Phoebe

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Posts by Phoebe

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  58

  baptised nearly 51 years

  by Phoebe in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  been reading this site for awhile now.

  i have had a long and often tragic life as a jw.

  my story is so long because i'm pretty old :) i feel sad i've been locked in fear and guilt for my entire life.

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  Phoebe

  Dear Giordano,

  Thank you so much. My husband say hello back :)

  It is true to say I have made more friends today than I have in all the years in my congregation.

  Until I discovered this site, I really thought it was just me that was wrong. That all these feelings I had...the way people ignored me at the hall, I really thought it was because I was essentially a bad JW. That it was because I wasn't as good as the others. Then I read others peoples experiences and it was such a comfort to know it just wasn't me!

  Thank you for such a wonderful welcome. x
  
• 
  58

  baptised nearly 51 years

  by Phoebe in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  been reading this site for awhile now.

  i have had a long and often tragic life as a jw.

  my story is so long because i'm pretty old :) i feel sad i've been locked in fear and guilt for my entire life.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  Phoebe

  Dear HappyGal, Half banana, James Mxon, Finkelstein, Mr Flipper and everyone,

  Thank you for making me so very welcome. It makes me so very happy that I plucked up the courage today to join you. You have made me so welcome. Love to you all. x
  
• 
  58

  baptised nearly 51 years

  by Phoebe in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  been reading this site for awhile now.

  i have had a long and often tragic life as a jw.

  my story is so long because i'm pretty old :) i feel sad i've been locked in fear and guilt for my entire life.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  Phoebe

  Iown Mylife

  Thank you for the welcome! I'v been on here for weeks...reading...I too, have found great comfort on these pages.
• 
  58

  baptised nearly 51 years

  by Phoebe in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  been reading this site for awhile now.

  i have had a long and often tragic life as a jw.

  my story is so long because i'm pretty old :) i feel sad i've been locked in fear and guilt for my entire life.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  Phoebe

  life is to short,

  You cannot know how it feels to know someone understands how I feel.Thank you so much.

  You too, have suffered the lack of love and care. I can only imagine how you felt taking your husband to the hospital.

  I was taken to hospital last July with chest pains and high BP. They thought it was a heart attack (turned out it was a massive anxiety attack) Most of the congregation knew. I walked back into the hall a month later and no one said a word. Nothing.
• 
  58

  baptised nearly 51 years

  by Phoebe in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  been reading this site for awhile now.

  i have had a long and often tragic life as a jw.

  my story is so long because i'm pretty old :) i feel sad i've been locked in fear and guilt for my entire life.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  Phoebe

  Hi Xanthippe,

  Yes, I'm glad, too. My husband left the truth about 18 years ago. He gave 110% to it and basically burnt out. He had zero help from anyone. We once watched two elders writing not-at-homes right outside our door but no one ever came to see him. He only had one visit and that was to tell him they were taking him off as a MS. You would not believe how much he gave to the brothers. Even after he left the truth he was giving/helping all the time.

  He kept saying 'there's something wrong with it' and then he started reading JWSurvey and I was telling him to stay away from 'those sites' they were dangerous and then, well, curiosity got the better of me and I started reading and researching and wow! I was shocked.

  But mostly, it's been the lack of love among the brothers that has really made me question everything. There is no compassion, no empathy, no love. They love those in their little cliques but no one else.
• 
  58

  baptised nearly 51 years

  by Phoebe in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  been reading this site for awhile now.

  i have had a long and often tragic life as a jw.

  my story is so long because i'm pretty old :) i feel sad i've been locked in fear and guilt for my entire life.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  Phoebe

  Slidin Fast

  Your experience, encourages me so much. Your words resonate with me. I am beginning to feel some clarity of mind, as if I see things so much clearer now. I long for peace of mind and for the first time in my life, I see it is a possibility. A life without fear and guilt...how wonderful that sounds!

  Thank you so much. x
• 
  58

  baptised nearly 51 years

  by Phoebe in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  been reading this site for awhile now.

  i have had a long and often tragic life as a jw.

  my story is so long because i'm pretty old :) i feel sad i've been locked in fear and guilt for my entire life.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  Phoebe

  Steve2, notalone, pbrow,The Searcher and everyone,

  thank you for your support, advice and most of all the care you have expressed towards me. I'm overwhelmed with your generosity of spirit. It means so much to me. I have to say over the last few years I've had little help or comfort from my own congregation save for one or two lovely sisters.

  If I leave it all behind I won't miss my friends for I have hardly any. Unfortunately, I committed the unforgivable sin, my two eldest children chose to go to university. From that day on I have been largely ostracized. I go to the meetings, maybe one or two people speak to me, but mostly no one does. I cannot tell you how many times I've walked home from the meeting in tears, trying to clean up my face and present a happy 'kingdom smile' to my husband and pretend all is okay.

  I have a sister who hasn't spoken to me for almost 25 years. She is a JW, her husband an elder. They told me I wasn't good enough to be a JW...conveniently, after I'd paid off all her debts. She didn't approve of my marriage, wouldn't come to the wedding, apparently after praying to God, they decided not to attend. My older brother (and my abuser by the way) is a well respected elder to this day. He didn't attend my wedding, either. He didn't approve. I was marrying a Pioneer!!! How could they not approve??? I haven't seen either of them for so long, the only thing that upsets me is they will be so pleased to hear I've left.

  My brother/abuser was apparently so scared I might spill the beans on him he has pretty much spent his entire life telling everyone I was a bad person. My nephew has left the truth now, he says he was brought up to believe I was evil and to stay away from me!

  I'm not bad, evil or anything. I've been loyal to this organization through thin and thick. I started pioneering at 14 and RP straight from school. I gave and gave and gave...but when I needed help, there was none.

  No, sad to say, if I dropped dead in the K.H no one would notice :(

  I am sincerely going to take on board all your advice and thank you for being there for me...I fear I may need you all very much in the future.

  xx
• 
  58

  baptised nearly 51 years

  by Phoebe in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  been reading this site for awhile now.

  i have had a long and often tragic life as a jw.

  my story is so long because i'm pretty old :) i feel sad i've been locked in fear and guilt for my entire life.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  Phoebe

  Thank you waton,

  Yes, I will take your advice. Thank you so much. x
• 
  58

  baptised nearly 51 years

  by Phoebe in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  been reading this site for awhile now.

  i have had a long and often tragic life as a jw.

  my story is so long because i'm pretty old :) i feel sad i've been locked in fear and guilt for my entire life.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  Phoebe

  Thank you Joyzabel and nicolaou for the welcome. It means a lot to me.

  For my entire life I never doubted anything the organization said. In fact, I often felt guilty for being a born into it. As if I didn't deserve it. I knew that if my parents hadn't been JWs there is no way I would have had the courage to join such an organization. I kept saying I'm in it by default!

  During my life as a JW I have seen, and experienced, a lot of good and also a lot of very bad things. But just lately, I'm seeing things that just aren't right. My BF says Jesus holds the congregations in his hand. Well, if so, there is no way such things as child abuse would be allowed to go on - hidden. As you can imagine, that subject is very close to my heart.
• 
  58

  baptised nearly 51 years

  by Phoebe in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  been reading this site for awhile now.

  i have had a long and often tragic life as a jw.

  my story is so long because i'm pretty old :) i feel sad i've been locked in fear and guilt for my entire life.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  Phoebe

  Hi,

  been reading this site for awhile now. I have had a long and often tragic life as a JW. My story is so long because I'm pretty old :) I feel sad I've been locked in fear and guilt for my entire life. Like a wasted life. If I told my story you would all say why did you stay? Well, fear and guilt is pretty powerful. Anyway, not going to ramble, suffice to say, you guys both ex and current JWs have helped me a lot lately. I guess there are loads of current JWs looking on here but like me too afraid to say anything. I honestly don't know which way is up at the moment. I'm suffering from depression/stress and my doctor urged me to see counseling because I am one of those abused children we all talk about. (And just for the record...no, abused children do not automatically go on to abuse...I read someone say in another thread. Quite the reverse, we often go on to be amazingly protective parents)

  The elders warned me off counseling (they don't know about the abuse) but I went anyway. Turns out I'm suffering from 'undischarged post traumatic stress' from the abuse ...and the organization, I add. It's making me pretty ill, although my psychologist is helping me so much. Finally, in my old age, I am daring to have my own thoughts. My own opinion. I'm reading books - just finish Crisis of Conscience. I've decided I can't continue to serve Jehovah purely out of fear. Even today's WT had an element of fear in it. There is no one to talk to withing the organization. I briefly mentioned a few of my concerns to my BF and she went crazy accusing me of going on sites etc. My husband, once a RP and MS is truly awake to everything. I was born in so it's way harder for me. I just don't want to get it wrong. So, I'll stop rambling. Just thank you guys. x