help you in your transition.