ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD (A brief memoir)
When I lived in Los Angeles, I was an art consultant with Creative Galleries. Among other things, we sold and rented art to movie studios.
I worked with the set decorators who picked out whatever was needed. We became friends.
Two of the decorators divulged a little business they had going on "the side."
The two guys worked for MGM on the TV show CHiPS. Joe and Mel set up a business as a kind of 'broker." They would buy the art from us and sell it to themselves. Then, they would pretend to rent it from their "front" company. After the art was used for the scenes they needed it for---they would return the 'rented' art to their front company.
They did this not only with art but just about everything else.
They paid themselves and kept everything.
On my birthday, Joe arranged for me to be picked up by a long stretch limousine and chauffeured to MGM to watch an episode of CHiPS being filmed.
Joe provided me with a V.I.P. pass.
I was wearing a suit. I had my hands behind my back with my eyebrows arched and an insolent Elvis sneer on my lips. I stared at the A.D. and looked straight through her. She went up to all the non-essential personnel and barked at them. Finally, she headed my way.
I feigned boredom and malevolence, but--I'll tell you straight out--my widdle heart was pounding away like a blacksmith with a hot hammer!
The A.D. eyeballed me like a wolverine sniffs fresh meat, but she never said a word and passed me by within a comfortable zone of deference. I WAS IN!!
The guest Director that week was John Astin (Gomez) of Adaams Family fame. It was a Halloween episode being filmed in January!! One of the guest stars was Cassandra Peterson (Elvira Mistress of the Dark) and the sound stage was filled with the weirdest assortment of actors and supernumeraries you could imagine! I don't know what any of that had to do with California Hiway Patrol!
The A.D. blew her whistle like a volleyball coach and deathly silence reigned supreme. I prayed I wasn't standing in the wrong spot. John Astin nodded and the whistle blew again. It must have been the signal for "ACTION!"
The sound stage came alive with noise, movement, and a tiny Indian Runner motorcycle ridden by a "little person" in a CHiPS uniform. My eyes were as big as UFO's.
That was among my favorite all-time memories. It was a wonderful birthday present.
I was invited by Set Decorator Joe Kroesser one other time.
It was in Agoura. This is where Joe himself lived. He told me Agoura was very flat and sprawling, so it had been used a lot in Westerns in the past. Among the TV shows shot there had been a favorite of mine as a kid, SKY KING.
On this day, a small airport was the scene.
Evil Knievel JR. was going to do a wild stunt by jumping over a WWI biplane (flown by legendary stunt flyer, Frank Tallman) on his motorcycle.
There had to have been at least 200 people standing around waiting to shoot this scene. Why weren't they shooting already?
Joe told me.
Eric Estrada was holding production up! He had a really big ego by this time. He acted like King of the World. All because of Saturday Night Fever's popularity.
The show's writers saw the extraordinary interest in Disco becoming a national sensation. So, they wrote a silly episode around Estrada in a similar disco dance routine as had made John Travolta a superstar.
It worked like dynamite!
Overnight, Eric Estrada was launched as the superstar and the CHiPS budget was quadrupled!
Since Estrada knew he was responsible for all that money being thrown at the production, he took full advantage.
On this particular day, about 45 minutes late, a limousine pulled up in the muddy ruts of the airfield. While hundreds of crew members stood with their jaws agape, Estrada and a very, very Bimboesque (worse for wear) blonde stumbled out as "Ponch" marched her in front of all the men's envious eyes. She was wearing high heels in the grass and mud and each time she pulled her heel unstuck she would--um--bounce a little. (Or a lot!)
Finally, make-up ran over and seized Ponch and dragged him into a trailer. About half an hour later, he emerged looking exactly the same--but--in uniform.
The biplane's engines roared to a start. Evel Junior revved his engine on the motorbike. A practice run-through was commenced. The timing and coordination were choreographed to the half-second! Every single element was planned out for the jump to work. The cycle had to hit the ramp at the precise instant to gain altitude enough to clear the overshoot. The cycle would go over the top of the biplane exactly as it crossed low enough to the ground to allow it to pass.
Let me cut to the chase!
The signal to begin was a loud starter pistol. At the "Bang!" the clockwork stunt commenced, worked the miracle and ended before you could say, "Bob's yer Uncle."
Estrada had a single line on camera. Then, he and his bimboette paraded once again back to their limo and zipped off to--each of us had our own imagined destination in mind.
When I watched the scene play out on TV some years later, it looked like nothing. In fact, it looked easily as though it could be faked. But--it wasn't!
A fortune was spent on all that nonsense.
From 1977-83 Joe made a great living with his double-dealing "props for sale" side business. It was great fun knowing him.
He invited me to his house once. It was quite lavish. He was a lonely divorced man living alone in a sprawling ranch house. He threw parties and invited attractive women. He tried to live the Hollywood life and trade on his "fame."
Well, it didn't seem to do him much good with the ladies.
We all know what happened to Estrada when his stardom turned to cow plop.
He became a self-joke. He'd pop up in TV commercials as a parody of his CHiPS character. He was about 50 pounds heavier.