Former Elders Please - Disbeliever recently married to a JW

doasthouwilt

I recently married my best friend of 32 years. She is a life-long JW and once an active pioneer, I am a 'worldly' person through-and-through, always will be. We married because it was the only way we could find a way of staying together while giving her a path back to her religion ultimately, which she does not want to (or cannot) let go of. We have been close friends for 32 years, together as a couple for 2 years and now married for 2 months (happily). There has never been any pressure on me to become a JW from her - a hope, yes, but pressure or even mentioning it more than an unobtainable ideal, no (she knows me well - would never happen). She's going to make a confession about or relationship and it's past + details quite soon and she's prepared to be DF'd (she had once, years ago though has been in 'good standing' for many, many years since). She does believe the religion is true (to my consternation), she does see her initial getting together with me as a sin that she engaged in in a moment or phase of weakness that quickly became an undeniably truly loving relationship but also cannot deny and would not deny that we love each other so very much and wants to be with me just as she wants to serve Jehovah (as she would say it, I expect). By marrying me she did the best that was possible to straighten the situation to a degree on both counts - dedication to me but also no longer being 'immoral' by having physical relations with someone she is not married to. I'd very much like to know what any former (or present) elder among you would think of this in a committee, if one were formed, or of lesser options. Also curious about the possibility of her being a 'marked individual' which seems to lie between a reprimand and DFing - she knew little of that procedure, never heard the term, but I have read the elder's handbook many times so was aware of such a thing, especially as concerned dating an unbeliever - seems a sort of 'soft' DFing for a time. But, as I've said, we are not 'dating' at this point, we're properly and legally married and cannot be told to divorce, obviously. It's a peculiar situation and one that doesn't come up in 'Shepherding the Flock' explicitly, it's without precedent as handbooks are concerned. If this upcoming confession were the case, in your previous (or current) role as an elder, how would you be likely handle it - what would you think? She IS repentant, it HAS bothered her greatly, but was unwilling to give up our love for each other - she will tell it as it is when she willingly confesses, honestly. I know this is nuanced and what to do is based on her show of repentance but if it's in any way possible to speculate, without actually hearing her in person, I do wonder generally what would be thought or possible and expected. Appreciate your experience and input.

Thank you

Black Sheep

You should have asked these questions before you tied the knot. I can offer you my sympathy, but that's all I have.for you.

I hope you get some more optimistic replies.

smiddy3

Shouldn`t the heading/title of this post have read ....Beleiver Recently Married A Disbeleiver ?

OK I was never an Elder ,so disregard my input , ( I`m pretty sure they won`t beleive there were no shenanigans going on between you two before you got married )

However I wish you both well and success in your marriage ,from an ex MS

smiddy3

Bartolomeo

I have served as an elder for a few years and all I can tell you is that there is no definitive answer to your question because it really depends on the mentality and culture prevailing in the body of elders of that specific congregation, more exactly those 3 elders who will form the specific committee for your wife.

The marked has no reason to exist as a consequence of a sin of immorality (porneia) but it is a gray area which is resorted to in borderline cases where the problem is disordered conduct. In cases of serious sins there is always the intervention of a judicial committee. I would add that my personal opinion is that you two stick together regardless of what that committee decides. If the decision should be for disfellowshipping be prepared and expect much tears and emotional distress from your wife. Be ready to be understanding and never judge her, be loving and patient. Only this will help her overcome the pain.

TonusOH

In my experience (not direct, I did not serve as an elder), they may be lenient with someone who is forthright and explains their situation to them before they are discovered and confronted. Your wife would still have some sort of sanction applied, but it may not rise to the level of a DF. Then again, if she was committing fornication for a period of years before marrying a non-JW, they may feel that they have to DF her as an example.

The impression I get is that she understands that this may happen and is hoping that she can get back in the org's good graces with an eye towards convincing you to join her. I think her long-term goal is for both of you to be PIMI JWs. But if you're happy together and the only friction is from what the organization will do, it might be the wakeup call she needs, at long last.

doasthouwilt

Bartolomeo - we will definitely stick together, that was part of why we got married, so there was no possibility of us having to separate in order for her to be in good graces, eventually. I am ready for the fallout of a DF if that becomes the case, she's frightened but is also ready. She was committing fornication and intends to admit to it - it is the most serious infraction among the few this situation entails. There was an occasion 20+ years ago where she had done the same and also over a long period, she confessed to it and was let off with a reprimand - that surprised me to hear, from what I know of the guidelines. As you say, it will come down to the elders in her congregation, which is a different one that the one she was in during that instance. I only hope her current elders are as lenient. Of course, everyone in her congregation will sooner than later know that she married me, "unequally" and I know that's going to be uncomfortable for everyone, at best, for a time.

Sanchy

Hey OP,

I can tell you that when deciding whether to DF or not, Elders do sometimes consider factors such as "How long ago the sin took place" and "Has the sinner taken action to remediate the situation".

It seems in your case, the (supposed) sin took place years ago, and you have now married. If your wife can go in there and show one ounce of repentance, saying the right words, odds are they'll just privately reprove.

These are the right words for anyone not wanting to be DF'd in a Judicial Committee: "I have hurt Jehovah and sinned against him, I've learned my lesson and have taken steps to never repeat it". That's the magic phrase, do with it what you will.

PS, I can advise to lovingly and respectfully open up to your wife about how you feel regarding the religion. Ask her if she'd ever consider listening to counter-arguments to the religion's beliefs.

Good luck

punkofnice

Hello Wilty.

When all is said and done, it all depends on the body of Elders. It's a waiting game and we can't predict the outcome.

I hope your marriage will remain happy.

Just be aware you will be pressured to join the fake religion because the leaders want your money.

doasthouwilt

Sanchy - in our case it wasn't long ago, it has been a constant for the past 2 years (sex, that is) - the other time I mentioned was with someone else, 20+ years ago for which she was amazingly only reprimanded, she was going through a terrible time mentally at that point though and I believe they took it into account.

Thanks for this: "I have hurt Jehovah and sinned against him, I've learned my lesson and have taken steps to never repeat it" - I will mention this to her. She has said she doesn't want to manipulate the results at all by being deceiving, she doesn't want to lie, she has said that she feels the way this quote describes (though not in the exact words). I will ask her if she does agree with that statement and if so, to let them know precisely that when the time comes.

I so much would want to talk about arguments that counter but it's hard for me to do respectfully, which is something I struggle with. I tend to become incredulous quickly and, because of my own extreme christian upbringing and how it has affected my mental health over many years and the great disdain I have for it, I tend to lash out against things cut of the same cloth and more so with JW mainly because of things that caused this topic to come up at all - shunning is unthinkable. But I DO want to be able to talk calmly, non offensively and rationally (most of all) with her more often about what ought to raise an eyebrow about many facets of the religion. It's hard because any argument against teachings and practices tends to be "something you read online from some apostate site, probably" and the conversation usually turns cyclical, for both of us.

punkofnice

wilty - "something you read online from some apostate site, probably"

If you have to engage these cultists, I would recommend just asking questions and not offering opinions.

I would tend to ask questions that it is impossible for a JW to answer honestly.

there was a list here somewhere................

Former Elders Please - Disbeliever recently married to a JW

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