Oh, and thanks again for sharing your stuff with us. It gives us a break from dealing with our own stuff (we ALL have ours) and believe it or not we learn from your stuff in the process too. Having been through some stuff it's awesome to see someone else mustering the courage to face their own stuff too. Back to my own stuff I go.
SPAZnik
JoinedPosts by SPAZnik
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56
Help please - my wife wants a divorce
by IMHO ini've read some old posts and they don't really fit my situation.. my wife just told me she wants a divorce and that's it after nearly 20 years., she doesn't want to try to work on it.. other posts talk about friends and family.
i have no family and no friends (due to a lot of traveling).. i went back to my hometown a year ago (after many years away) and even then old friends treated me as a stranger, like they've moved on.. i've had a lot of emotional / mental problems, basically a breakdown so have found it impossible to fulfill my role as a husband for many years, emotionally and physically and she said she's had enough, although she's never talked about it before.. she went out and had an unplanned one-night-stand.
i forgive me but she says she doesn't love me anymore.. we both find it very difficult to communicate our feelings.
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56
Help please - my wife wants a divorce
by IMHO ini've read some old posts and they don't really fit my situation.. my wife just told me she wants a divorce and that's it after nearly 20 years., she doesn't want to try to work on it.. other posts talk about friends and family.
i have no family and no friends (due to a lot of traveling).. i went back to my hometown a year ago (after many years away) and even then old friends treated me as a stranger, like they've moved on.. i've had a lot of emotional / mental problems, basically a breakdown so have found it impossible to fulfill my role as a husband for many years, emotionally and physically and she said she's had enough, although she's never talked about it before.. she went out and had an unplanned one-night-stand.
i forgive me but she says she doesn't love me anymore.. we both find it very difficult to communicate our feelings.
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56
Help please - my wife wants a divorce
by IMHO ini've read some old posts and they don't really fit my situation.. my wife just told me she wants a divorce and that's it after nearly 20 years., she doesn't want to try to work on it.. other posts talk about friends and family.
i have no family and no friends (due to a lot of traveling).. i went back to my hometown a year ago (after many years away) and even then old friends treated me as a stranger, like they've moved on.. i've had a lot of emotional / mental problems, basically a breakdown so have found it impossible to fulfill my role as a husband for many years, emotionally and physically and she said she's had enough, although she's never talked about it before.. she went out and had an unplanned one-night-stand.
i forgive me but she says she doesn't love me anymore.. we both find it very difficult to communicate our feelings.
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SPAZnik
Embrace the fear.
And thank you for sharing with us.I imagine fear isn't the only thing you're feeling right now.
IF it fits how you're really feeling, you might even say to this woman: Someday I might thank you for this, but right now I'm scared and pissed off and sad because I feel abandoned and ashamed because I never meant to get into this situation!!
Resistance is protection. Fear is wisdom. Anger is strength. Shame is humility. Sadness is healing.
Love is action. Embrace the emotions and get the gifts.
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56
Help please - my wife wants a divorce
by IMHO ini've read some old posts and they don't really fit my situation.. my wife just told me she wants a divorce and that's it after nearly 20 years., she doesn't want to try to work on it.. other posts talk about friends and family.
i have no family and no friends (due to a lot of traveling).. i went back to my hometown a year ago (after many years away) and even then old friends treated me as a stranger, like they've moved on.. i've had a lot of emotional / mental problems, basically a breakdown so have found it impossible to fulfill my role as a husband for many years, emotionally and physically and she said she's had enough, although she's never talked about it before.. she went out and had an unplanned one-night-stand.
i forgive me but she says she doesn't love me anymore.. we both find it very difficult to communicate our feelings.
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SPAZnik
Instead of looking at this as a problem, perhaps consider looking at it as an OPPORTUNITY. An opportunity to do the most loving thing you've ever done for the woman that it sounds like has burnt herself out trying to caregive you, carrying you on her back for however many years. Let her set you down. Let her. I promise you it will be the most loving thing you could do for her right now. Go get another oxygen mask a real one, not a wife, not even a single person, perhaps a more structured healing organization, if that's the kind of support you already know that you need. Look at it as your chance to be loving (to both her and yourself) and at the same time selfless for the first time. Things only happen if there is also an opportunity or opportunities for a way out.
Oh, and one more suggestion. Ignore the word divorce. It really doesn't matter. From the day before she told you, to the day after she told you, nothing really changed. Things were always this way or headed this way based on your own choices. All that changed is your awareness. This is actually a step forward. It's up to you how you handle it from here. It speaks to your character now and has nothing to do with her. This is about you. Take a few slow deep breaths, and go call a crisis line if you have to. All you have to say is help. They will help you get your legs under you now and they will be better qualified.
Forgive your self for abusing your wife's frail humanity this way. Forgive your wife for being human and having a limit and a breaking point. And do the same for yourself. Be really really gentle about everything right now and just go slow if you are feeling resistant. It sounds like you don't have to do anything really and she will likely be handling the rest of the stuff. But now it's up to you to decide what you are willing to do FOR YOURSELF. It's not about your wife anymore. You can't use her as your excuse to hide anymore. You can finally seize this opportunity to show her love though. This is your chance to learn how to be who you really are instead of a mere shell of who you are.
Yes, it's scary as hell, I'd like to welcome you to living and feeling.
The truth really does set free, not a JW packaged "truth", but YOUR honest, living, breathing, real truth. Your honest emotional truth. You are not the first person to walk this emotional path. There is help from others that have both walked AND studied the path. I believe this is one of those times when, passing through your own personal "armageddon" you can reach a sort of "paradise" that you don't even realize exists. It's ALL an analogy, see? As a friend of mine once nicely summarized it to me, "it's always darkest before dawn".I'm unfamiliar with your situation so I don't know if there is someone you could humble yourself enough to go be around or stay with temporarily while you give yourself time to decide how to process your new awareness about the real nature of your situation. Family, friend, even a sufficiently respectful enemy will do in a crisis like this. I hope you will keep us posted as to how you are doing and let us celebrate whatever steps you decide to take. Don't give up on yourself, okay. If you can let a broken woman go care for herself, there's hope for you yet.
Plus you seem fairly honest with us here and it seems to me that was a significant step. The cool thing about counsellors is that they are bound by law to be confidential so it can be a nice quiet safe place to hide for a while.I hope you will give yourself credit for small steps like reaching out to others and even for becoming more aware of where you are really at now. I think your comment that you've seen her as your oxygen mask shows great awareness on your part and I believe there is a LOT of power in that kind of awareness. I don't feel sorry for you right now, I feel excited for you because I know you have a great opportunity here. If you've plunked along this far with such a challenging and limiting dynamic going on, imagine how great things can be once you've got much better oxygen reserves in place.
You only have to make one choice right now, then you get to simply ride it out. The choice likely has nothing to do with changing her mind. The choice may be how you are going to choose to manage this situation, giving up on yourself or standing up for yourself, with difficulty or with grace and whether you are going to take this opportunity to be loving. Love is not a feeling, it's an action. Start small but significant. You already know what you need to do.
And don't buy into anyone that would "label" you. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a normal human being responding to abnormal circumstances in exactly the same ways that billions of humans have responded before you and much the same as others will after you. Now that you are more aware, maybe try thinking of yourself as a mad scientist who's time has come to experiment and explore with other ways of living and being. Do what you really want to do. You are the one that will live with the consequences from here on in. Right now you are already living with the consequences of past choices and I respect that you have been so honest about how hard you have leaned on her to do your living for you. This honesty and awareness gives me hope that you will find your next step and your next oxygen mask until you are breathing again fully on your own.
The relief you will experience will really be worth it. The fears that you face right now are about to make you a very wise man, if you continue to embrace them.
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SPAZnik
THE GLADIATOR -> I love the way you put that about uncomfortable but alive. So true. Not sure I never felt anger, just kept trying to skip over it like it was bad or something and ignoring it or turning it inward on myself all too often. Very positive what you said about recovery. For me it's happening on a number of fronts. Hallelujah. Or something.
)nugget -> Totally true that it's active and very motivating. Nice to know I'm not the only one and I like how you called it an important emotion.
sacolton -> True. As life would have it, that's exactly what I was doing. In a bit of a healing crisis, of sorts, and things seem to be bubbling up the past while. It's a lot of work when that happens. I'm trying to roll with it.
JimmyPage -> I love the way you put that and I'm totally partial to zen stuff. I ought to read more of it when I have a chance. Anger seems to be the next natural step for me. I'm looking forward to what's next but there seem to be no shortcuts. Waaaa. lol
dgp -> All very good points. Yes, I'm trying not to "act out" with it as it were and recognize it is as you suggested, a long-term process. Hopefully that will help get me through.
babygirl30 -> Awesome expressions. Thanks for that, eh.
Twitch -> Tempting. How'dja know?
BabaYaga -> I'd love to take the credit, but someone else shared it with me and I'm just passing it on 'cause I found it interesting and beautiful too! Glad you can appreciate.
I think I've got some anger about a number of things lately and I'm still a little scared of the intensity of it all so it could take a while, to really get rolling with it, but once I do I hope it'll move right along. Thanks for your very encouraging and real sharing.Thank you all. I enjoyed hearing your snippets and tidbits and wisdom. Much appreciated!
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56
Help please - my wife wants a divorce
by IMHO ini've read some old posts and they don't really fit my situation.. my wife just told me she wants a divorce and that's it after nearly 20 years., she doesn't want to try to work on it.. other posts talk about friends and family.
i have no family and no friends (due to a lot of traveling).. i went back to my hometown a year ago (after many years away) and even then old friends treated me as a stranger, like they've moved on.. i've had a lot of emotional / mental problems, basically a breakdown so have found it impossible to fulfill my role as a husband for many years, emotionally and physically and she said she's had enough, although she's never talked about it before.. she went out and had an unplanned one-night-stand.
i forgive me but she says she doesn't love me anymore.. we both find it very difficult to communicate our feelings.
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SPAZnik
How about go take care of yourself and leave yourself the option of coming back stronger to win her back later? Whatever you have to tell yourself to get rolling and do what needs doing. I agree that if you love someone you'll set them free. Be gentle with yourself. It might help you feel some compassion for her too.
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If You're Single What's Your View Of Dating For Mostly A "Booty Call"?
by minimus ini have a female friend who has dated a guy for over a year simply for the sex.. a lot of people i know have zero desire to get married or to be in a very serious relationship but of course, they still want sex.. what do you think of this?.
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A relationship question for middle aged men
by Magwitch inmy dilemma...i have enjoyed a very fun and active dating life these last four years of freedom.
most dates end by me moving on (always another fish out there).
last fall i started dating someone i really like (as in i would like a commitment).
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56
Help please - my wife wants a divorce
by IMHO ini've read some old posts and they don't really fit my situation.. my wife just told me she wants a divorce and that's it after nearly 20 years., she doesn't want to try to work on it.. other posts talk about friends and family.
i have no family and no friends (due to a lot of traveling).. i went back to my hometown a year ago (after many years away) and even then old friends treated me as a stranger, like they've moved on.. i've had a lot of emotional / mental problems, basically a breakdown so have found it impossible to fulfill my role as a husband for many years, emotionally and physically and she said she's had enough, although she's never talked about it before.. she went out and had an unplanned one-night-stand.
i forgive me but she says she doesn't love me anymore.. we both find it very difficult to communicate our feelings.
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56
Help please - my wife wants a divorce
by IMHO ini've read some old posts and they don't really fit my situation.. my wife just told me she wants a divorce and that's it after nearly 20 years., she doesn't want to try to work on it.. other posts talk about friends and family.
i have no family and no friends (due to a lot of traveling).. i went back to my hometown a year ago (after many years away) and even then old friends treated me as a stranger, like they've moved on.. i've had a lot of emotional / mental problems, basically a breakdown so have found it impossible to fulfill my role as a husband for many years, emotionally and physically and she said she's had enough, although she's never talked about it before.. she went out and had an unplanned one-night-stand.
i forgive me but she says she doesn't love me anymore.. we both find it very difficult to communicate our feelings.
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SPAZnik
I hear and can relate to what you've said about resisting counseling. I've felt that resistance before. It's perfectly normal and dare I say common among people that have experienced the JW life and other abuses.
You sound an intelligent, articulate person and you've mentioned struggling with emotion. There is an analogy I love when it comes to this ... of a row boat, with two oars. One oar is thinking and the other is feeling. When we rely too heavily on only one, well, it's obvious what happens.
I'd like to share something with you that has helped me through some stuff and things. Please feel free to do with it what you will.
You mention fear. Very cool emotion. One of my favorites.
Each emotion has a gift and the gift of fear is wisdom if you are willing to embrace it.
Here are a few other emotions and their gifts:
Sadness = healing
Fear = wisdom
Resistance = protection
Anger = strength
Shame = humility
Embrace each feeling, even the uncomfortable ones, and get the gifts.
There are only 4 things we can do with feelings. Talk them out (share them), somotize them (turn them in on ourselves which leads to health problems etc), project them onto others (aim them at the wrong person place or thing), or act them out. Only the first is healthy.
I wanted to share.
I hope you will benefit as you make of this what you will. After a length of time spent avoiding our feelings, embracing them can take practice. Be gentle with yourself. If you decide to hire someone to help you with understanding or practicing the emotional stuff, do it for you, and again, be please gentle with yourself.
Another analogy I love is the one about putting on your own oxygen mask first when in a plummeting aircraft. Otherwise you are useless to others. Put on your oxygen mask. Do nothing but that right now. You need it. Once you have that on, you can worry about your wife.