Non JW involved with a JW

LostInTranslation

Hi,

I am a non JW who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:

I have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.

Suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago. (although I am sure it does add to the confusion)

I have come to find out that he has omitted one very large facet of his life to me, He is a Baptized and currently Active JW and has been for more than a decade. (his family are not JW but most of his social network apparently are including his soon to be ex wife. )

He has never admitted this to me and never once brought up any kind of religious affiliation AT ALL during the time we have spent together/discussions we have had. (I happened to find this out from a mutual family friend).

I don't know how to proceed, I don't know how to feel, I am actually rather heart broken because the bond we have is very real and very promising.

I feel lost and saddened and I don't even really know how to begin to get over this man. (it's more convoluted than this brief version I have posted but I am actually dubious about saying too much for fear that he or people he knows may even lurk here...)

Any insight would be appreciated

~~Lost~~

Think About It

LIT......welcome to the JWN board. If you are not in too emotionally deep yet, let this relationship go. This relationship has trouble written all over it, besides the JW crap you would have to contend with if you keep up the reationship. Good luck.

we have a past together (well before he was ever involved with the JW and well before his current marrige). And this convolutes things a little more.

Just seen this on another thread about your past relationship with him, before he was a JW. I guess this makes things different. Maybe you can help get him out of the cult.

troubled mind

RUN ! Seriously run .... He is toying with you and you will get hurt .

LostGeneration

Unfortunately you are involved with a cult member, under mind control. That might sound silly and ridiculous, but it is true.

You may have been fortunate to see this true self, as he was probably free to be himself around you. But away from you he knocks on doors, trying to get people to join his high control religion.

His greatest risk right now is probably being disfellowshipped, a sure thing if he and you have been in a sexual relationship and he isn't "free" from his soon to be ex. (He isn't free if she hasn't done the deed with someone else). The change in behaviour is probably due to his fear of being outed to his elder body, who would call him into a judicial committee if they found out he was dating you.

There aren't going to be any magical words on "getting over him", though you probably have dodged a bullet in the long run if the relationship is over. This cult causes so many problems both among active members and those involved with them. You don't even want to know the sum of all the tears shed because of this cult.

Welcome to the board, lots of good people here that are willing to help out.

LostInTranslation

Hi Think.

Yes, this is where things get convoluted. We have known each other for 2 decades, were actually very close to marriage at one point in our lives (before he was a JW), but due to a number of reasons (one of them being that he had an addiction at the time, which he has been clean from for many years), things ended.

This reconnection we had was amazing, everything very quickly "felt right" again. However, clearly he was omitting a very large part of his life to me.

I don't even know how I would go about helping him out when he has not even admitted his involvement with the JW to me. I don't even know if he WANTS out..

As I said in my previous post on the other thread, I dont really understand why, if he were such a devout JW as I have heard he claims to be, 1) he got involved me at all and 2) why he wouldn't at least TELL me about his involvement with the WTS.

I am very hurt and confused.

Pickler

LIT, welcome to JWN.

Seriously, RUN! I can honestly say us JW & xJW have loads of issues, but at least we are one, or the other.

The absolute worst person to be involved with is someone who is leading a double life/lying to themselves/lying to you.

OK, now I've seen that you were involved before and I'm imagining the romance of it all. ....still, he needs to sort himself out & come to you as a divorced xJW, or stop messing around.

I hope it works out for you!!!!

LisaRose

I think you at least need to have a conversation about this. He has hidden a very important fact about himself, which does not bode well for a long term relationship.

Having been there, I can tell you that Jehovah's Witnesses sometimes have conflicted feelings, sometimes wanting to do things that are not allowed (we are only human), and then feeling guilty and trying to "be better". Unfortunately this often leaves the other person involved in the dark, knowing something is wrong, but not knowing what.

You should consider that you are almost like the "other woman" in a love triangle (even if he is divorced and free to marry). He may love you and want to be with you, but will feel guilty and eventually go back to his religion. That is the reality. The fact that he has not disclosed this to you makes it even more likely.

I am sorry, but I think you would be better off ending this.

LostInTranslation

I guess as a side note I should say I don't really know where "we" stand at the moment.

We saw each other recently and things were good, normal, relaxed with us but the next day he was very distant with me again. (this seems to be a cycle with him after we spend time together, he gets cool to me for a day or two).

After this time, I told him I thought we should cool things down a bit and regroup. He agreed (still no admission of JW involvment from him and I have also not brought it up for conversation - I don't even know if he is aware I KNOW he is involved!)

and we have not spoken for almost a week, whereas previously we were in contact daily.

I hear you all very clearly, telling me to walk away... and I am taking heed, but it is a very difficult thing to do given our history and the amount of feelings involved. Even with his Hot/Cold act I can say with some certainty that the feelings are mutal.

I do appreciate all of the input and warm welcome here. Having some kind of understanding and support is already helping my psyche.

wannabefree

Have you talked to him about it?

Is the religion what got him to overcome his addiction? Cuz I know a few people who need the religion to keep them clean, when out of it they have gone right back to the addiction. It's like exchanging one addiction for another, some seem to need the rules.

If he is stable outside of the religion and wants no part of JW's anymore and KNOWS that it is NOT the truth, then, who knows, you both may find your fairy tale ... otherwise, it will probably be a horror story.

Use caution.

Best wishes.

Satanus

The wt religion is his new drug. It takes precedence, no doubt like his previous drug use did. I understand that you broke it off because of the drugs, last time....

S

Non JW involved with a JW

Share this