Awen,
Thank you for the very candid and honest post. You may very well come to the same conclusion as I and Talesin have, and if you have been an unquestioning believer most of your life like I was it takes a bit of humility to admit it, although in my case it was also refreshing. Some can never go that far even when exposed to the facts, they have a need to believe, and bolster it by playing the faith card. Maybe it's pride, maybe it's just that it is too painful to admit this life is all you get.
Good luck in your journey.