Posts by Journeyman

11530

It's been a long 9 years Lloyd Evans / John Cedars

by Newly Enlightened in

original reddit post (removed).

Journeyman

God orders Jonah Evans to travel to Nineveh and give them his judgement message, but claiming he is overworked, his mental health is suffering and he needs to re-evaluate his life, Jonah Evans flees to Thailand instead.

One day, while enjoying the company of a female who was definitely over the age of 20, and relaxing in the sea, Jonah Evans is swallowed by a big fish and carried back to where he came from.

Sickened by Jonah Evans' constant whining from inside his belly, the fish vomits him up on a beach, and finding he has been forced back from Thailand early, Jonah Evans reluctantly gets out his BMW chariot and goes to Nineveh.

When he arrives there he gives them God's warning message, telling them that since they're not going to listen to God, they should give him their money and devotion instead as he knows best.

To his horror, the people decide they'd rather listen to God, and feeling indignant, Jonah Evans tells them they're all dead to him and he's blocking them all.

Without the money he hoped to make from the Ninevites, Jonah Evans sells his chariot and he sits down, fakes tears and cries out "Things are bad!"

God rebukes him for caring more about the chariot than the Ninevites, and Jonah Evans' replies "I am dead inside" and complains he is "completely done with life's shit".

11530

It's been a long 9 years Lloyd Evans / John Cedars

by Newly Enlightened in

original reddit post (removed).

Journeyman

God passes his commandments to Moses Evans, who takes them down the mountain to the people but adds his own, long-winded additional comments and rebuttals on another set of stone tablets.

Reaching the bottom of the mountain, Moses Evans demands a podium to stand at to address the people. The first time he gives a rambling, self-serving speech with the tablets, the people listen (reluctantly) so he decides to milk it by trying to repeat the same trick every year.

However, after a while he realises the people are losing interest so he breaks each tablet into tiny pieces which he calls 'stony' and gives them one each every few days.

This works for a short while, but again, in time the people lose interest, with Aaron even building a golden calf for the people to worship instead.

Enraged, Moses Evans has a tantrum and blames the people for harming his mental health. He orders the destruction of the golden calf and has it melted down into coins which he persuades the people to give to him.

With the money he then travels back to Egypt, where he employs a legal firm to sue Aaron, Miriam and five other leading Israelites, while spending the rest on a stay at a resort with various Egyptian concubines and employing Tibor, a scribe, to record his exploits.

11530

It's been a long 9 years Lloyd Evans / John Cedars

by Newly Enlightened in

original reddit post (removed).

Journeyman

Jesus relates the parable of the "Cunning Croatian".

🤣
I love it! Keep 'em coming! (That's what Cara said...)

11530

It's been a long 9 years Lloyd Evans / John Cedars

by Newly Enlightened in

original reddit post (removed).

Journeyman

God (talking to Abraham/Lloyd): "I intend to go down to Sodom and Gomorrah to investigate the reports I hear of sordid depravity"
Abraham/Lloyd (interested): "Really?"
God: “The outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah is great. I shall destroy the towns and their people."
Abraham/Lloyd: "But what if there is just one (self)righteous person who happens to be on a break there for his mental health, enjoying the hospitality of the local sex workers?"
God: "Why do you ask?"
Abraham/Lloyd: "Well, I was thinking of going down there myself for a couple of weeks..."

11530

It's been a long 9 years Lloyd Evans / John Cedars

by Newly Enlightened in

original reddit post (removed).

Journeyman

Start in Eden where Adam (Lloyd) gets Eve but finds out they are sexually incompatible. After Jehovah God refuses his request for multiple sex partners to be created, the Serpent comes down from the tree and convinces him to eat from the Tree of Prostitutes.

🤣

Then Adam/Lloyd blames God for giving him genitals but not teaching him mastery over his penis, and then proceeds to whine at God for hours and claim that God is harassing him and is harming his mental health. After which, God gets fed up and kicks the pair out of the garden, so Adam/Lloyd proceeds to build a new home for himself in a bunker...

Jesus (Lloyd) preaching from the Mount of Olives that the amount of Patrons was pitiful and he'd be forced to dismiss the apostles, giving only two sermons a month. Also blaming the "defamation campaign" on the Pharisees. Known in perpetuity as the "Things Are Bad" sermon on the Mount.

Yes, if it wasn't for the fact that LE is of course an atheist, I'd imagine he'd love to be cast as Jesus (or even God himself). No lowly "servant of God" role for him!

11530

It's been a long 9 years Lloyd Evans / John Cedars

by Newly Enlightened in

original reddit post (removed).

Journeyman

He’d ask his Patrons to fundraise in order to pay off Laban.

This one made me LOL.

I have to admit, I think we've hit on a new idea:
"The Bible according to Cedars" - biblical accounts as told through the life of Lloyd Evans!

Any more parallels between scriptures and our 'favourite' Reluctant Apostate (tm)?

36

Did anyone really enjoy assemblies?

by SydBarrett in

jw
friends

the twickenham post made me think of this.

i have a few jw family members on facebook and being summertime, their pics of the convention have shown up in my fb feed.

along with their comments about "i wished it would never end" or "what a glorious weekend".

Journeyman

I agree with BluesBrother and slim. The whole Twickenham stadium of around 25,000+ singing some of the old "kingdom songs" was very moving back in the day. Meeting old friends again and making new ones was fun. Some of the speakers could be very motivating. New book and brochure releases were eagerly anticipated. And after the Sunday afternoon ended, as I was young, single and carefree back then (ahem) there was usually a group going to a local restaurant or a pub for a meal and 'association' to look forward to.

However, I always hated the dramas with a passion, yet most of the others in attendance would consider them a 'highlight' and rave about them. A group of barely-visible JWs way off in the middle of the pitch with some tacky costumes and a cheap set, miming to a corny and trite dialogue in thick American accents? No thanks!

Fortunately, the drama was usually just before lunch, so I'd use that time to take my own break and go to the supermarket cafe over the road, or if I was working as an attendant, volunteer for a shift somewhere in the stadium where I couldn't hear that rubbish!

Apart from that, and the occasional terrible weather, conventions weren't too bad to me until about 10-15 years ago.

93

Regional Convention Attendance

by XBEHERE in

jw
friends

elder friend of mine texted me asking what my rc attendance was 2 weeks ago (family and i streamed it since wife is not well).

he told me that his rc in the jersey city assembly hall last weekend was low.

co told them that around 2600 were the total from 16+ congs that were assigned.

Journeyman

A couple more RC attendance updates from the "My report from the 'trying my patience' DC" thread:

nowwhat? reports attendance at the Cleveland, OH, USA:

Pre covid attendance was always 7k+ this year 4500.

iloowy.goowy at Amhest, MA, USA:

Pre-covid there would have been over 5k in attendance but this past weekend barely 3k showed up, even on Sunday.

11530

It's been a long 9 years Lloyd Evans / John Cedars

by Newly Enlightened in

original reddit post (removed).

Journeyman

Is this exchange with Alex this year?

Yes, just a few days ago from his post about sexual deviancy and the Bible. Sorry if I wasn't clear.

11530

It's been a long 9 years Lloyd Evans / John Cedars

by Newly Enlightened in

original reddit post (removed).

Journeyman

We were joking earlier (and in some cases not joking - deadly serious) in comments about his "Coming tomorrow..." post about sexual incidents in the Bible, but I noticed on revisiting that post that he was being his usual charming self in the comments with someone called "Alex" (presumably a creationist) who he had previously been supposedly due to debate with.

I'm not sure if this is the one that he tweeted about several weeks ago, but then he removed the tweet because they cancelled or failed to show up.

The point is, even if Alex did fail to show before, our friend with the sunny disposition goes on one of his usual abrasive, nit-picky and self-righteous rants at him. Looks like Alex was unaware what a tiresome and awkward PITA he can be to deal with, especially if you dare not to do everything exactly as he wants it and bow at the altar of Cedars.

Any new followers of the cult of LE are not likely to be impressed, nor are any potential guests of the channel who come across this exchange. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot in public once more...