If you are reading this chain of messages for the first time and would like to know more, please go to:
Thank you.
RunAwayDaughter
JoinedPosts by RunAwayDaughter
-
19
Columbia, SC and Arleta, CA members - I need your help
by RunAwayDaughter inmy 18-year-old daughter in columbia, sc ran away to arleta, ca to move in with jw family.
they are living together with the mother's permission in her house along with 10 other family members.
she is surrounded by jws 24 hours a day, seven days a week.. is there anyone in the columbia area who would be willing to help me - maybe meet for a cup of coffee or facetime.
-
-
-
19
Columbia, SC and Arleta, CA members - I need your help
by RunAwayDaughter inmy 18-year-old daughter in columbia, sc ran away to arleta, ca to move in with jw family.
they are living together with the mother's permission in her house along with 10 other family members.
she is surrounded by jws 24 hours a day, seven days a week.. is there anyone in the columbia area who would be willing to help me - maybe meet for a cup of coffee or facetime.
-
-
RunAwayDaughter
Old Navy - Thank you for helping me to be understanding. I can't imagine what some of the folks on here have been through. Everyone on here has suffered the pain of loss. I was really thinking about leaving.
OTWO - Oh my gosh are we are on the same page. I'm not a perfect mom, but my husband and I have always emphasized education.
The moment she told me she was leaving I did plead with her to simply stay and finish high school. I plead with Bryan that he was 22 and had the experience of graduating with friends and family. She only had four months left. He should encourage her to stay and graduate.
After they got to California, I continued to beg her to come back and finish school. I told her there would be no judging or punishments. I told her that IF they had told me Brian lost his job before they left, I would've helped him until he found another one including staying with us.
I have told all three of my children that they are free to do what they want after they graduate from high school. If they want to go to college, great. If they want to join the military, great. If you want you work your way around the world, fantastic (this is what I wish I had done between high school and college or college and work). You can get married, whatever. My job is to prepare them to leave home. Once they leave, they can always come back. The door is NOT shut.
Regarding the college fund. She can go to college wherever she wants, but I can't afford just any place. I was never going to withhold the college funds if she returned and attended one of the four colleges she was accepted to. The college fund pays for the tuition for a state-supported school in South Carolina. It is a pre-paid tuition plan, so the actual tuition that would be paid is based on rates from 18 years ago.
The program allows you to transfer the funds to another child. If she doesn't attend one of those four colleges in SC, I'm going to transfer that money to my youngest son - who doesn't have a fund at all because the plan was eliminated by the time we adopted him. If she doesn't attend college here, that's okay. She will just have to figure out a way to pay for it. The same thing will be true for my son. If he doesn't attend a SC state support school, he will have to pay for it through scholarships, grants, work his way through, whatever.
Here is the good news: She said she is finishing high school in CA. I told her I was proud of her. I asked what her plans were after that and they are vague. She said attend community college (I love community colleges and technical schools - they have some of the best programs and the graduates make great money.) She wanted to major in computer science or packaging. (She is a gifted artist and very creative. Great with makeup and fashion.) Since she is in LA, I suggested that she explore all her options. Since she loves makeup, she might want to check into the school that offers training/degree in makeup because she was in the perfect location. She was raised that women should be financially independent, so education is important. It is so true, "Surely, the Jehovah's Witnesses want you to be self-supportive."
I appreciate what you said, "I get that many people miss these opportunities and NEVER get back on track. So I get your desperation. I wish we could convey that to you at the same time we try to convey that she is probably not in real danger. I wish we could tell you there is still a good hope she will finish high school and accept some scholarship offer. Reality tells us that it is probably not going to work out that way. Sorry if that sounds cold, just stating typical reality."
I've accepted that reality. It is incredible how I woke up this morning at peace.
Thanks for the guidance on the post. I did not know that I could link them.
-
19
Columbia, SC and Arleta, CA members - I need your help
by RunAwayDaughter inmy 18-year-old daughter in columbia, sc ran away to arleta, ca to move in with jw family.
they are living together with the mother's permission in her house along with 10 other family members.
she is surrounded by jws 24 hours a day, seven days a week.. is there anyone in the columbia area who would be willing to help me - maybe meet for a cup of coffee or facetime.
-
-
RunAwayDaughter
sir82 - Apology accepted. I wish I could take all three post and edit them into one story so it would not be so confusing to readers. I apologize for that and for snapping at you earlier. You were just trying to help.
Dubstepped - You are right. I did the "trick" in the beginning and should not have. I was scared. You are also right that I can or can't tell people what they can post in response to you. So far, I've found this place to be very supportive and the people wonderful.
Yes, I'm reeling, but I'm MUCH better since communicating with this group. Everyone has given me a lot of insights.
I'm looking for someone in the area from this list in Arleta in case she needs support. She has no one to turn to if she ever wants to leave JW or him.
Yes, I'm angry at him and his family for enabling what is considered sinful behavior; however, I'm not going to out them. That would be inappropriate. I wanted to better understand what would happen if someone found out. It sounds too much like what I've experienced - no communication with a loved one, etc - and I would not wish that on my worst enemy. it is simply too painful and cruel.
I did not withhold her identification from her. She didn't think through the plan to leave. If she had, identification would've been the first thing she packed. I never said she was kidnapped. She left of her own "free will." To quote freedomofmind.com, "Undue influence is any act of persuasion that overcomes the free will and judgment of another person. People can be unduly influence by deception, flattery, trickery.........." I truly don't know if she left of her own free will or not. All of this is totally out of character for her.
Yes, I'm sure there is more to this story - there isn't just two sides to a story. There are several. Plus, the truth is based on a person's perception. That perception is based on each person's unique experiences. I'm telling my side of the story to learn how to handle the latest news tthat she is studying to be a Witness.
My big lesson as been "let go of the rope." I'm letting go. Please look at it through my lenses: She was going to leave the nest this year in June. The entire family was preparing for that day and the future. Then, she wakes me up, tells us she is leaving and then she is gone. It didn't just impact me. I've watching how it is impacting my mother and two sons. Her brothers who also lost their dad last year. Now, they've "lost" their sister. She was close to them.
I apologize if you considered my language was "loaded" - I was (and still am) in pain. I don't mind constructive feedback/specific questions to gather a better understanding. I'm still processing everything.
Regarding the insinuation that there is a lot of drama in my home, it was rather boring until now. I believe the "why" is part depressed teenager from losses, part rebellion teenager, and part teenager easily influenced. If having family rules and values is considered "controlling" them, then I'm guilty.
I agree that the only thing I can TOTALLY control is my emotions. And I sooooo appreciate this group helping to calm me down.
-
14
18-Year Old Daughter Moves in with Boyfriend and studying to become a witness
by RunAwayDaughter inmy 18-year-old-daughter, who has not finished high school, left south carolina on january 31 with her 22-year old boyfriend to move in with his family in california.
they are jehovah witness.
daughter: i love you too.
-
-
RunAwayDaughter
Phoebe - I love your response about the documents. I've had several people tell me to send them to her and I appreciate the reasons why. But those documents are the insurance that she has to come home at some point.
-
48
Cousin's Runaway Girlfriend Living with us
by RunAwayDaughter inmy cousin's girlfriend moved from another state and is now living in our home.
they said she lived in a bad situation, but i don't believe them.
my cousin lies.
-
-
RunAwayDaughter
Thank you Giordano - I would never shun her. She is my daughter.
It was not personality clashes as much as teenager rebellion. She might be 18, but emotionally, she is younger.
Here is what I think the bottom-line issue is:
1 - She thinks she is in love (and maybe she is and it will last a life time.)
2 - She is also depressed. She has not dealt with the loss of her father and it is around this age that adopted children experience loss for birth parents.
3 - Before they left, he had begun to separate her from friends and was creating division. He is very jealous. She told one male friend that she could no longer talk with him because Bryan told her she could not talk with him.
4 - He lied to me. I'd rather have someone steal from me than to lie. Trust is a hard thing to rebuild.
I do believe in God and I have Pray Warriors praying to open Ciara's eyes. That doesn't mean bring her back to South Carolina. It means to simply open her eyes to truth around her.
I have people praying to give me strength and to help me turn this over completely to God. I believe He helped me find this group because the diverse opinions, backgrounds, and experiences have helped.
Now, I must continue to educate myself, try to keep communications open with her - which includes not contacting her and waiting for her, and praying.
-
19
Columbia, SC and Arleta, CA members - I need your help
by RunAwayDaughter inmy 18-year-old daughter in columbia, sc ran away to arleta, ca to move in with jw family.
they are living together with the mother's permission in her house along with 10 other family members.
she is surrounded by jws 24 hours a day, seven days a week.. is there anyone in the columbia area who would be willing to help me - maybe meet for a cup of coffee or facetime.
-
-
RunAwayDaughter
OnTheWay Out -
Thank you for your response. Right now I'm trying to learn the best approach and trying to learn about JW.
If I turned her in, it would be the very last step. I hope you read my early posts about this situation. His mother told me she would not let them live under her roof and she is letting them. He owns guns. I've been the gun range with him and he taught both my daughter, youngest son and me how to shoot. He told me he was shunned for beating up a JW brother that made him angry.
My initial concern was that my daughter left home with a 22 year old. She had only four months left until she finished high school. Was accepted to four colleges and had her tuition paid for at all of them. (He got upset every time she got a college acceptance letter.)
I welcomed him into my home. Trusted him....and her. Considered him to be honest. Took him on the family vacation - a cruise. My daughter wanted him to have a special Christmas since it was his first one, so we made it extra special. Took him to our annual Halloween party, etc....
I was upset when they left because they woke me up on a school morning and announced they were leaving right then - no discussion. Would not talk about why. My initial concern was for her future plus I did not approve of them "moving in together." After they left, I uncovered lie, after lie, after lie. So, then my concern became that she was being emotional and mentally abused or manipulated. On Monday, I found out about her studying to become a Witness, so now I'm trying to wrap my head around it all.
As one person recommended, just "drop the rope" and don't get into a tug of war with her. I've dropped the rope, but that doesn't mean that I'm not exploring all options and educating myself.
Currently:
I've told her that I've accepted that she wants to live in California.
We are here for her if she ever wants to come home for a visit or to stay.
Sunday night she called wanting to come home for a visit. She was sobbing. (all that is explained in a previous post). The next day, she doesn't want to come home and that is when she tells me about becoming a Witness. So now, I'm trying to "support" her decision by learning about it. That includes understanding the dos, the don'ts, what is shunning, - how JWs think.
Another member on here recommended that I post a request to see anyone on here was in Columbia, SC or Arleta for support. Currently, I don't plan to out him or her or his mom for letting them stay there.
Based on what he told me, there seems to be a lot of "drama" in his home. They might be outted not by me, but someone in his family and/or community.
-
19
Columbia, SC and Arleta, CA members - I need your help
by RunAwayDaughter inmy 18-year-old daughter in columbia, sc ran away to arleta, ca to move in with jw family.
they are living together with the mother's permission in her house along with 10 other family members.
she is surrounded by jws 24 hours a day, seven days a week.. is there anyone in the columbia area who would be willing to help me - maybe meet for a cup of coffee or facetime.
-
-
RunAwayDaughter
To sir82: I have only one daughter. She is the only one family member who has done that. Not several. We have suffered a lot a loss - Her father died last year.
Your posted message sounded rather judgmental. I'm here seeking help and support and am trying to learn to better understand what she is going through 3,000 miles away. I trying to understand what JW is about so I can help her. Please don't post anything else if your aim is to make me feel worse than I already do.
-
48
Cousin's Runaway Girlfriend Living with us
by RunAwayDaughter inmy cousin's girlfriend moved from another state and is now living in our home.
they said she lived in a bad situation, but i don't believe them.
my cousin lies.
-
-
RunAwayDaughter
Exposing them would be my LAST option.
I wish some nosey sister or brother would tell the elders so it would not come from her family.
-
19
Columbia, SC and Arleta, CA members - I need your help
by RunAwayDaughter inmy 18-year-old daughter in columbia, sc ran away to arleta, ca to move in with jw family.
they are living together with the mother's permission in her house along with 10 other family members.
she is surrounded by jws 24 hours a day, seven days a week.. is there anyone in the columbia area who would be willing to help me - maybe meet for a cup of coffee or facetime.
-
-
RunAwayDaughter
The girl next door -
Thank you for your advice. Please read my previous two posts. They go into much greater detail about the boyfriend and the entire situation. It isn't as simple as the post I wrote to find members in Columbia and LA.
-
48
Cousin's Runaway Girlfriend Living with us
by RunAwayDaughter inmy cousin's girlfriend moved from another state and is now living in our home.
they said she lived in a bad situation, but i don't believe them.
my cousin lies.
-
-
RunAwayDaughter
She is not going to give me the name and phone number of her Bible Teacher. It took two months for her to admit that she was studying to become a JW.
I've stalked social media trying to find the name of their congregation and can't. Do congregations vary in how strict they follow the religion? Are some more forgiving than others?
I know the names of his mother and two aunts who are active members. And, the names of a couple of the children who live in the house where Brian and my daughter are shacking up.