Posts by LifesNotOver

17

Bye and thanks for everything

by LifesNotOver in

jw
friends

we really went at it this weekend.

pretty ugly!

well at least now the air is cleared.

Thank you for the positive reinforcement all! I feel so free! Knowing I would survive a separation from my husband quite well once the stress of it calmed down enabled me to be strong and resolute. I've done it before, more than once, but was more than a little stuck on the idea of being 70! Did I have the strength? Again?! I knew I'd find the strength if it was forced on me, so I'd find the strength if it was my choice. The strength I'd found within me before had never left - the JWs tried to take it from me, thank goodness I didn't let them. I didn't have any friends for practical and emotional support (other than your guys of course) if I needed it, but there are other resources, professionals. All I had to do was swallow my pride and ask the right people for help. Crisis line, police, counsellors, whatever I needed was there and all I would need to do is reach out. Who knows, I might have gotten even more sympathy and understanding and help because of my age :) Just thought of that now.

Knowing I don't have as many years left on this earth as I might like, the question loomed - how much of the time I do have left do I want to waste pretending? I needed to be true to myself. I couldn't foresee a better time to take a stand. Oh, I remember writing before that I hoped that my husband would die before long so that I'd have at least a few good years left where I'd be free of that religion - wow! Crazy-thinking, that's what stress and fear can do. I know my writing is kind of sloppy, changing tenses all over the place. Sorry to anyone who's into critiquing.

I saw my father on his death bed, he was so full of regret! He was so sad for the way he'd wasted his life, the missed opportunities, the hurt he caused his family. And he'd run out of time. I don't want that to be me, I want to be a better person, I want to be a happier person, I want to help other people live happier and more meaningful lives. At least have a small part in it. Maybe my kids won't let me close enough to teach them anything, but maybe others will. I do have something to offer. And my 17 years in this cult, what did I learn about life, and my 53 years before that, what did I learn? Maybe I can write about that. Help someone some way. I don't know.

So, I know my husband loves me very much and wants us to be together, doesn't want to live without me. I feel I could live without him and still be happy, maybe even happier with less stress - does that make me a bad person I ask myself? No. I think it just makes me a different kind of person than him, more practical, more capable, emotionally stronger. Maybe not capable of loving in that way.

He felt he had to take sides - me or Jehovah. I guess that's one thing he took away from the Remain Loyal to Jehovah convention. It's funny, but the elder he went to to talk things over actually gave him good advice. I'm glad he went to the elders because he sure wasn't listening to me. The person you're having the problem with isn't the person who's going to help you solve the problem. I think the elders are better at helping males than females, that only makes sense. Especially males who still believe and want spiritual guidance. That also makes sense. Anyway, the advice was to leave me alone. Don't preach. Don't try to convince, etc. Keep calm. If I don't want to hear anything about it, or be "encouraged" to do anything about it, just leave me alone. If I come around to their way of thinking again, it will be because I truly want to, something I've decided to do on my own. In the meantime, nothing spiritual in our relationship. Lovely! No prayers, no meetings, no service, no talking about any of it. Lovely! No elders coming by or phoning. Lovely! You mean to tell me it's going to go back to how it was before I ever heard about TT? Well, hopefully as much as possible anyway.

You see, that way he can have it both ways - he can have his cake and eat it too. He can have a happy wife and have his faith. And keep his hope that someday I'll come back to TT. I can have a happy life without the pressure from those guys and gals. I'll let you know how it goes. Right now I'm on a high, I'll admit. And it feels gooood!

I'm going to leave it at that for now. I'm mostly just blabbing but maybe someone can take something from my writings that might help them? I'll write more another time, but for now I have to go. Time's gotten away from me. Thanks for listening, luv you guys! LNO

17

Bye and thanks for everything

by LifesNotOver in

jw
friends

we really went at it this weekend.

pretty ugly!

well at least now the air is cleared.

LifesNotOver

We really went at it this weekend. Pretty ugly! Well at least now the air is cleared. Life's difficult! Different religious ideas sure make it even harder.

I don't want to make a long story of it. I don't think the details will help anyone else. Everyone's different. I stuck to my guns no matter how crazy he sounded. He knows from previous times that if push comes to shove (not literally) I will leave him. My trump card is that he needs me more than I need him. And I am stronger and quicker. The worst thing I could have done is give in and pretend I wanted help from the elders or sisters or him, that I was simply hurt or discouraged. That I was truly sorry for having gone onto an apostate website. So not true! More later, stay tuned!😃

30

What would you like to have known about JWs before deciding whether to get baptised?

by slimboyfat in

if you could go back in time and tell yourself one thing about jws would you do it?

and what would you choose to say to yourself?

do you think you could have convinced yourself not to get baptised if you chose the right thing to say?

LifesNotOver

I'd have told my 53-year-old-self: Give your head a shake! This sounds really fishy! Don't just take their word for it that they have the true definition of a cult and they're not a cult. Actually look up what constitutes a cult for yourself, find out if their beliefs match the definition, then as the saying goes: If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck." (something like that). No matter how loudly it proclaims that it's not a duck and tries to offer all this proof. - enough about ducks already!

I'd have told my 53-year-old-self: stop! you've stopped thinking for yourself - you're being brainwashed. Run away! Run away!

And I'd have listened to my children. Oh, maybe I'll apologize to them for not listening to them back then. That might help repair our relationship a bit. My daughter said to me when I told her I was going to be baptized - I thought you were smarter than that, Mom. I was offended. My son warned me of how difficult it was to leave that religion - he had a friend who was trying to get away and they wouldn't leave him alone, putting notes on his windshield in parking lots, coming by his house, etc. But who listens to their kids, hey? Aren't the parents supposed to be the older and wiser ones? Not necessarily so. I now remember asking the witnesses I was studying with about what would happen if I didn't want to study anymore, they said no problem, they'd simply not come back. I didn't test it out, but now I know if I'd tried to quit they'd have kept on and on at me about it. So they lied.

And I'd have told myself not to walk into a Kingdom Hall. I'd have told myself to trust my gut and stand up for myself! I knew enough back then about paying attention to warning bells in my head and in my heart and in my gut.

And now I have to learn to quit beating up on myself about my past choices. And love myself! LNO

22

Yoga. Evil practice?

by Darkknight757 in

as our fade continues, the wife and i have decided to take up "the forbidden practice of.......yoga"!!!!😱.

i was quite skeptical at first but so far it has really de-stressed our life in quite a spectacular way!!

not to mention the physical benefits.. anyone else try yoga or a similar discipline?

LifesNotOver

They try to spoil everything for you! Before I was ever a JW I practiced Hatha Yoga for years and loved it! It did nothing to my brain but relax it, and helped my body immensely. When I first heard "we don't condone yoga, it's dangerous - Satan will overtake your thinking." well, just another thing I went along with that didn't make a lick of sense to me. I'm still struggling with how I could have been so duped. I've recently joined the YWCA for exercise, and think I'll join their yoga class. Or maybe a class somewhere for older folks would be safer. I hope I find out that joining the Y is a no-no too - then for sure I'll continue my membership! Such a rebel .. hee hee LNO

19

My daughter graduated Bachelor of Arts with First Class Honours yesterday.

by Xanthippe in

.

stash: /intesoft-inc.appspot.com/post/867be77a3c2f41bd8d3b930cbfb629c0.html

LifesNotOver

Your daughter is a beautiful accomplished young lady, whether right way round or not. I'm sure you're very proud of her and she can feel free to feel proud of herself too. Enjoy your life!

18

LifesNotOver - Part Four

by LifesNotOver in

jw
friends

so ... i don't know if any of this is even of interest any more, i know i'm getting kinda bored with it :) so many other more interesting stories out there.

anyway, limped my way through 17 years being a jw until now.

not a good jw mind you.

LifesNotOver

Hey everyone - I want you to know I keep pouring over your notes to me and want you to know how very much you're touching me and helping me and strengthening me. I feel the love!I have to make this quick because my husband's just left the house to go and quit his job (nothing to do with all of this) so he'll be back soon and around the house all the time, affording me very little privacy. Dang it!

I'm looking into getting professional help. There's online help at Crisis Centre, I went on and had a quick online chat with a counsellor yesterday and she directed me to a couple of affordable counselling places. Said there's lots of help out there for me, I just have to reach out for it.

That's it for now - love you guys! Lifes not over!

18

LifesNotOver - Part Four

by LifesNotOver in

jw
friends

so ... i don't know if any of this is even of interest any more, i know i'm getting kinda bored with it :) so many other more interesting stories out there.

anyway, limped my way through 17 years being a jw until now.

not a good jw mind you.

LifesNotOver

So much to consider! Thank you!

Cangie - thank you for sharing your story with me. It made me nervous, which says to me to pay close attention. A reminder that one can never be sure of another's reactions - I needed to be reminded of that. I was already thinking that next time he and I spoke about it, that I wouldn't let myself be cornered again like I was last time, that I'd be close to the door if I wanted to leave. And that didn't scare me! I'm in some kind of denial. I don't know where I'd go. I have no family close by, have no worldly friends. The only friends I have are you guys! And I wouldn't even consider the elders - I tried that before on other occasions about stuff and learned my lesson there, for sure. Soooo, looks like I need to what? back to being as calm and clear and sure when I speak to him as I can be. Twelve years ago I got myself out of this pickle of a relationship by running away, three years later right back into the pickle jar. TTATT - the truth about the trap is more like it!

And if I decide not to try to get away, live a lie, that's soul destroying for me. I find myself just hoping he'll die soon so I'll be free to enjoy my last few years on this earth. yep, folks, I'm in a bad place right now. I'm sorry, this is me venting. Journaling is helpful, sure, but somehow it's more cathartic when there's someone listening. I need counselling, don't know where to get it. LNO

18

LifesNotOver - Part Four

by LifesNotOver in

jw
friends

so ... i don't know if any of this is even of interest any more, i know i'm getting kinda bored with it :) so many other more interesting stories out there.

anyway, limped my way through 17 years being a jw until now.

not a good jw mind you.

LifesNotOver

Saename - yep, you hit the nail right on the head. I'll have to give this some real thought. You gave me something solid to consider, some action I can think of taking, rather than going round and round and round in my head. Think of a plan, think it out carefully and clearly, and implement it not too quickly but not take too long either. I overthink things and get all bogged down, trying to imagine every scenario and prepare for it, control it. Last time my husband and I spoke I lost my cool, and it pretty much blew up in my face. I'll think about where I went wrong and try to find a better way. This time at least I have a better idea of where he's coming from. And that will help me. What am I afraid of, you ask? His anger. Not physical, but hIs words. And last time he stood over me just screaming at me and red-faced, I did feel threatened, but that's the kid in me, he's never come close to hurting me physically. LNO

18

LifesNotOver - Part Four

by LifesNotOver in

jw
friends

so ... i don't know if any of this is even of interest any more, i know i'm getting kinda bored with it :) so many other more interesting stories out there.

anyway, limped my way through 17 years being a jw until now.

not a good jw mind you.

LifesNotOver

FayeDunaway - thank you for your kind words! Means a lot to me. It's taken this long to figure out your name - very clever! Now I smile whenever I see it.

18

LifesNotOver - Part Four

by LifesNotOver in

jw
friends

so ... i don't know if any of this is even of interest any more, i know i'm getting kinda bored with it :) so many other more interesting stories out there.

anyway, limped my way through 17 years being a jw until now.

not a good jw mind you.

LifesNotOver

Hello again. So ... I don't know if any of this is even of interest any more, I know I'm getting kinda bored with it :) So many other more interesting stories out there. Anyway, limped my way through 17 years being a JW until now. Not a good JW mind you. Oh, I always behaved myself ugh! , but never really got into it, never really believed, oh, I know - lukewarm and Jehovah would vomit me out or something?Nice, hey? Well, now I'm even lukewarm-er, bordering on cold. Oh, I know, I'm among those who have "cooled off", and I like it! And now I'm babbling.

I was slacking off meetings and service more and more until this past year I've been to only a handful of Sunday meetings at the Hall, never comment, no service whatsoever, no mid-week meetings. Just listen in on the phone and if it wasn't for my husband I wouldn't even do that. I can understand now why the pressure to do all that stuff, once you start to take a breather it feels so good you want more, and before long the mind-controlled mind starts to clear and you can start to think for yourself again, and you have the time to think, and you have the time to read other things and you have the time to find a support group such as this! They rob you of your time, they rob you of yourself until you're just an empty shell and they fill you up with their garbage and condemn you if you don't want to be a trash can, spewing your garbage everywhere and on everyone - oh my! - should I delete that last bit? There goes the old guilt trip again - be nice!

So, my husband is much more "in" than I ever realized. Because he constantly picked fault, I didn't think he'd be so hard-nosed about my findings. My mistake. He's digging in ever deeper. It was all about people's flaws, and minor things like him wanting to keep his beard, not anything deep like things to do with the Governing Body, or the teachings, or the bible. He can't even discuss my new thinking and my new feelings with me - he goes right off the deep end. I've written before about him yelling at me that I was an "Apostate Witch" and he couldn't live with an AW and he'd rather be dead so he rode off on his motorcycle to kill himself - he was back in 2 hours - yeah, I know. What can I say? He loses it sometimes!

So he's determined to be a better spiritual head, that he takes responsibility for letting me down. So now the elders have taken to dropping by, and my husband insisted we attend a family study group at someone's home the other night, and I'm getting these phone calls from concerned sisters. Argh!! My husband insists he hasn't said anything to anyone, and he probably hasn't said anything that will get me into trouble i.e. about this forum, but has said enough about me being "oh so discouraged" and depressed and in so much pain from my back, etc. that they've finally clued in that this "weak" sister is in danger of "falling away" and they could be held accountable by Jehovah for never befriending me all these years.

I know I keep writing with so many quotation marks, and that's because I don't want to sound like them anymore but need to when I write about it all.

I feel like I should be getting to the point of why I'm here. I keep writing and now it's like I've written myself into a corner. I want help and I want to contribute, but feel that without my background you won't be able to help. Although you've done remarkably well up to this point, thank you!

In a nutshell - I want out of this cult and my still-in husband doesn't want me out and has a conniption fit whenever the subject comes up. I'd disassociate if it wasn't for him, I'm just so sick of it! If I were to disassociate he'd be miserable and make my life a misery. Wait, no, maybe I wouldn't even jump through their hoops at all. Just stop having anything to do with them. I haven't made any so-called friends, so there'd be no one I'd miss. I have no family in the truth, never have. I don't have the option of separating from my husband or I might take that route too.. I did that several years ago, even divorced, but we remarried.

I know for some there's no hurry to solve this, but in my case I feel there is, because of my age and maybe my mental health. I don't want to spend much more time on fading or whatever, I want to start living and stop pretending I'm just "so depressed", all that brings on is more "encouragement" - encouragement! humbug! it's guilt-tripping and pressure pure and simple.

So how does one live a double life? I know there are many on here who are. I'm not being dramatic when I say I feel like I'm DYING inside, feel like I want to throw up, when I'm at a meeting (or even listening on the phone), or when newly-interested-in-me sisters phone and want to come by, or when newly-interested-in-me elders drop by, or when I join my husband in prayer, or when he wants to read the daily text together, or when we listen to the governing body's monthly blurb.

Right now, this minute, I wish my husband would simply walk out on me. It's harder to have him around than not. That's not possible though, he's too needy! Plus we'd both be in the poor house.

That's my rant for now. I would love to hear from anyone, positive posts only, please. I'm normally pretty strong, but very fragile right now. LifesNotOver