Posts by LostInTranslation

40

Non JW involved with a JW

by LostInTranslation in

i am a non jw who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:.

i have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.. .

suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago.

LostInTranslation

PM back at ya lost

40

Non JW involved with a JW

by LostInTranslation in

i am a non jw who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:.

i have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.. .

suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago.

LostInTranslation

Well,

after much deliberation and help from you very kind people, I realised what needed to be done with my situation. I decided to send him a final "farewell"

I was kind, and open.. letting him know I understood his dilemma, and that since I am now aware of his relgious affiliation I completely understand how confusing and frightening it is for him to keep me in his life. (both for himself and the children he is raising in the "truth")... that I now get the "Complications" as he liked to put it. (he kept telling me this would be a 'long haul' and that his life was 'complicated' without coming out and fessing up to the JW thing)

I told him I thought it was unfair that he wasn't honest with me about his Beliefs from the start, but that I get it now...

then I wished him well with his life

The end.

Yes: tenyearsin, we have been intimate. And now I suppose he will deal with the guilt/fall out from that if he chooses to confess, and even if he doesn't, he can battle with himself.

He made the choices, I guess now he will suffer the consequences.

I really WOULD love to see him get control of his life and find the REAL truth, but that I have no control over. If he ever needs a friend when the chips were down, I wouldn't turn him away, but friendship would be as far as I would go.

I deserve to be sane too NO shrieking/Screaming for this chick! LOL

Thanks everyone. So much.

40

Non JW involved with a JW

by LostInTranslation in

i am a non jw who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:.

i have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.. .

suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago.

LostInTranslation

literally overnight, nothing.

Thank you lost1. Yep this was my experience as well.

He had wavered a little before, doing the hot/cold thing with me but always coming back around after a day or so.

This time though, I just told him that I thought we needed to cool things down a bit so we could get our bearings. I made it clear that I wanted to continue contact and seeing him but on a less intense level until we could sort things out (Him still having never admitted his JW involvement).

He shut down on me IMMEDIATELY when I said this, he turned into "cult persona"(as I realize now in hindsight) and was very formal in his speech, cold if you will. He DID apologise to me for having hurt me in our past relationship and said he would never want to hurt me again that way though.

As I have said in previous posts, I am very much understanding now that this is something I probably need to let go. I am seeing the entire picture now thanks to so many of the kind people here

as well as from doing research and reading everything I can get my hands on.

Knowledge really IS power. I feel much better about "me" with the understanding I have gleaned from posting and reading here. I totally get that this is not MY issue... it's entirely his.

~~Lost~~

40

Non JW involved with a JW

by LostInTranslation in

i am a non jw who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:.

i have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.. .

suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago.

LostInTranslation

Thank you again everyone.

Jgnat,

I am not under any disallusion that may be able to wake up or "free" him.

I have no intention of even trying, this is out of my realm and I know that. Really at this point I would just like to sit with him and hear him tell me some truths. To this point he has still

not mentioned the JW to me. I guess I just feel he owes me a little honesty.

My questions about how best to speak with him and how to approach it with him is not with intention of trying to change him, but how to not have him run screaming either and turning directly to the cult persona. I would much rather discuss this with his authentic self.

I guess I would just like to keep an open dialogue without him feeling judged and without me feeling shut down, if any of that makes sense.

I realize in all honesty that it very well may be our last discussion. I would like to walk away feeling like I didn't add to his decision to stay embeded in the JW world. (no one wants to be a vehicle of satan after all )

40

Non JW involved with a JW

by LostInTranslation in

i am a non jw who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:.

i have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.. .

suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago.

LostInTranslation

jgnat

Thank you for your input. I have read many of your previous posts in my search for answers and respect both your story and your opinion.

To be sure this is not an easy situation.

I keep wavering in my own mind between walking away now, and making one last ditch attempt to speak to him about all of this.

Of course, my heart and mind are at odds. I am certain if we didn't have a past together He would never have reconnected with me, and I would certainly not be holding on like I am.

More fool me

40

Non JW involved with a JW

by LostInTranslation in

i am a non jw who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:.

i have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.. .

suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago.

LostInTranslation

Ballistic,

Thank you

Yes! I have thought this myself. I have a feeling through all of the talking and research I have done in the last little while that you may well be right, I actually may have more insight into what is going on in his head than he even does at this point.

Clearly from his own actions, he is confused at the very least. And questioning his beliefs and way of life at most.

Think:

PM returned.

Married to a JW:

I only had one PM from think about it.

40

Non JW involved with a JW

by LostInTranslation in

i am a non jw who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:.

i have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.. .

suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago.

LostInTranslation

I do have one more question to pose here and hopefully will be able to get help from all of you amazing people.

After reading so much here and also reading some of the things Mr. Hassan has to say, I would appreciate any ideas or tips on how to broach this subject with him

and the most effective ways to interact and speak with him.

Obviously without judgement and always in Love but any input from all of you with your sage experience in JW matters would be greatly appreciated.

He is already running scared and I don't want to push him even further away at this point.

Thank you all once again for all of your kindness and help.

It is so very muchly appreciated

~~Lost~~

40

Non JW involved with a JW

by LostInTranslation in

i am a non jw who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:.

i have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.. .

suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago.

LostInTranslation

Thank you Think About It,

I inted to stick around. I am finding all of the insight and information really helpful, at the very least in understanding his behaviour and the 'whys'.

The hot/cold, switch flipping behaviour is very difficult for someone who doesnt fully get the JW mentality, and I admit I took it very personally.

The rejection/love cycle was doing my head in!

I have been reading/listening to Steve Hassan and it is very enlightening, I am starting to get that this "isn't about me".

Hearing others here speak of the Cult persona vs the True Persona, and reading what Mr. Hassan has to say on that resonates very loudly for me, it is exactly how things are with he and I.

To answer your question about how I felt when I found out he was a JW:

At first I was suprised. I did a little research into the organisation and began to understand a little more of the control they exhert over their members. Some things about his behaviour started to make more sense to me, but he Kept coming around me, kept making a point to be part of my life, and because of that I suppose I totally underestimated how strong this control over him was. I really didn't get the complexity of the situation.

He has continuously told me how "complicated" his life is, but always inferred it was due to his divorce. It wasn't until he started saying he felt like he was living a double life that I really started to clue in that there had to be more (and yes, he has been hiding me from everyone in his circle... including his family who are NOT JW and whom i already know from our previous time together).

But even with all of this, I was not deterred. I really care for this man, not just in a romantic sense but as a person, and a friend.

I now see though that this may be an impossible situation. I don't know how I will proceed at this point. I know I need to have a conversation with him, hopefully he can be honest, REALLY honest.

I guess that part is really up to him. The rest will be my decision.

40

Non JW involved with a JW

by LostInTranslation in

i am a non jw who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:.

i have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.. .

suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago.

LostInTranslation

I thank you all so much already for your input.

I suppose what I need to do is accept that this Man I have come to have such deep feelings for once again in my life, is actually NOT the same man I once loved

as he has been altered and controlled by the WTS.

During this "second chance" relationship with him, I have to say I have seen clear evidence of both the "old him": happy, fun, relaxed and loving toward me, and the "new him" : much colder, more calculated in his words and 'proper', for lack of better terminology. It is like a switch flips and he goes from "old him" to "new him" very rapidly. But almost always after we have had some form of physical contact, even sometimes of the most benign kind. (it doesnt have to be full out sex to make him "flip" on me)

Robert,

Thank you for this information, I will read and research the freedom of mind website. Sadly, I fear he will not let me close enough to be of much assistance. I think he is already shutting down on me because I represent his biggest fear... temptation. His involvement with and feelings for ME may actually force him to have a real look at Himself and his life choices in a way he is not prepared to do.

I think he may latently fear that his sobriety is wrapped up in the JW's (it was very soon after becoming sober that he joined).

I also fear that he is just a person who NEEDS to have some form of governing body, someone to 'guide' him, tell him how to raise his children (he has custody, their mother is non JW - not the current wife he is divorcing) how to think, when to breathe .

Even when we were younger and in love (before his JW involvement) he was prone to extreme "all or nothing" choices. (pyramid schemes, get rich quick ideas... that would be paramount in his life for a few months or, then never to be mentioned again..)

Maybe it shouldnt have really been such a surprise for me to find out about his deep committment to WTS.

I guess I just felt, if I LOVE him enough, and he feels the same, he will leave, he will see that it's wrong, he will be freed.

I am beginning to realize here, that it's not that simple. Love has nothing to do with it... Fear is the key. Such a waste of a human. It's very saddening to me. I would have loved him earnestly and honestly if he would let me in.

Somehow, I doubt that will happen.

40

Non JW involved with a JW

by LostInTranslation in

i am a non jw who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:.

i have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.. .

suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago.

LostInTranslation

I guess as a side note I should say I don't really know where "we" stand at the moment.

We saw each other recently and things were good, normal, relaxed with us but the next day he was very distant with me again. (this seems to be a cycle with him after we spend time together, he gets cool to me for a day or two).

After this time, I told him I thought we should cool things down a bit and regroup. He agreed (still no admission of JW involvment from him and I have also not brought it up for conversation - I don't even know if he is aware I KNOW he is involved!)

and we have not spoken for almost a week, whereas previously we were in contact daily.

I hear you all very clearly, telling me to walk away... and I am taking heed, but it is a very difficult thing to do given our history and the amount of feelings involved. Even with his Hot/Cold act I can say with some certainty that the feelings are mutal.

I do appreciate all of the input and warm welcome here. Having some kind of understanding and support is already helping my psyche.