Thank you Minimus, Simon and Outlaw for your comments. I especially thank you, because you are "veterans" and could move on and never come back to this site, but you still help others to work out their "issues". I often decided to never come back to this site, just to forget my JW past, but then I come here, secretly hoping for "THE" big announcement that the WT is closed down, that they are crumbling and everybody leaving en masse.
A day that never comes.
Actually, I don't even know why I am hoping for that. All my family stopped talking to me years ago. I haven't seen my sisters or my parents in 4 years now.
The anger and hate comes and goes. It isn't as strong or painful anymore, because I focus living "in the Now". Just in the present. The more I think about the Past, the more Anger, bitterness and hate crawl up my chest. I don't think alot about the future as that is something that I don't have yet. It is a concept in the mind of humans. Maybe I don't think about the Future because the WT made me think TOO much about a glorious future. We lived in a fantasy future and forgot about the Present. The only thing you will ever have!
How screwed up am I? - You judge. Leaving Bet-HELL (after 10 years) without any savings, pension fund or good curriculum got me into some pretty risky business "adventures". I wanted to "make up" for the lost time. Without real experience. This left me with a high level of debt. I worked for a Fortune 100 corporation (pretty good job) but hated the structure and rigid corporative culture that reminded me so much of the dirty WT Bet-HELL structure. I lost that job.
I am not here to put all the responsability of my own decisions on others, even the WT or my mother, I am just telling you how it is and what led me into this situation.
One of the strongest things you would notice about me (and my girlfriend has) is that I am a compulsive liar. I had to become a good liar since I was a child. My mother was a hard-core Witness and I was a freedom loving kid. I just wanted to go out and ride my bike with worldly friends. I had to lie. Tell her I was preaching or that I was at this pioneers house, etc. I became pretty good at it. Just to grab that bit of freedom here and then. Over the years it became automatic.
I still have to lie. I lie about my past. I made up a story for 15 years of "Special" Full-time service. Whenever people ask me what I did, why my parents never show up or why I don't have "old time friends", etc. I lie. I tell stories. I invented a complete curriculum that I submitted to companies to apply for a job. No way in hell would I mention that I was part of a stupid cult. That has brought me more poverty and more debt.
Other than that I truly enjoy my freedom. The most precious asset I ever had.
Some of you have incredible stories. Thank you Balaamsass2 for your account. I could relate to you. Magnum, would like to hear more about your story. Sounds pretty rough. If you want.
PS: Not seeing my little daughter hurts like hell.
