stan livedeath - the problem comes with the need to hide. We don't live together yet but we are actively looking for a place and will be living together very soon. Being a life-long JW she has MANY JW connections - even her employer is one (this is a cause for concern - will she still have that job?). Hiding while living together is irrational. People WILL come by, they WILL see evidence of my presence in the house - it would only be a matter of time before it was reported and it would be the same result, if not worse (confessing bodes better). Admitting is the least painful option and gets the inevitable out of the way sooner than later. I don't want to be hidden anymore as well, I'm so sick of having to be. Sometimes, depending on location, we don't even walk together in the market while shopping as there's a high likelihood she may run into a tattler or two.
doasthouwilt
JoinedPosts by doasthouwilt
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35
Former Elders Please - Disbeliever recently married to a JW
by doasthouwilt ini recently married my best friend of 32 years.
she is a life-long jw and once an active pioneer, i am a 'worldly' person through-and-through, always will be.
we married because it was the only way we could find a way of staying together while giving her a path back to her religion ultimately, which she does not want to (or cannot) let go of.
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doasthouwilt
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35
Former Elders Please - Disbeliever recently married to a JW
by doasthouwilt ini recently married my best friend of 32 years.
she is a life-long jw and once an active pioneer, i am a 'worldly' person through-and-through, always will be.
we married because it was the only way we could find a way of staying together while giving her a path back to her religion ultimately, which she does not want to (or cannot) let go of.
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doasthouwilt
Lot's to consider here.
DesiriousofChange - yes, that's the scoop exactly and what you describe is largely what I'm expecting, her too.
I doubt I'd ever be able to attend a meeting, though I did have the 'pleasure' of passively listening to some 6 hour video broadcast recently, speckled with instrumental JW songs, it was some fairly big thing that happens annually (you probably know what it is) - all I could think in the end was how unnecessary it all was, start to finish - I told that to my wife. I can have passing encounters with it but not direct, it'll set off that disdain I mentioned earlier and I'd like to minimize that. I'm a good actor and could feign all sorts of things but don't believe I could stomach such direct exposure.
Thanks all. Any commentary and insight helps with what's coming up. I'm off for a long weekend. Enjoy yours! -
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Former Elders Please - Disbeliever recently married to a JW
by doasthouwilt ini recently married my best friend of 32 years.
she is a life-long jw and once an active pioneer, i am a 'worldly' person through-and-through, always will be.
we married because it was the only way we could find a way of staying together while giving her a path back to her religion ultimately, which she does not want to (or cannot) let go of.
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doasthouwilt
peacefulpete - so, you disassociated while your wife remained? If that the case, what happened, if you don't mind a summary? It is, in a way, a similar circumstance. Of course, spare the 'uncomfortable memories' if you don't want to share them.
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Former Elders Please - Disbeliever recently married to a JW
by doasthouwilt ini recently married my best friend of 32 years.
she is a life-long jw and once an active pioneer, i am a 'worldly' person through-and-through, always will be.
we married because it was the only way we could find a way of staying together while giving her a path back to her religion ultimately, which she does not want to (or cannot) let go of.
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doasthouwilt
peacefulpete - "Be a good husband and your behavior will belie the narrative about "worldly" men" . . . that has been precisely the case, she does have to rethink when I show love and care and genuine goodness, which I do as much as is possible - there are times when I don't of course, but they are far and few. In fact, we were texting last night and she had this to say, "I am glad that you are concerned with her welfare. Really I am. It's one of the things that I love most about you. You care about who you care about no matter. You are such a good person" (this is not to brag in any sort of way, of course), contrariwise, I let all my thoughts of disdain about christian religions, and specifically hers, go wild on one occasion early last year, I was purposely offensive as could be about it - I wanted her to know my true feelings, at that point she said, "You know, the more you do things like THAT the more certain I'm going to be that they're RIGHT". I've largely refrained from that sort of outburst since. I still have intense things to say about it occasionally - intense, but not vulgar, which I no doubt was that once.
Actually, yes I do observe holidays with my family. In fact, my wife was along recently to re-meet (it's been AGES since she saw her) my sister who lives far away, it also happened to be my sis's birthday - everyone knows my wife doesn't 'celebrate' birthdays and so didn't expect her to exclaim "Happy Birthday!" or bring a card or gift. It was understood that she doesn't celebrate it but we do, so her mood is not one of celebration - that was fine with all of us. We had a very nice time.
We do talk politics quite a lot - she is more interested in it than I am. She doesn't vote but surely has strong feelings about the political realities, she watches lots of political segments. Our political views are largely the same.
We tend to watch movies every other night at least, movies of all sorts. Also binge watching series is common.
We have never been at a shortage of things to talk about - religion is the one topic that doesn't come up much. -
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Former Elders Please - Disbeliever recently married to a JW
by doasthouwilt ini recently married my best friend of 32 years.
she is a life-long jw and once an active pioneer, i am a 'worldly' person through-and-through, always will be.
we married because it was the only way we could find a way of staying together while giving her a path back to her religion ultimately, which she does not want to (or cannot) let go of.
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doasthouwilt
punkofnice - absolutely, I do have a list of questions that are potentially quite challenging and perplexing but not from this site that I recall, I'll have a look. Thanks!
I'm glad to say that she does not attempt to tell me about it or convince me to join - in all of our 32 years of being close, she never has, not once. She does sometimes talk about why she believes it as I sometimes ask her about it - if I ask, she'll tell (but make no compelling arguments, to me, at least). She has told me that some of her friends certainly will try and to brace for it - I don't doubt it, but anyone will quickly realize that I'm not interested in answers, not because I have them myself, but because I don't require them. To quote, "The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine" - sums up my philosophy well and it's been unshakable, thanks entirely to a christian upbringing which led me to excuse all such things forever, gleefully. My wife once said "That's probably because you're not 'called' . . . not all are" and I liked that idea very much. If it came to it and I was being pressured by a friend or friends of hers, that is likely part of what I would say in response. -
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Former Elders Please - Disbeliever recently married to a JW
by doasthouwilt ini recently married my best friend of 32 years.
she is a life-long jw and once an active pioneer, i am a 'worldly' person through-and-through, always will be.
we married because it was the only way we could find a way of staying together while giving her a path back to her religion ultimately, which she does not want to (or cannot) let go of.
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doasthouwilt
Sanchy - in our case it wasn't long ago, it has been a constant for the past 2 years (sex, that is) - the other time I mentioned was with someone else, 20+ years ago for which she was amazingly only reprimanded, she was going through a terrible time mentally at that point though and I believe they took it into account.
Thanks for this: "I have hurt Jehovah and sinned against him, I've learned my lesson and have taken steps to never repeat it" - I will mention this to her. She has said she doesn't want to manipulate the results at all by being deceiving, she doesn't want to lie, she has said that she feels the way this quote describes (though not in the exact words). I will ask her if she does agree with that statement and if so, to let them know precisely that when the time comes.
I so much would want to talk about arguments that counter but it's hard for me to do respectfully, which is something I struggle with. I tend to become incredulous quickly and, because of my own extreme christian upbringing and how it has affected my mental health over many years and the great disdain I have for it, I tend to lash out against things cut of the same cloth and more so with JW mainly because of things that caused this topic to come up at all - shunning is unthinkable. But I DO want to be able to talk calmly, non offensively and rationally (most of all) with her more often about what ought to raise an eyebrow about many facets of the religion. It's hard because any argument against teachings and practices tends to be "something you read online from some apostate site, probably" and the conversation usually turns cyclical, for both of us. -
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Former Elders Please - Disbeliever recently married to a JW
by doasthouwilt ini recently married my best friend of 32 years.
she is a life-long jw and once an active pioneer, i am a 'worldly' person through-and-through, always will be.
we married because it was the only way we could find a way of staying together while giving her a path back to her religion ultimately, which she does not want to (or cannot) let go of.
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doasthouwilt
Bartolomeo - we will definitely stick together, that was part of why we got married, so there was no possibility of us having to separate in order for her to be in good graces, eventually. I am ready for the fallout of a DF if that becomes the case, she's frightened but is also ready. She was committing fornication and intends to admit to it - it is the most serious infraction among the few this situation entails. There was an occasion 20+ years ago where she had done the same and also over a long period, she confessed to it and was let off with a reprimand - that surprised me to hear, from what I know of the guidelines. As you say, it will come down to the elders in her congregation, which is a different one that the one she was in during that instance. I only hope her current elders are as lenient. Of course, everyone in her congregation will sooner than later know that she married me, "unequally" and I know that's going to be uncomfortable for everyone, at best, for a time. -
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Former Elders Please - Disbeliever recently married to a JW
by doasthouwilt ini recently married my best friend of 32 years.
she is a life-long jw and once an active pioneer, i am a 'worldly' person through-and-through, always will be.
we married because it was the only way we could find a way of staying together while giving her a path back to her religion ultimately, which she does not want to (or cannot) let go of.
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doasthouwilt
I recently married my best friend of 32 years. She is a life-long JW and once an active pioneer, I am a 'worldly' person through-and-through, always will be. We married because it was the only way we could find a way of staying together while giving her a path back to her religion ultimately, which she does not want to (or cannot) let go of. We have been close friends for 32 years, together as a couple for 2 years and now married for 2 months (happily). There has never been any pressure on me to become a JW from her - a hope, yes, but pressure or even mentioning it more than an unobtainable ideal, no (she knows me well - would never happen). She's going to make a confession about or relationship and it's past + details quite soon and she's prepared to be DF'd (she had once, years ago though has been in 'good standing' for many, many years since). She does believe the religion is true (to my consternation), she does see her initial getting together with me as a sin that she engaged in in a moment or phase of weakness that quickly became an undeniably truly loving relationship but also cannot deny and would not deny that we love each other so very much and wants to be with me just as she wants to serve Jehovah (as she would say it, I expect). By marrying me she did the best that was possible to straighten the situation to a degree on both counts - dedication to me but also no longer being 'immoral' by having physical relations with someone she is not married to. I'd very much like to know what any former (or present) elder among you would think of this in a committee, if one were formed, or of lesser options. Also curious about the possibility of her being a 'marked individual' which seems to lie between a reprimand and DFing - she knew little of that procedure, never heard the term, but I have read the elder's handbook many times so was aware of such a thing, especially as concerned dating an unbeliever - seems a sort of 'soft' DFing for a time. But, as I've said, we are not 'dating' at this point, we're properly and legally married and cannot be told to divorce, obviously. It's a peculiar situation and one that doesn't come up in 'Shepherding the Flock' explicitly, it's without precedent as handbooks are concerned. If this upcoming confession were the case, in your previous (or current) role as an elder, how would you be likely handle it - what would you think? She IS repentant, it HAS bothered her greatly, but was unwilling to give up our love for each other - she will tell it as it is when she willingly confesses, honestly. I know this is nuanced and what to do is based on her show of repentance but if it's in any way possible to speculate, without actually hearing her in person, I do wonder generally what would be thought or possible and expected. Appreciate your experience and input.
Thank you -
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Miniimizing 'Punishment' - marrying a non-JW
by doasthouwilt ini’d like to marry my best friend of 30+ years, turned ‘secret’ girlfriend of 1 ½ years who is a jehovah’s witness, born into it, baptized and an active ‘pioneer’.
our marriage would happen prior to letting any of her jw friends and cohorts know that we are together.
once married she may simply come forward and ‘admit’ or we may wait until it’s found out – one way or the other, the reason for this marriage is not customary – i am hoping that by doing so she can avoid being ‘marked’ or possibly ‘disfellowshipped’ once our relationship is no longer a secret and due to our already being married at that point, there can be no notion from society elders about her ending the relationship.
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doasthouwilt
DesirousOfChange - can you tell me which chapter and verse in Psalms says to confess your sins to Jehovah alone?
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Miniimizing 'Punishment' - marrying a non-JW
by doasthouwilt ini’d like to marry my best friend of 30+ years, turned ‘secret’ girlfriend of 1 ½ years who is a jehovah’s witness, born into it, baptized and an active ‘pioneer’.
our marriage would happen prior to letting any of her jw friends and cohorts know that we are together.
once married she may simply come forward and ‘admit’ or we may wait until it’s found out – one way or the other, the reason for this marriage is not customary – i am hoping that by doing so she can avoid being ‘marked’ or possibly ‘disfellowshipped’ once our relationship is no longer a secret and due to our already being married at that point, there can be no notion from society elders about her ending the relationship.
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doasthouwilt
MeanMrMustard + anyone else who may have felt even slightly trolled . . .
That honestly isn't what I came here for or at all intend(ed) to do. I think some of my disposition about this and the honest facts of the story may seem ourageous and even be upsetting to some, especially anyone truly practicing as a JW, but that's not intentional, just the truth of the matter. It's part of why I didn't want to get into too many details about it - I know some discussion about it couldn't be avoided, but I was after answers to my question, solely. Sorry if anyone felt trolled!