Posts by Freeandclear

20

UPDATE: My existential crisis comes to a close

by Freeandclear in

jw
friends

in case you read my other thread regarding my existential crisis and how it was making my life miserable and left me feeling hopeless, purposeless and joyless i though i'd share what's recently happened to me and my way of thinking and have i've for the time being resolved my existential crisis.

i write every day in a journal.

i've been doing this for years.

Freeandclear

Hello again all of you. In case you read my other thread regarding my existential crisis and how it was making my life miserable and left me feeling hopeless, purposeless and joyless I though I'd share what's recently happened to me and my way of thinking and how I've for the time being resolved my existential crisis.

I write every day in a journal. I've been doing this for years. I'm an introspective type and I'd rather write my thoughts down to get them out than to try and discuss all this stuff with another person..... So what follows is a direct quote from my journal from a few days ago, hope you enjoy it and I sincerely hope it helps someone else. Also, thanks to all of you who gave me advice in the other thread.

And now...... existential crisis resolved.

So the other night -- "I went to bed and I did something I haven't done in a long time. I prayed. I basically said that I need god. I'm tired of being mad at him or blaming him. And it's true, I do need God in my life. Not in the JW way or any other religion's way but in my own way. And honestly I really feel that in order for me to continue on with life I have to find a way to include the idea of god. Why? Because to my mind without something greater than myself there is no hope, no point to any of this. The best I can think of for now is this: I don't have all the big answers, no one does, they are in fact unknowable, thus those answers must not be meant for us at this time. In other words, it doesn't belong to me to know the answers. All I can do is look around me and enjoy the beauty that life has to offer and go on day by day trusting that something greater exists and that someday I will have the answers. I mean when I die either that's it and it's over and I won't even know it anyway (and if I exclude the idea of God then I miss out on the wonder and beauty of this one life) or something does happen and then I will know at least that one answer: what happens after I die? Also, it felt very good to pray. I cried. I felt comforted. I felt heard. I don't know if any of that is just a figment of my imagination or a process unique to the human mind or what but it's something. I got some peace from my existential crisis and some small amount of hope. I can't focus on THEN, if I do that I'm simply doing the same thing I was conditioned to do as a JW, I must live for the now, and appreciate the time I have here now. Life is short and it's flying by, it will all be over before I know it, so why not enjoy the ride. Take pleasure in the simple things. A warm beautiful day, walking and talking with someone I care about or find interesting, being kind to others, petting an animal, seeing the fish in the ocean, watching the sunset, breathing in the sea air, etc.... there are a million things to enjoy and to love and take pleasure in all without hurting anyone else. And if I include the idea of God then I also have someone to talk to and to thank and to rely upon and to give me hope for something after, something better, greater, or at least something. So that's what I'VE decided to believe. To exclude him would be suicide for me. I know this. It's too much a part of who I am as a human. Maybe it's all bunk, but the alternative is worse, much much worse....no hope, despair and misery. So therefore He's in. :) And I'm happier for it. I will keep my eye out for his answers and his voice and I will try and let him lead me, even if it is just my own mind or consciousness influencing the universe and electrons around me, whatever it is it FEELS real thus for me it is real. End of story really. Glad that is taken care of to be honest. I have been dying inside over this quandary and I'm now okay and much more at peace with everything. Just like that."

28

Need some help: Existential crisis in full swing

by Freeandclear in

jw
friends

so is anyone else having an existential crisis after becoming fully awake?

let me explain.

about 2 years ago i read coc, still believed and tried to get back in da troof.

Freeandclear

Thanks everyone for your replies, much appreciated.

It's been a few days since this post started and I wanted to update some.

I decided to quit drinking. I have pain in my right side for a while now which is not a good sign, most likely fatty liver or inflammed liver due to heavy sustained alcohol consumption. Hopefully it will subside in a few weeks.

On another note, I get what most of you are saying. I've been doing a lot of reading on absurdism, nihilism and existentialism and all of these basically say the same things that most of you are saying: we exist, there are no rules, make your own rules and purpose to life, do no harm, etc.....

My problem with all of this is simply this: what does any of it matter in the end? One day we will all be gone. No one will remember any thing about us, given enough time. If I hurt someone today yes it hurts them for now, maybe even for the rest of their short life but in the end what does it matter at all? It simply does not.

Think about this; humanity in general. We are just an animal that happens to have self-awareness. We know we exist and we know that we will die. All we do as humans is "distract" ourselves. We grow up, we seek a career, we fall in love, we get hobbies, we raise our children, etc.... all of these distract us from the big looming reality over us all that one day we will no longer exist and that nothing we did/said/though will be remembered or matter.

How many humans that have ever existed do we still remember today? Sure there are a few, but a very very few, and given enough time even the memory of those few will be snuffed out. So what? Even if we remember the words of Aristotle or whomever else forever what does it matter to the dead Aristotle? It doesn't because he no longer exists. And further more, even if it did, he was one many among billions.

I'll be honest, I'm not handling this very well at all. I find no joy in anything right now, I see no point in going on and no end in sight. The only end is the one end I'm stressing over right now and IDK it's all just so pointless. I'm making myself sick even talking about all of it, but it's there underneath all my thoughts every day. I see no joy in life and even if I did, deep down there is still death coming.

28

Need some help: Existential crisis in full swing

by Freeandclear in

jw
friends

so is anyone else having an existential crisis after becoming fully awake?

let me explain.

about 2 years ago i read coc, still believed and tried to get back in da troof.

Freeandclear

So is anyone else having an existential crisis after becoming fully awake? I sure am.

Let me explain. About 2 years ago I read CoC, still believed and tried to get back in da troof. Got DF'd instead and then found jwfacts and that really made me see reality. That was about a year and a half ago now. Since that time I've been reading here regularly and also elsewhere and in my own reasonings have come to conclude that 1. there is no god at all, or 2. if there is a god he/she/it does not care at all about us or how we worship. I am mainly leaning about 90% towards 1. I really don't think a creator or god exists at all.

Since this realization I have been having an existential crisis. I went from having a purpose and meaning in life and a very bright future to the stark reality that nothing I do matters in the end. Nothing is coming but worm food. The end. Lights out. Forever. Granted no one, NO ONE knows for sure what may be the true reality or what might happen after we depart but damn it sure seems to me like the answer is nothing.

So with this new found belief I have come to the conclusion that the best thing I can do is enjoy every day and to treat others as well as I can without compromising my own happiness, and I really do try to do this.

I see god and religion now in a new light; to me it's nothing more than a feeble attempt by ALL humans to dispell their own existential crisis. After all if you truly believe as I do I think most if not all humans will feel this same way. I mean, if this life is all we have and nothing follows and in the end nothing you do/say/think matters and is eventually forgotten (and it will be given enough time) then what the hell is the point of living at all? Just to enjoy some brief moments of happiness while the vast majority of life is full of pain? I don't know how much longer I can go on. Everyone involved in religion has a purpose. They are all fighting for something and have a deep belief in it. I totally get it. And I was very much there once myself. I was always fighting to be good enough for the Paradise, it was shit but at least it was something, some hope to cling to, that one day, one day I would truly be happy, etc.....

I'm NOT throwing a pity party for myself here, that is absolutely not the intent of this post. I am reaching out to you all, and especially those who have come through this phase of awakening successfully and have found a way to deal with it and to be happy.

Currently I'm dealing with it in the worst way possible. I drink. Every single night for the past two years more or less I've been drinking heavily. I'm really not trying to sound like a "told ya so" story..... ie. leave Jehovah and end up a miserable drunk. It's not Jehovah, or the JW religion that's done this to me, it's my own inability to find meaning in life now that ALL religion and all idea of God is gone from my consciousness. I am miserable all day at work. I come home and I'm miserable there too. I'm with friends and family and for a while I might forget the misery but deep down....still miserable. The only time I'm anything close to happy is when I'm drinking. Instant happiness for a while. Or having sex.....that makes anyone happy. But these things are not a healthy way to be happy because they are harmful (liver damage/unwanted pregnancy/stds/emotional distress) and fleeting. For now however it's all I've got and I'm making the most of it. But I don't want to live out my remaining years like this. I want to find real happiness and meaning in my life and I just can't seem to figure this out.

So if anyone of you has any helpful experiences of your own or advice please please share those with me. I really need help before I damage myself in some what that's irreparable.

Sincerely and with thanks.

12

The bigger picture

by Freeandclear in

jw
friends

i've been awake now for a good while.

about a year.

in that year i've done a lot of soul searching and thinking about god and religion etc.... as i'm sure most all of us have who've left this cult.

Freeandclear

I've been awake now for a good while. About a year. In that year I've done a lot of soul searching and thinking about God and religion etc.... as I'm sure most all of us have who've left this cult. Of course I check in here and have been quite frequently. Reading posts on here has really helped me and it's so great to know I'm by no means alone in the feelings and experiences I've had. We are all in the same boat. We all went from having literally ALL the answers and all the hope in the world to having nothing. No answers, no hope for our "eternal future", etc.... This can of course cause a lot of heartache, depression, mental confusion, etc....

The question really comes down to God. Does he exist? This was always my fundamental approach when talking to someone at the door. First, do they believe in God, next do they believe in the Bible, then from there we could discuss doctrine etc.... So for me it has been the same. Do I believe in God? That was the question.

Of course I wanted to believe in God. I wanted to believe that this life here on Earth is not all there is, and that there is something more out there after. But in the past year my thinking has slowly changed. I started to ask myself: Why do I want there to be something more? And the startling answer comes back to this; when we are unhappy or unwilling/unable to change something bad about our lives NOW we as humans tend to look to the future. Happiness is never a NOW thing, it's an "IF" thing. As in, IF I have lots of friends/money/free time/new TV/new car or whatever you think will make you happy....THEN I will be happy. This kind of thinking is rampant in life today, and most likely has been for all of human history. We are always striving as humans for more, for better, for an easier life. But the fact is we can not find happiness in the future, happiness is not a THING to be found. It's a condition of the mind. A naturally occurring state of being that comes when we are at peace with ourselves, and especially when we feel secure.

When one does not feel secure and at peace happiness can seem very far away. As we all know, this life with it's typical worries and with our declining health as we age naturally brings us into a state of worry and insecurity and thus we start looking to a "future better time". This makes us all look for God, or as I like to refer to "him": the ultimate panacea. The ultimate cure for all our unhappiness.

Recently I had a new realization. In order to have true peace and true happiness we need to have the facts and not be in some delusional state of mind about reality. And for us, there is only one reality. We all live now, and we will all die. That is truth. No one who has ever lived can deny that fact. So I started thinking hard about this and it was a funny and startling realization that Yes, I too will one day die. And not too far off either..... time goes by very fast. I'm 44, and each week now seems to feel like just a day or two, months now feel like weeks did back when I was in my 20's and 30's. A year....feels like just a few months. Most humans with good health make it to about 75 or so, so I've got about 30 years left. 30 years ago I was 14 and I remember exactly what I was like and how my life was then, and it doesn't feel very long ago at all, as I'm sure all of you can relate to.

So how will I spend my remaining 30 years? Honestly, awake, and appreciative of the life I have NOW. No human can know if god really exists at all. No human can truly know if anything happens after death, or if it is really just the end. No one has ever known these answers.

We as humans are simply animals with big brains that happen to be aware of the fact that we will die. Other animals do not know this, or are not consciously aware of this fact. Sure all animals have a life instinct to keep living, they eat, the flee from danger etc....but we as humans are apparently the only ones who can see in our minds into the future and know that our eventual deaths await us, and thus we as a species have created the idea of "God", something/someone higher than us who has all the answers (that we don't have) and who will "save" us from death. From an evolutionary perspective this is a very easy thing to understand. We NEEDED this idea to keep us all from just giving up. After all, this realization can be absolutely crippling. I know it has been for me at times, and my "spiritual side" still wants to desperately cling to the idea that "Maybe!" something does happen after death.

As time has gone on I have gradually become more at peace with this idea, that god does not exist and that this life is all there is and that I will one day cease to exist. It has helped me to appreciate each day for what it is and to not be so concerned about the future, but has helped me be more in the now, more in the moment. Am I happier? Well again, happiness is a state of mind imo and I will say that yes, I am happier. The old JW fantasy was a great one. The ultimate fantasy in fact. Living forever in perfect health and youth surrounded by loved ones for all time in peace and security. But that is not reality. Reality is each day that we wake up and face our day. We can chose to live in a dream world of fantasy or we can live with the full knowledge that life is short and we have to make the most of each day.

It still a good thing for me to check in here from time to time, and I can empathize with all of you, my real brothers and sisters, and it's nice to be able to share my own thoughts now and then, and to try and help others and offer my own insights but I can see that need lessening as I grow and move farther away from the mind control of this cult. Eventually I won't even need to come here and it will no longer be a thought in my mind. I'm growing, and for that I'm grateful.

My only wish is that we could all, as a species, wake up. Not just us as former JW's have woken up to the fact that JW is a cult, but to the bigger picture that ALL religion is a cult, all religion is a delusion and worthless for us as a species. If we could all wake up to the fact that this life is what matters, that there is no God out there to save us, then maybe we could all put aside our prejudices and our hatred and make this world a better place. So much evil and so many atrocities have occurred because of the idea of God (and my God is the real God!). It's ruining our world, and it has from the beginning of human history. I think killing off the idea of God and waking up to "reality" will be the first step needed for all of us if we are going to continue on as a species on this planet.

We as humans are very powerful beings. We can and literally are ruining our planet, in more ways that I care to discuss at this time. And most of it stems from the one idea of God.

That to me is the bigger picture. God does not exist. We must save ourselves.

16

Running ahead of Jehovah can be done with a slow walk.

by donny in

a few days ago i read a post of someone who has recently awakened to what the watchtower bible and tract society really is.

in their comments, they stated that they had been accused of "running ahead of jehovah.".

"running ahead of jehovah" was a statement levied at me many times during my convoluted journey through that organization.

Freeandclear

It's a cult. :)

57

You wear tight pants and you will be in trouble

by wannaexit in

jw
friends

i was reading in another forum, that a letter to the elders instructed them to speak to anybody who persists in wearing tight pants.

if changes don't happen then the instructions are to disqualify him from being a publisher but it won't be announced to the congregation.

i am am curious to see if this letter will surface.

Freeandclear

Just another rule from the Modern Day Pharisees...

13

1st Year not attending RC

by BeautifulMind in

jw
friends

i feel relieved to spend that time doing anything else but sitting in a stadium for 8 hours with only an hour break listening to the same talks i've been hearing since i was a child.

not to mention trying to keep my young boys quiet so i wouldnt get the evil looks in my section😂😂.

lot of walking was going on for us to try and tire them out.

Freeandclear

I remember my last "convention" or whatever they call them nowadays. It was a one day thing, Circuit assembly??? Anyway, I hadn't been going for a good while due to guilt and just living my life, decided to get back in da troof and went. It was good for a bit, then I was falling asleep. Got up walked around, no one but my closest friends was talking to me because of my past I assume....marked? I had bought a new suit and shirt and felt uncomfortable as hell...you know how it is..... When the end finally came I was so happy. Went out to dinner with some friends afterwards (the best part of these days right?) After that I got DF'd and to be honest, it was the best thing that could have happened to me because once DF'd I felt free to really start doing some research and what I found freed me from the slavery to the WTS. Thank you JWfacts.com

Now when it's a Sunday like today I love the freedom of it. When I drive by the old Hall I just think to myself how glad I am not to be a part of it anymore. Yes I miss my friends but the relief of not having to go and feel guilty and no longer to follow all the silly rules (hey, I look so much better with a beard anyway! who knew?) is just incredible.

63

You know, I've yet to meet a JW who can explain this

by Lady Zombie in

i know that has probably been covered ad infinitum on jwd.

so...... if jehovah is omnipotent, then there is nothing he can't do and nothing he doesn't know.. and, according to jws (as well as most other religions), god is love.

therefore he had to have known, even before creating all of creation, what would happen.

Freeandclear

The more I read and look for answers the more I am convinced that none exist. This leads me to one seemingly logical conclusion: there is no God. We are here alone and when we die it's over.

27

Hi everyone!

by cognac in

jw
friends

was just listening to a song that made me think of the jws so thought i'd say hi and see how everyone is.

i'm doing ok. kids are fine.

i'm good, making tons of friends, very successful in my career, bla bla bla.

Freeandclear

Great song! I was blown away the first time I heard it and continue to be so. I'm doing well. No JW issues other than the typical existential crisis we are all going through as humans. On a lighter note, I've stopped drinking and feel good about that change. My mind is getting clearer every day and my liver no longer aches lol I'm taking out a new girl this Saturday night so fingers crossed.

46

45 Minute Bethel Video about Changes (downsizing) at Watchtower

by OnTheWayOut in

i don't see this posted elsewhere, and i don't have the links besides this facebook one.. but here is a 45-minute long bethel talk about the changes at bethel including addressing the hard feelings of people who were given the axe.

basically, everything must change.

we gave remaining bethelites saturday off to do our bidding in "the field" and we give bethelites over 70 an extra day a week off (if you can find any such bethelites).

Freeandclear

Absolutely disgusting. I'm so glad I'm awake now and done with this fucking cult...... True Christian love in action..... what a joke.