Sadly giving great talks was my VALIDATION in life to a great extent.
My reward was moving people. Though I was shy I did love the validation at conventions when there was a line of people who wanted to tell me that what I had said touched them in some way.
I also felt superior almost all the other brothers who just mailed it in, or really just didnt have the ability to do better.
Pouring my soul into each line was my "work" and gave me the subconscious licence to NOT have a career, NOT plan for the future, NOT work on having a nice home, NOT do anyone of a million things I regret so much now.