Posts by RunAwayDaughter

14

18-Year Old Daughter Moves in with Boyfriend and studying to become a witness

by RunAwayDaughter in

jw
friends

my 18-year-old-daughter, who has not finished high school, left south carolina on january 31 with her 22-year old boyfriend to move in with his family in california.

they are jehovah witness.

daughter: i love you too.

18-Year Old Daughter Moves in with Boyfriend and studying to become a witness

by RunAwayDaughter in

jw
friends

my 18-year-old-daughter, who has not finished high school, left south carolina on january 31 with her 22-year old boyfriend to move in with his family in california.

they are jehovah witness.

daughter: i love you too.

My 18-year-old-daughter, who has not finished high school, left South Carolina on January 31 with her 22-year old boyfriend to move in with his family in California. They are Jehovah Witness. There are 12 people living in a the house. My daughter has known him roughly eight months. Please read the former posts about this topic.

She finally called me Sunday night to tell me she made an A in English (high school). I could tell she was upset. I told her I was proud of her and if she were here, I would give her a great big hug. She started crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she missed us and asked if she could visit during her brother's Spring Break. Her oldest brother's birthday is April 1, so we talked about her coming home for his birthday and staying a couple of weeks. She also said she was finishing up her high school work and would graduate early. I invited her to come with us to Britain to see her grandmother, her two cousins and aunt (one cousin had her first baby yesterday - March 18 - and Ciara has been so excited about Becky's pregnancy). I told her we had rented a house next door to Becky and her aunt rented a house in Wales so the entire family can honor her father by spreading some of his ashes in the Welsh mountains and on the cricket field where he played. (The spreading of the ashes is NOT a religious ceremony. Just a remembrance ) She said she would like that and would think about it. We discussed her coming home to visit March 25 and returning April 11. I sent her the information to her email address.

On Monday morning, she sent "Is there any chance for us to fly out April 1st? I've made a commitment to Bryan & hs family on March 31st."

I wrote back that April 1 is her brother's birthday and I'm going to be with him. I asked her to call me so we could look at other options together.

Long story short, she called yesterday afternoon - much happier. I told her that she and Bryan said that his family is very "family oriented" and that they should understand her wanting to spend that Sunday with her brother and family. Also, her brother, who is learning disabled (complex II mitochondrial disease) He is excited about her coming home for his birthday. He is only three months older they her and they grew up like twins.

I asked if the commitment was related to the JW church. She said yes. She said it was a special meeting that happens once a year and it was a really big deal. I asked if she attending JW meetings and she confirmed that she is studying to become a witness. (Finally, a grain of truth!) I stayed calm.

I asked if Bryan was a witness. She said yes. I asked wasn't he shunned. She said yes, but he was working to get "reinstated." I asked wasn't it against JW for them to be living together and having sex? Couldn't they both be shunned for that. She said yeah, but didn't address it and I didn't push it. She said she was going to send a link so I could learn more about JW - a publication with daily "devotionals." I told her to send it that I was open to learning more.

We discussed the dates of the trip to come home. I explained that since she is becoming a JW, this would probably be her last trip home, so it was important that she stay two-three weeks to finish up her driver's licenses, tie up loose ends, etc. to be prepared for a permanent move to California. Also, this would be the last birthday she celebrated with her brother and she could always celebrate the annual event. She didn't argue the point - I think she knows that she will have to give up her family. (I think she was crying Sunday because her boyfriend and she got into an argument, not because she misses us. If she missed us, she would want to stand up for her family.)

I asked about the trip to Britain to celebrate the baby's birth, honor her father and celebrate their graduation. She said she was not going because she would rather walk the stage with Bryan's cousins. I said okay. She said that she would FaceTime us last night to talk with her brothers and grandmother, who was in the hospital Sunday night. And, to firm up the dates for the visit home. She never called. And, she never sent the link to the JW information.

This morning we had to following text exchange:

Daughter at 8:16 a.m. EST: jw.org

Me: Thank you. They've got some great articles. Any specific one you would like me to read?

Daughter: I'm not going to be able to come down until the summer.

Me: Ok. No problem. Can you call me?

Daughter: Not at the moment since I'm still at school. I just wanted to let you know.

Me: Ok. I was hoping you would call last night. I talked with Evan and he was okay with me coming to get you on April 1st. Is that still adoption? We were looking forward to spending Spring Break with you. /even if it is only a few days.

Daughter: I need to just focus on school right now. I'll come down once y'all come back from England.

Me: OK. Will you call me after school?

Daughter: If I'm able to.

Me: ?

Daughter: If I am able to call you I will

Me: OK I love you

Daughter: I love you too. Break's over so I have to go. I'll try to ttyl

Me: K

Four and half hours later I wrote to her: Just looked at jw.org. What I read looks good. Glad you are reading the Bible and learning. Love ya.

I believe my next step should be to sit tight and wait for her to call or text me.

She is getting sucked in to the cult. I'm in South Carolina and she is in Arleta, CA. Other than waiting for her to come to her senses, do you have any recommendations or guidance?

Why wouldn't she want to see her new cousin and spread her father's ashes - something she wanted to do?

How can she be studying to become a Witness when she is living in sin? Living with her "shunned" boyfriend and having sex? Why would the JW elders allow this?

How long will it take her to finish the classes to become a Witness? What happens after she finishes the classes? I truly believe she is only becoming a JW to marry him.

She does not have any of her identification (no passport, birth certificate, adoption papers, driver's permit or social security card). Can she get married the JW temple with her identification?

Why would his mother and grandmother allow them to commit this sin?

Do you have any insights to offer. Do you know anyone former members in Arleta, CA? Are there any intervention groups and if yes, do they work? (I'm not thinking of forcing her. If I had been in California when she called Sunday night sobbing, I believe she would've left. She is all alone. Are there former members that I could refer who to who would be willing to help her in a crunch? Something happened Sunday and will probably happen again.)

Do you know any former members in South Carolina who could talk with me? Any support groups?

Thank you for your support. Don't be surprised if my joins the group. Emotionally, she is where I was last week and I started posting.

Thank you.

48

Cousin's Runaway Girlfriend Living with us

by RunAwayDaughter in

jw
friends

my cousin's girlfriend moved from another state and is now living in our home.

they said she lived in a bad situation, but i don't believe them.

my cousin lies.

RunAwayDaughter

Here is the latest update:

She finally called me Sunday night to tell me she made an A in English. I could tell she was upset. I told her I was proud of her and if she were here, I would give her a great big hug. She started crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she missed us and asked if she could visit during her brother's Spring Break. Her oldest brother's birthday is April 1, so we talked about her coming home for his birthday and staying a couple of weeks. She also said she was finishing up her high school work and would graduate early. I invited her to come with us to Britain to see her grandmother, her two cousins and aunt (one cousin had her first baby yesterday - March 18 - and Ciara has been so excited about Becky's pregnancy). I told her we had rented a house next door to Becky and her aunt rented a house in Wales so the entire family can honor her father by spreading some of his ashes in the Welsh mountains and on the cricket field where he played. She said she would like that and would think about it. We discussed her coming home to visit March 25 and returning April 11. I sent her the information to her email address.

This morning, she sent "Is there any chance for us to fly out April 1st? I've made a commitment to Bryan & hs family on March 31st."

I wrote back that April 1 is her brother's birthday and I'm going to be with him. I asked her to call me so we could look at options together. (I couldn't believe she wanted me to fly to get her on brother's birthday after saying she wanted to be there for him.)

Long story short, she called me this afternoon - much happier. I told her that she Bryan and she said that his family is very "family oriented" and that they should understand her wanting to spend that Sunday with her brother and family. Also, her brother, who is learning disabled (complex II mitochondrial disease) is excited about her coming home for his birthday. He is only three months older they her and they grew up like twins.

I asked if the commitment was related to the JW church. She said yes. She said it was a special meeting that happens once a year and it was a really big deal. I asked if she attending JW meetings and she confirmed that she is studying to become a witness. (Finally, a grain of truth!) I stayed calm.

I asked if Bryan was a witness. She said yes. I asked wasn't he shunned. She said yes, but he was working to get "reinstated." I asked wasn't it against JW for them to be living together and having sex? Couldn't they both be shunned for that. She said yeah, but didn't address it and I didn't push it. She said she was going to send a link so I could learn more about JW - a publication with daily "devotionals." I told her to send it that I was open to learning more (I said that to keep the lines of communication open. No offense to anyone, but I'm happy being Methodist.)

We discussed the dates of the trip to come home. I explained that since she is becoming a JW, this would probably be her last trip home, so it was important that she stay two-three weeks. Also, this would be the last birthday she celebrated and she could always celebrate the annual event. She didn't argue the point - I think she knows that she will have to give up her family. (I think she was crying Sunday because her boyfriend and she got into an argument, not because she misses us. If she missed us, she would want to stand up for her family.)

I asked about the trip to Britain to celebrate the baby's birth, honor her father and celebrate their graduation. She said she was not going because she would rather walk the stage with Bryan's cousins. I said okay. She said that she would FaceTime me tonight to talk with her brothers and grandmother, who was in the hospital last night. And, to firm up the dates for the visit home. She never called. And, she never sent the link to the JW information.

She is getting sucked in to the cult. I'm in South Carolina and she is in Arleta, CA. Other than waiting for her to come to her senses, do you have any recommendations or guidance?

48

Cousin's Runaway Girlfriend Living with us

by RunAwayDaughter in

jw
friends

my cousin's girlfriend moved from another state and is now living in our home.

they said she lived in a bad situation, but i don't believe them.

my cousin lies.

RunAwayDaughter

Thank you again for everyone's comments. I actually got a good nights sleep last night. It is early in my therapy, so it has not helped me - yet - feel better. However, getting everyone's perspective has been like a much needed support group.
LoisLane mentioned that my daughter is being cruel. My mother, sister and friends would agree. At first I tried to figure out why (detested her life or hormonal love or loss of father or whatever). I've accepted that the what doesn't matter so much now because I can't fix the situation - just drop the rope.
I have talked with her friends, teachers, etc and all have said the same thing - that she was sweet, well-mannered, quiet, loved fashion, typical teenage girl stuff and everyone is shocked by her actions because it is out of character. However, I know she is headstrong. We butted heads many times because I did not let her do everything she wanted to do - most of it was about going to expensive concerts, buying makeup, eating out, lavish birthday parties, etc... None of us will ever have the same relationship we did with her, but I was expecting these relationships to change as she matured - I just didn't expect it change in literally minutes.
I'm sure she does feel like she has the upper hand because she knows I'm hurting. I have told her that I love her and accepted her decision to leave. I don't approve. So, I'm working on dropping the rope.
Regarding her graduation, I can't attend. Her brother and she were suppose to graduate together in June. I planned and paid for a surprise trip to the United Kingdom to visit with their grandmother, aunt and cousins and to spread their father's ashes in Wales where he grew up and played cricket. I can't cancel the airline tickets, AirBNB, etc. We will be in Wales while she is graduating in California with her boyfriend's two cousins. When I told her about the trip, she accused me of trying to bribe her to come home. I was simply telling her why I could not be at her graduation.
Even if I could afford to cancel the trip, I would not because I have to think about my son who is graduating. It would not be fair to him.
Regarding forgiveness, I forgave her the day she walked out - that doesn't mean that I approved. Since she left, I've uncovered so much information that caused me great concern. Again, I keep telling myself within the 24 hours - drop the rope.
Yes, adopted kids have to deal with loss at an early age - the loss of biological parents. We were in support groups with other adopted kids for years so that our kids were know that they were not alone. And, it was obvious they were adopted (my Welsh husband had red hair and beard, I'm Southern, two Asian children and one Pacific Island child - we stood out wherever we went.) And, yes there could mental illness in her family. With adoptions from China, you have no family background, so that is a really possibility - another reason why I was hoping she would attend the session with the psychologist this week.
While I'm far from being at peace, I feel so much better reading everyone's thoughts, concerns and advice. Thank you for being here for someone you don't know. Please pray for her safety and that her eyes will be open to the truth.

48

Cousin's Runaway Girlfriend Living with us

by RunAwayDaughter in

jw
friends

my cousin's girlfriend moved from another state and is now living in our home.

they said she lived in a bad situation, but i don't believe them.

my cousin lies.

RunAwayDaughter

Listener

Thank you! Yes, I am already in professional therapy and have my sons in therapy to deal with the loss of their father and now their sister.

Your words from your experience are comforting. Right now they are living in the house, but the mother is converting the detached garage into an "apartment" for them. My daughter told me that spend little with the family because they the family goes to JW almost every day and then she and her boyfriend stay "in their room." They only speak Spanish in the home, except the younger cousins, so my daughter really doesn't know what is being said. I believe you are right that he does not want to do anything to make her think badly of him. That is why he was hiding his guns at his uncle's house.

Thank you for your support.

48

Cousin's Runaway Girlfriend Living with us

by RunAwayDaughter in

jw
friends

my cousin's girlfriend moved from another state and is now living in our home.

they said she lived in a bad situation, but i don't believe them.

my cousin lies.

RunAwayDaughter

an hour agoan hour agoan hour ago

More confused than ever - Thank you for your post. I have notified the authorities both in my state an in Arleta. The Arleta police said that they could do a wellness visit, which they did. Otherwise, we have to wait. They can't do anything unless he hits her and she reports it or someone in the household reports it.

She said during one of our recent conversations that she wanted to talk with a psychologist. We had an appointment set up for this week via FaceTime and she was excited about talking with someone. Then, she decided not to participate.

I will be here for her when she needs me - whether it is to come home or not. I love her and always will. Thank you for your support and for caring enough to help a stranger.

48

Cousin's Runaway Girlfriend Living with us

by RunAwayDaughter in

jw
friends

my cousin's girlfriend moved from another state and is now living in our home.

they said she lived in a bad situation, but i don't believe them.

my cousin lies.

RunAwayDaughter

Thank you for your response.

Yes, the family she moved in with are practicing JW except her boyfriend and his grandfather.

You said that they've made up a lot of lies about you so how do you know if anything you've heard about his family and the goings on in their house is true? Everything I know is what his mother, my daughter and he told me. So, I've got no idea what is real or not. Since I don't understand JW, I'm trying to learn about it to see if what they are telling me is passes the "smell" test.

How do you know if this business of him owning guns and being violent is true? When they left, I researched who his mom was, called her and introduced myself. She confirmed that he had beat up his stepdad and was shunned for beating up another JW member. Regarding the guns, he told my son he owned five guns. While he was here, he purchase a gun and $900 worth of ammunition that he took back to CA with him. He made the purchase a few days before they left. Originally, he told me he purchased it to ship to CA.

Who told you that they were sleeping together? The mother. She said they are living with her and I have the address. My daughter told me there are 12 people living there. Here is a quote from the mother, "Understand that sexual desires in young people is stronger at this moment and they don't care about anything else and they don't understand that they are hurting us. I can not force her to leave but I will speak with her." The mother owns the house.

I am hysterical - but wow has this forum helped me today - and that is why I'm trying to educate myself. I can't force her to come home and trust me, I'm not going to California. She told me she was graduating June 13 if I wanted to come. Her brother and she were suppose to graduate together this year. I had already planned a surprise trip to Wales to spread their father's ashes (he was British) and to visit their grandmother, aunt and cousins in England. I told her that the family would be in the UK at that time and that I was proud she is going to graduate. Even if we were not going to Britain, I would not go to CA to see her graduate. They would be an indication that I approve of her decision to leave and move in with her boyfriend.

I agree with you, not graduating or going to college is her problem. We gave her the opportunity. When we adopted her brother (RMI) and her (China), we set up the prepaid college fund, so it would be covered totally. She told me that she was going to go to community college in CA and that Bryan is going to pay for it. My husband and I could not set up a fund for my youngest son, so I've transferred her plan to his name. If she returns and doesn't have a degree, she will have to figure out how she is going to pay for it.

I agree that it is a good thing that she is doing chores. If she had a job, she should pay rent, so at the very least she should help.

I am devastated (hysterical) and I'm working hard to get to a place of peace. I've accepted the fact that she is not coming home. I'm struggling with the fact that we were close and have gone from seeing her everyday to hearing her voice 1-2 times a week to now nothing. I've never been a helicopter parent, but I deeply love all three of my children. My husband and I could not have children. We adopted all three late in life and told them everyday that we loved them. They are special because their birth parents loved them enough to place them for adoption - as opposed to an abortion, buried alive, etc... They did not get everything they want and had learned to save their money to buy big (and small) ticket items. Over the last few months when I refused to buy her stuff, take out to an expensive restaurant, etc, the boyfriend would pay for it. His mother - who still manages his bills - told me she was upset because he an $8,000 American Express bill (On it, he bought a diamond ring, designer pocketbook, etc....)

You make a very good point that "it sounds as if she's got the upper hand here and has the idea that she's doing you some kind of favor by contacting you." Yes, because I've been like an abused dog wanting its abuser to toss it a bone. Ouch, you are right and I'm glad you pointed that out. I finally stopped crying when I read that. If a friend would've told me that, I would've bitten their head off. Coming from a stranger, it had an impact. I'm changing my tone going forward.

I've told her repeatedly that we love her and that we will always be here for her. Yes, the rules would be different if she ever comes home, but there is no need to tell her that at this point. If she comes back, she will have to go through cognitive behavioral therapy, get a job, pay rent, and have chores around the house. She will have to earn back our trust and respect.

Yes, i've had some big losses and am quite vulnerable. No more, these conversations today are helping me drop the rope. Thank you.

48

Cousin's Runaway Girlfriend Living with us

by RunAwayDaughter in

jw
friends

my cousin's girlfriend moved from another state and is now living in our home.

they said she lived in a bad situation, but i don't believe them.

my cousin lies.

RunAwayDaughter

Millie 210 -

Thank you for your response. I've never heard the saying "If you find yourself in a tug of war, lay down your end of the rope." I'm going to post it above the coffee pot so I read it every morning.

Yes, she is 18. I've told and texted that I love her and will always love. The door will always be open to her. She is adopted from China and is beautiful - inside and out.

She left without her passport, driver's permit, birth certificate, adoption papers, social security number. She asked me to send it to her. I calmly told her that both Brian and she said they planned the trip and had thought through everything. She would need to return home to get it (drive back). If she wants to come home for a visit (she said she was never returning to stay), I will fly out there and meet her at the airport and fly home with her.

She told me to "swallow my pride" and send it. I asked her to put herself in my shoes. If I send it to her, that means I'm condoning what she did. Also, I was afraid I would never see her again. (She did not deny that statement.)

I hope one day she will talk with me again. Since last week, I've continued to reach out to her via I-Phone text. All the messages are that I love her. I hope Bryan and she are well. I am here for her if she wants to talk or need me.

I've lost my husband, father and grandmother. This pain is greater than their their deaths combined. I can't stop crying and don't know why his mother is allowing this to happen. I know it will end, but I'm scared that it is going to end in physical violence. I can't tell my daughter that because it will push her further away. But, you are right, this is a parent's worst nightmare.

Receiving the posts from everyone on this site today has helped. Thank you.

48

Cousin's Runaway Girlfriend Living with us

by RunAwayDaughter in

jw
friends

my cousin's girlfriend moved from another state and is now living in our home.

they said she lived in a bad situation, but i don't believe them.

my cousin lies.

RunAwayDaughter

I owe everyone an apology. I apologize for the deception. I'm not JW. I don't know who to trust and I am terrified. I'm actually the mother of the girl who ran away - not the cousin of the boyfriend.

My daughter ran away with her boyfriend from the East coast to the West to move in with his mom, her husband, younger child, the grandparents, an aunt and four cousins. (twelve people living in the house) My daughter would've graduated in May, was accepted to several colleges, and her college was paid. She and the boyfriend told his family that she was a slave in our home, that I was a drunk, and that she had to get away. None of it is true. She didn't like my rules - do chores, get good grades, etc. and I know believe he convinced her that she had a miserable life. (EX: When I did not buy her a $300 pocketbook, he bought it for her.)

They left almost exactly a year to the date that my husband - her father - died. She woke me up on a school morning and announced that she was leaving right then. No opportunity for discussion, etc. She left her two brothers, who are both in high school, and grandmother. We've always been a very close family. We stayed in touch - some of the conversations were rocky. Last week we finally had a conversation that was like the daughter I knew. We talked an hour. Later, she FaceTimed her brothers and grandmother. It was normal, except she is thousands of miles away. Now, all of our calls, text messages, etc. have been blocked. She deleted her Facebook account and blocked us from her social media.

Now that she has totally blocked us, I'm concerned that she has entered an abusive situation. The boyfriend was shunned for beating up someone at the temple. (He has also beat up his stepfather and another person.) He owns five guns which he hides at his uncle's house so him mom and grandmother will not know. I'm concerned he is mentally and emotionally abusive (even though it is very subtle). He pushed for a quick commitment. He is excessively jealous, which I discussed with my daughter numerous times. (As soon as they got to CA, he bought her a new phone and set up the VM to go to his phone. She thinks she doesn't have VM, but she does because you can leave a message.) He is controlling - she is totally dependent on him. She has no money, no identification, etc. She only spends time with his family and him. And, he has isolated her from family and friends. I know that his mother is a strong JW, even though - according to him - she was shunned for have premarital sex with her current husband. When I reached out to her as they were driving across the country, she told me that she would not let them live together under her roof and that she would call me when they arrived so I would not worry.

She didn't call and they are living in her house. The sunroom/den is their bedroom. The mom is getting permits and paying to convert the garage into an apartment for them. This week I reached out to the mom and told her about not being able to reach my daughter - who lives with her. All I get is that she will try her best to get her to contact us. If she truly cared, she would do more. She said her son was a jewel and any girl that got him would be lucky. Also, they were adults and to be patient because my daughter would not forget us.

Easy for her to say. She is not living through this emotional hell. Also, she now has some additional free help in the home.

My daughter - who was complaining about chores at home - is now washing dishes by hand, grocery shopping, cooking, doing laundry and looking after the three year old brother of her boyfriend. I don't know if she will finish high school - she said she will graduate in CA in June - but I don't know if that is true. She is TOTALLY dependent on her boyfriend and family for EVERYTHING - from money to transportation. But that is okay because she is "in love" and has told us not to say anything bad about her boyfriend and family. (Yet, it is okay for him - and her - to trash her family.)

My fear is "What will happen when she realizes she made a mistake and wants to home?". He is so jealous and his mom just wants him to have whatever makes him happy. If my daughter wants to leave, I'm afraid he will hurt her. He owns five guns. I can see him killing her and then himself. Would the church elders be upset if they knew that the mom, grandmother, and aunt are condoning these two living together in the house? Would the JW ignore me since I'm not JW and since the boyfriend's family believe we are monsters? Any guidance/advise regarding how the JW works would be great. How can I make sure my daughter is safe? (What I really want is for the JW mom/grandmother to tell my daughter that she is not welcomed and to go home.)

Again, please forgive me for my earlier deception. I just didn't know what kind of response I would get. Heart-broken mom

48

Cousin's Runaway Girlfriend Living with us

by RunAwayDaughter in

jw
friends

my cousin's girlfriend moved from another state and is now living in our home.

they said she lived in a bad situation, but i don't believe them.

my cousin lies.

RunAwayDaughter

justfine, OneEyedJoe, and dubstepped - Thank you for your responses. I sent an email to each of you with additional questions because I need your help. Thank you