first post here and looking for advice and help.
sorry in advance for it being so long :(.
i'm a happily married woman (no kids) who is a non-jw, presbyterian to be precise.
Saename, I know its not ideal, but it works for now. When we have a house someday, I'll find a place for it that's more in the main part of the house. Its a small victory for me and I'm just trying to embrace it and enjoy my season. Reading back on lots of these posts, most people seemed to think there was no resolution for me.
I still think the whole thing is crazy, but he's worth the crazy every now and then. I think this was a milestone and a path for our future was paved.
first post here and looking for advice and help.
sorry in advance for it being so long :(.
i'm a happily married woman (no kids) who is a non-jw, presbyterian to be precise.
I'm back...
So my husband and I talked the other night and I have to say it went well. He wanted me to understand why his religion does not celebrate icons, symbols, etc. He showed me some passages from the Bible and explained that he's trying to live his life in the "truth".
He made some good points, but said he understood why I would be so sad without my holiday traditions. He knows its how I was raised, and that it's important to me.
Long story short, we compromised on putting the tree up in my office/extra bedroom in the apartment. Its not ideally where I wanted it, but he said that as long as it wasn't in his face, it was ok. I'll take it! I was very happy that we reached an agreement :) I think it speaks to how much we love and respect each other. And btw, I didn't even need to break out any of the information I printed out, which made me happy.
I put on the Christmas tunes and decorated my tree yesterday. Thank you all for the input and information you shared! It helped me more than you could ever know.
first post here and looking for advice and help.
sorry in advance for it being so long :(.
i'm a happily married woman (no kids) who is a non-jw, presbyterian to be precise.
Giordano, thank you for your kind words. Everyone, thank you for your comments and insight.
Vivalavida, thank you so much for those links! To see it in print is really good and I will be printing these out to show him.
first post here and looking for advice and help.
sorry in advance for it being so long :(.
i'm a happily married woman (no kids) who is a non-jw, presbyterian to be precise.
Everyone, thank you truly for this information. I would call you out personally, but I don't know how to link your names on here!
Regarding our choice to not have children: I am in agreement on this, it wasn't all his decision. We were 40 when we married, so if we were younger this might have been something I thought about. I was always on the fence about having kids, but seeing close friends and what they and their marriages have gone through, I concluded a long time ago that it wasn't for me. I was actually relieved when he told me he didn't want kids because the guy I was in a serious relationship before him wanted many. My husband is from a huge family himself and frankly I don't think there was enough affection, money, food or attention to go around. His mom and her siblings were molested as kids by older family members. I'm pretty sure one of these aunts and/or a "brother or sister" at the kh molested some of his siblings too. His feeling is that you can't watch your kids all the time and you never know who's hurting them, which is a terrible thought :(
Yes I moved and gave up a lot by leaving my home state, but it was our only option to try to have a normal relationship. I should have hammered out the details better before moving, especially the day the movers came and he told me to toss the tree. He consoled me and I thought he understood that it was too big a deal to me to not have. I should never have assumed. The way I feel now is that I should have made him put it in writing or everything was coming off the truck and I was going to stay put.
I feel manipulated and it sucks.
Giordano, yes, his reason to return was really to reunite with the family and stop the shunning. They had a brother die tragically a few years ago and it broke them all a bit. It was his closest sibling, so to return to his family was important (I thought).
Before we married I offered to look into other religions with him to try to find common ground we could both agree with. Unitarianism was one thought. He shot it down quickly because the only way back to the family was to get reinstated. I wish I had asked more questions or done my own research before we married, but I trusted that we were going to stick to our own beliefs and that was it.
If there is any more ammo info anyone can provide, I would gladly appreciate it. I pray that he will be reasonable and take into consideration everything that I've been through and sacrificed to be with him. He is the love of my life, but I WILL NOT be compromising on this matter.
first post here and looking for advice and help.
sorry in advance for it being so long :(.
i'm a happily married woman (no kids) who is a non-jw, presbyterian to be precise.
Thank you everyone for the replies. I've been upset all day about this, so to get home and read this all now is comforting...a bit.
I will say, I am an opinionated, tough east coast girl that had a pretty major career back home. He likes that I am so independent, have a voice and am not a pushover. All that being said, I'm a good wife and am always thinking of his needs. I think he knows better than to try to strong arm me and pull the "head of house" card. He really isn't like that, haven't seen any inkling in 4 years and I pray that he never shows me that side of himself. I would never have moved across the country for anyone that wasn't 100% good to me.
We have planned to not have kids, which I know would be a major challenge as to how they would be raised. I find it interesting but very, very sad how much I've read on this site about JW's and pedophelia. There are molesters in his family, and its a major reason he doesn't want to have kids.
He doesn't leave watchtowers around, in fact I've never seen one in the apartment. He has his bible on a kindle, so that was a good point by The Fall Guy, but sadly, its lost on this argument. I do always iron his clothes for him when he goes to his meetings. He just got accepted back in, and I was happy for him because I know it meant a lot to him and his family. I'm sure deep down they all hope I'll convert someday, but I'm never joining their cult. I've made it very clear and they seem to be ok with it.
I hope I can reason with him and cite some of the things I've read here in the comments. He is very quick to talk about pagan symbolism and Christian holidays, so I'm sure thats where the argument is heading. To me, my tree is family history, tradition, winter, beauty, art and nostalgia. I'm happy to remove any Santas or religious ornaments (or at least put them on the back of the tree!) if that's what he wants. He mentioned just decorating for winter, but the tree is the only thing I want. I don't care about other decorations. I'm happy to call it a "winter tree" or a "nostalgia tree" if that will make this go smoothly.
He said he never had a problem with my tree when I lived on my own because it wasn't "his house". He would come and stay with me 3 days a week at my apartment until I moved out here in august. If there's no compromise and I'm forbidden to put the tree up, well, that's unfortunately where our marriage will start to crack. I can't be expected to give up everything...
I will report back after we talk. Thanks again for your insight :)
first post here and looking for advice and help.
sorry in advance for it being so long :(.
i'm a happily married woman (no kids) who is a non-jw, presbyterian to be precise.
Hi there,
First post here and looking for advice and help. Sorry in advance for it being so long :(
I'm a happily married woman (no kids) who is a non-JW, Presbyterian to be precise. I was raised and baptized a Presbyterian and have no plans to ever become a JW. I married my husband when he was disfellowshipped a few years ago. He was raised a JW, disfellowshipped for a few years, married me and now has recently been accepted back in. I love him dearly, he is a WONDERFUL man, and we agreed long ago for him to do his thing religiously and me to do mine. His family accepts me too and him coming back was very important to them. My feeling (and my family) was that if he wanted to worship something, it wasn't the worst thing a person could do...there are worse things. Our circumstances led us to have to live in separate states the first year of our marriage, but this will be our first Christmas together living in our own apartment. The topic of me putting up my tree came up last night and ended with me in tears all night and now into the morning.
While living on my own, I always had a tree. He was there for 3 Christmases to see the pride I take in decorating my beautiful tree every year and how special the ornaments are to me. Many have been passed down to me through the generations, and the thought of not putting a tree up this year makes me sick.
I've passed on other holidays to appease him, I've gotten used to him never wishing me a happy birthday but this I feel I cannot accept. Not putting up my tree had never come up until the day the movers arrived a few months ago and he told me to leave my tree at the curb with the trash. I freaked out and got very emotional because this was the first I had heard of this, not to mention the fact that I was giving up my job, leaving my friends and moving far off to the midwest. The tree and all the trimmings made it with me here by the way.
He wants to talk about it in a few days when he gets back from a work trip. He was kind about it, but wants to get "his thoughts together" and talk it out later. I found this site this morning and have been reading for hours.
On a thread this morning I read this:
"Even if his wife is an unbeliever, he must see to it that his children receive proper Christian education and training both at home and at the Kingdom Hall, and he should do all that he can to help his wife see the truth of God’s Word. At the same time he ought to grant his wife freedom to worship God her own way, and she may at times insist on taking the children to her place of worship. Granting her freedom of worship may even mean letting her have a Christmas tree in one room of the house during that season, although the believing husband would not let other rooms of the house or its outside be decorated. By thus extending freedom of worship to his wife he shows that he loves her as he loves himself.—Eph. 5:28, 29."
Please help....Is this accurate? Will elders be stopping by to check in on him and that's what he's worried about? Can we compromise somehow? I can forget other holidays, but being oppressed by a religion I don't believe in has officially gone too far for me without my tree :(
