Posts by EdenOne

91

Setback

by EdenOne in

i saw this coming since my mother-in-law's funeral .... the congregation's "love-bombing" over my wife had its impact.

i watched her drawing closer and closer to her friends in the congregation.

then she decided she would attend the memorial.

EdenOne

Alive! Welcome to this forum, btw, and thank you.

And my heartfelt thank you for everyone who posted, your input is very important. I'm also ecouraged to see that my experience is motivating some readers to step up and sign up. Thank you.

Eden

91

Setback

by EdenOne in

i saw this coming since my mother-in-law's funeral .... the congregation's "love-bombing" over my wife had its impact.

i watched her drawing closer and closer to her friends in the congregation.

then she decided she would attend the memorial.

JimmyPage, I get your point of view, but knowing my wife, any opposition, or giving her a hard time, or a cold shoulder only reinforces her determination to seek solace within the cult. Sure, it would rub on her insecurities, but then the risk is to endanger her mental health, and that I don't wish not even to my worst foe.

Eden

91

Setback

by EdenOne in

i saw this coming since my mother-in-law's funeral .... the congregation's "love-bombing" over my wife had its impact.

i watched her drawing closer and closer to her friends in the congregation.

then she decided she would attend the memorial.

EdenOne

OneEyedJoe: If you're cold her choice is between a superficially warm cult and a cold husband and that's an easy choice.

This is one excellent point. I need to work on overcoming my depressive mood and bitterness and get back on track to my music composing and to make new friends. A bit hard for me, because deep inside, I'm a bit of an introvert, but it's doable.

Eden

91

Setback

by EdenOne in

i saw this coming since my mother-in-law's funeral .... the congregation's "love-bombing" over my wife had its impact.

i watched her drawing closer and closer to her friends in the congregation.

then she decided she would attend the memorial.

EdenOne

Steve2, for what is worth our marriage spans over two decades already, and we were typical JW, married our first boyfriend/girlfriend. My wife always more entrenched than I ever was (RP for many years) but I did just enough to go up the ladder up to the point I was an elder doing relevant parts in CCs. There was always something I couldn't put my finger on that didn't resonate with me, but naturally, the guilt of displeasing Jehovah and the fear of Armageddon haunted me. Plus, I was entirely convinced we had "the truth" or very close to that. Although my wife constantly pushed me to take the lead and do more, I always took my own pace and never was in the mood to kiss a** to progress. We were popular in our congregation and always kept a youthful mood that attracted both young and old. And my wife has a smile and laugh to die for :)

We have been a good match, we were lucky, I guess. Then the mental health of my wife had a major issue as she began to deal with severe bipolar disorder, and I became her caretaker. For nearly eight years we went through hell with suicide attempts, confinements to mental hospitals etc. I've put up with a lot of crappy times and stood right there with her and helped her see through until she has reached stability. We accomodated to a slower-paced JW lifestyle, I quit being an Elder and went to be an MS, and things were in a gentle pace. Until I began to investigate TTATT. She felt something was wrong with me because I started to be critical of the Organization here and there, not nodding to everything said from the platform, until one day she picked up an article I had writted about some doctrine and took it to the Elders. I had told her that she had a choice before her, and to chose carefully. She chose to take it to the elders on my back, in hopes that she was "saving me". Perhaps, but she also did it because she was spiteful that our child quit going to the meetings and blamed me for being the evil apostate that did it. She even told me that if there was a burning hell, I surely deserved to be sent there.

This led me to a trialing time with the elders, and a veritable whitch hunt. All through the process my wife could see that I was being treated unfairly by the elders, and she felt for the first time what is it to not have freedom of thought and freedom of expression within the congregation. It came to a head when, one insomiac night, she found out online material about the child abuse scandals and Barbara Anderson's website. Overnight, she told me that she decided to stop going to the meetings and no longer wanted to be a Jehovah's Witness. I felt overjoyed. Naturally, her decision caused havoc on her side of the family and the elders decided it was time to form a JC on grounds of apostasy. I started a cold war on social media, letting the congregation members know that I was going to be trialed on a JC and, and hinting what the reason was. The pressure I put on and the fierce defense I put up on the JC (I managed to force the COBE, who was leading the witch hunt to stay out of my JC) and I ended up being only "publicly reproached". From then on, I stopped attending meetings, so did my wife, who, by then, took my side and supported me through and through. When we stopped going to meetings we both felt the atrocious shadow of shunning haunting us.

However, things between us were better than ever. We were both experiencing a feeling of liberation and freedom that was full of promise for the future. We drew plans for what to do when we were successfully fading, we discussed openly TTATT, it was great, and our child came out of a very dark period of adoslescence and started blossoming again.

Until her mother died. The funeral service brought us back in contact with the congregation and everyone was nice to both of us, but the lovebombing on her (as daughter) was very intense. I know for a fact that many thought that she was under my evil control. As for me, rumors that I went apostate abounded, so there was a bit of distance, but overall, I was given a decently warm welcome. However, I've noticed how the love bombing impacted my wife and from that day on, she drew closer to the old friends in the congregation and slowly started to distance herself from me. In a couple of months, the turnaround was complete. I can see she's conflicted, she's depressive, despite claiming to feel good about going back. She sees how hurt I feel for her choice, but she can also be very determined. And again, to my sadness, I realize that our marriage comes second to her faith. But, don't all good witnesses get indoctrinated that way? What's new...

I'm coming to that age when you start making decisions for the second half of your adult life. Do I really want to waste my remaining years of healthy adult life in this religiously divided household, looking over my shoulder, sleeping with one that may at any given moment beeing spying on me to inform others, and feeling left as a second choice in life? I don't deserve that, I think. Neither does she deserve to feel like she's stuck living with a demon. Not that I ever noticed she ever looking over the fence. On the other hand, we love each other and it would be a darn shame to lose this marriage.

It's just utterly frustrating. Sorry for venting.

Eden

91

Setback

by EdenOne in

i saw this coming since my mother-in-law's funeral .... the congregation's "love-bombing" over my wife had its impact.

i watched her drawing closer and closer to her friends in the congregation.

then she decided she would attend the memorial.

EdenOne

Even I feel the pull. There are some truly great people in there, if one removes the cult mentallity out of the equation. I sometimes find myself wondering: "If only they didn't require you to buy the whole package"; "If only i could only attend a meeting now and then and be left alone"; "if only I could be free to hold my opinions and not be shunned for them"... Perhaps there could be a compromise formula. But since I'm not a hypocrite, and have low tolerance for hypocrites, it couldn't work. It's all or nothing, black or white for them. Some actually understand my situation, but they're afraid of the zealots and pharisees that are in charge.

Eden

91

Setback

by EdenOne in

i saw this coming since my mother-in-law's funeral .... the congregation's "love-bombing" over my wife had its impact.

i watched her drawing closer and closer to her friends in the congregation.

then she decided she would attend the memorial.

EdenOne

We had many great conversations as we jogged together. She listened and even agreed with many things. She can't accept that a loving God would destroy billions of people in an Armageddon. She doesn't agree with 607 and thinks 1914 is just wrong. But go figure. None of that is relevant. Doesn't matter. She just wants to be back. There's no rationality in it, except the emotional pull and the need to remain in the social circle.

Eden

91

Setback

by EdenOne in

i saw this coming since my mother-in-law's funeral .... the congregation's "love-bombing" over my wife had its impact.

i watched her drawing closer and closer to her friends in the congregation.

then she decided she would attend the memorial.

EdenOne

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments and advice. In particular, thank you Tazemanian-devil, who felt compelled to sign up to the board to offer encouragement. Welcome to the board. We're here to help each other out and sometimes we offer help, sometimes we receive help. A heartfelt embrace to all and thank you.

And yes - I have used the expression "plastic friends" to refer to those instant friends in JWdom who love you just on account of your religious affiliation, but who run to the hills at a drop of a hat when you're "spiritually weak" or "inactive". Making friends like that is easy - and lazy. I feel unprepared to make friends outside this stupid cult, but perhaps music will help. If only I wasn't so damn depressed at the moment, I haven't touched any of my instruments in months because I can't get my head around it.

Eden

91

Setback

by EdenOne in

i saw this coming since my mother-in-law's funeral .... the congregation's "love-bombing" over my wife had its impact.

i watched her drawing closer and closer to her friends in the congregation.

then she decided she would attend the memorial.

EdenOne

I'm by no means giving consideration to a divorce, because I do love her and I know she loves me back. But I told her in no uncertain terms, that I won't tolerate any intromission from the congregation elders in my life or in our child's life, or in our household again; and if she ever becomes ( as it happened before ) a source of information to the elders regarding what I do or say, then to me it will be an act of betrayal that I won't be able to forgive and our marriage will be over. This was made crystal clear to her. I went through a lot of hurdles to not be disfellowshipped so I could remain in touch with family and friends and it was traumatic to me. She said it won't happen again, but given what the cult mentallity does to people, I'm not so sure I can trust her.

Eden

91

Setback

by EdenOne in

i saw this coming since my mother-in-law's funeral .... the congregation's "love-bombing" over my wife had its impact.

i watched her drawing closer and closer to her friends in the congregation.

then she decided she would attend the memorial.

EdenOne

The return to the cult is like going back to a drug. - Morpheus

^^This!

My feelings exactly. Feels like I'm watching a loved one relapsing into alchool abuse, and I'm powerless to do anything.

Eden

91

Setback

by EdenOne in

i saw this coming since my mother-in-law's funeral .... the congregation's "love-bombing" over my wife had its impact.

i watched her drawing closer and closer to her friends in the congregation.

then she decided she would attend the memorial.

EdenOne

Two things hurt the most: the look in her eyes when she looks at me as if I was the very impersonation of evil. Also, the fact that she chooses as friends the very same people that ignore me because I'm inactive. That tells me a lot where our marriage is on her list of priorities.

Eden