Hello, this is my first post and the first time I have told my entire story, albeit abridged, to anyone. It will be a long story, sorry.
My grandparents were brought up with different religious backgrounds but converted to Bible Students around the Depression era. Later, my grandfather met my grandmother through the congregation and got married until his death, having a marriage that lasted over four decades. My grandparents were very much into the Truth and my grandpa even became the president/Elder of a congregation (before the present-day arrangement of the body of elders). He was a strict, but caring, person who would give the shirt off his back to help anyone. My grandmother was always in field service and signed up frequently to be a pioneer (she even served as a missionary in her early years). As a result, my family had a good name recognized throughout the region. One problem was that my grandpa often neglected my dad who never got into trouble for the wayward sheep in the congregation and my dad's ne'er-do-well siblings. This caused tension because my father was always forced to be a good publisher, "strongly admonished" to not pursue a further education, and basically always live in the shadow of a great elder. Later, my dad met my mom (also in the congregation) and got married. Shortly after, I was born.
Growing up as a child, I remember always going into field service every Saturday, studying and going to the meetings three times a week, and generally being a good boy who never associated with "worldlies." For a while, I was happy and had a strong sense of identity and purpose. Eventually, though, I began to grow distant from the organization and began to loathe going to the meetings and field service. Little things began to bother men.
I still remember vividly answering difficult questions in the Kingdom Ministry School talks regarding the blood issue at the time of year we had to renew our forms. It amazed me how uninformed many in the congregation were to such an important topic. Further, I once was at field service with another elder and I asked him when constituents of blood ceased to be "blood" for all intents and purposes, and what defined the "cut-off" point between "inherently objectionable" and "left to one's conscience." His answers failed to satisfy my twelve-year-old curiosity. Many doubts crept up to me slowly.
Another issue was the Organization's position on higher education. As a fairly intelligent person, going to college was never a question. I was going to go and not waste my mind. Seeing how my family fared without higher education because of the organization's policies strengthened my resolution to go college. I saw through the BS that was presented in assemblies about brothers rejecting academia for the Organization.
Unfortunately, my intelligence was a double-edged sword because it translated into good comments, a high maturity level, and good general biblical knowledge. Heck, I gave my first part when I was 6 reading the bible on stage; it made me seem like I would quickly become a ministerial servant, then elder, then who knows what (CO, DO, Bethelite). That's why when I turned 12 and hadn't shown a strong interest in getting baptized, some began to prod me "gently." (Sidebar: By this time, my grandfather had already passed and my family really wasn't that zealous in the Truth; nevertheless, thanks to my grandparents, I was a "legacy")
There were only two problems with me getting baptized: 1) I didn't believe everything that was said at the meetings, 2) I was GAY.
As I went through puberty, I began to feel a strong attraction towards males. Earlier, I felt I would marry a girl and live happily ever after, but realized that was not going to happen. As I battled with these emotions, I believed I would be able to pray to Jehovah or that, as the Young People Ask book says, outgrow these temporary feelings. As you might suspect, I wasn't able to rid myself of these feelings. Eventually, I realized as a teenager that I could not get baptized because if I did, I would be accountable to the Organization and, if I got disfellowshiped for acting on my impulses, I would lose my entire family. So I strategically decided to not get baptized so my family and I would remain bonded. (I was really afraid of getting DF'd because my aunt had been DF'd and no one in my family ever visited her because my grandparents had to follow the draconian protocol to the letter). So, when an elder offered me a bible study so I could be baptized, I politely accepted, but began to feel very ill emotionally. Eventually, I fell into depression and anxiety and was seen regularly by a psychiatrist and psychologist. I never uttered to these professionals what was wrong with me, but just made up false reasons why I was depressed. I was prescribed medication which helped; that also indefinitely delayed my bible study because I was "ill."
After months of therapy, my mom (who is as liberal JWs as you can find) said she saw in me how uncomfortable the meetings made me and said if I wanted to stop going, she would understand. (The reason why meetings made me uncomfortable was because I didn't want to be approached about when I was going to get baptized or hear comments that made homosexuals seem like degenerates. For instance, in one assembly's demonstration, two young JW's sisters (by birth) were discussing a gay topic and the dad overheard them and stormed in and said to "NEVER speak of such topic again because it went against God." The untactfulness of the presentation that made even mentioning gay issues taboo made me cry later on making me feel that, by that definition, I couldn't even awknowledge what was going on with me). For all intents and purposes, from that day on, I disassociated myself from the Organization and haven't looked back. I will still go to assemblies and the Lord's Supper, but it is now more for anthropological reasons rather than spiritual; plus it makes my mom feel comfortable in her mind thinking there's a chance I might go back. My dad hasn't really broached the subject because he himself rarely goes to meetings anymore. He has become really lukewarm in the organization because of years of neglect from my grandfather as he put the "kingdom's interests" first.
I still struggle with my sexuality because I don't know what to do. Will I fall in love with someone and be happy? What will my family say if I ever have a boyfriend or partner? Given that marriage may actually be a possiblity in the future, would I be emotionally ready to wed? Will my family be ready? My mom is the only member of the family who knows I'm gay and says she loves me no matter what. Nevertheless, loving me doesn't automatically equate with acceptance of any significant other I may have. Given that family is very strong for me, I won't really come out until I am ready and stable in life. Until then I hope to finish my education (BA in economics) and be a productive member of society (the worldly one).
Nevertheless, I feel horrible knowing that if I had become baptized and then become disfellowshipped, I would have lost much of my family. I am glad I never did get baptized as I am glad to finally begin to heal from all of the trauma and cognitive dissonance I faced throughout my childhood. I know I had it relatively easy and just pray (figuratively, because I actually do not believe in the power of prayer on anyone other than the one who prays and those who know they are being prayed upon because of the psychological effects) those who have it harder than me are able to find peace and comfort.
Sorry if my post was all over the place. I tried to condence 22 years of my life in one small essay. If y'all have any questions, I will be glad to answer them. Thanks for giving me a place to heal.
