Posts by bornfree123

68

I just want a divorce!

by bornfree123 in

hi there, this is my first post, but i've been buzzing around this site for years.. i got married at 18, hubby was 20, i was a regular pioneer and we were talking about serving in bethel.

fast forward - i left in 2004 after a 5 year battle with my conscience, family and friends who kept insisting that i was just "weak and needed to have another bible study".

however hubby and i stayed together although it was kinda on the understanding that we would just not talk about it.

I just wanted to give an update on my situation. I filed for divorce 2 weeks ago under 'unreasonable behaviour'. He had already indicated that he would not go along with an "unscriptual" divorce so I was pretty sure that he would be as obstructive as possible. Anyway, he had 14 days to respond to my petition - the 14 days ends tomorrow (Monday 15th) and I have heard NOTHING! I don't expect to suddenly get a response tomorrow so the next stage is for me to appoint a Process Server so that the courts are assured that he has definately received the papers.

The funny thing is I have to give the process server a photo of him and some information on where he is most likely to be found. Well, as it happens I know EXACTLY where he's going to be on a Thursday night and Sunday morning . Oh to be a fly on the wall when he gets called out of the meeting and "served" in front of the attendants and anyone else who is standing around.

On another note, a few months ago I wrote to the society to tell them what has been happening - think i mentioned this earlier. Anyway, I didn't hear back from their initial response so I rang and spoke to some administrator or other. He came back with a message to say that the congregation were written to a month or so ago and had responded, however their responses were not satisfactory and so a further letter had been sent where they were told to "please answer the specific questions that have been asked". They were still waiting for a response. My mum (who is still in) was heartened by this but I'm not so sure. Maybe its paranoia but I can see myself just getting fobbed off. It makes no difference to me but it'll be interesting to see whether anything actually comes of it.

On a positive note, I graduated this week (Masters degree) and took my parents to a lovely graduation ceremony at a beautiful cathedral in Liverpool (England). My mum was crying and saying how proud she was of me to do so well with all that has been going on. It was a lovely lovely day. She even stood for the National Anthem!I love my mum so much.

Bornfree.

68

I just want a divorce!

by bornfree123 in

hi there, this is my first post, but i've been buzzing around this site for years.. i got married at 18, hubby was 20, i was a regular pioneer and we were talking about serving in bethel.

fast forward - i left in 2004 after a 5 year battle with my conscience, family and friends who kept insisting that i was just "weak and needed to have another bible study".

however hubby and i stayed together although it was kinda on the understanding that we would just not talk about it.

bornfree123

Wow "lost" thank you for that post. I've read it over and over and everything you say rings true.

Just a quick update - I went to see a solicitor yesterday and he's given me some great advice and although i'm probably not going to be able to get the absolute clean break i want I can at least get the divorce part started.. I've just completed my divorce papers and i'm off to the court now to submit them. I'm going to file under unreasonable behaviour and at first I wasn't exactly sure what to put but once I sat down and started writing, I couldn't stop! I've toned it down a couple of times but there are still several references to his beliefs as a JW which when you see it on paper its disgusting!

I wish I could be there when he receives them.

I'll let you know how things go.

Thank you again.

BF

68

I just want a divorce!

by bornfree123 in

hi there, this is my first post, but i've been buzzing around this site for years.. i got married at 18, hubby was 20, i was a regular pioneer and we were talking about serving in bethel.

fast forward - i left in 2004 after a 5 year battle with my conscience, family and friends who kept insisting that i was just "weak and needed to have another bible study".

however hubby and i stayed together although it was kinda on the understanding that we would just not talk about it.

bornfree123

Think i posted a blank message earlier - I was trying to use my phone to post.

The reason he gave me for his decision to leave was that - and I promise you this is true - his spiritual AND physical life was in danger if he stayed. When i questioned him further (as did the elders when they spoke to him), he said that he had planned to take his own life on several occasions during the months before he left. He firmly believes that this means that this entitled him to leave the family. One of the last things he said before he left was that it was the best thing for us all!!

The 2 years before he left had been an extremely difficult for us. He had an undiagnosed condition that had meant that he could not work. I have always worked, but mainly part time (although i was still the higher earner). I then increased my hours to full time whilst he looked after our youngest daughter (who was only 18 months old) for a couple of afternoons a week. She was with a child-minder for the rest of the time. I believe he has since been diagnosed with ME/CFS. He has since said (by text) that I caused his condition due to my decision to leave "the truth" which caused him so much pain and heartache that his body couldn't cope. He said "you are going to die and there's nothing I can do about it", and the worry has made me ill. He blames me 100% for our breakup and says that he had no choice but to leave. This is why he will not agree to a divorce.

I do try really hard not to bad mouth him to the girls, I don't always succeed but I really try hard.

I decided to leave the organisation because, as many other youngsters brought up in it, i was just carried along. I had promised myself my whole childhood (since being taken along at the age of 5) that I would leave. I hated being different at school, I was embarassed going on the doors (as it was called then). I hated having to stay out of assemblies at school, but I got friendly with some girls at the hall who were uber-spiritual and I started going out with them. I didn't do my first door until I was 13. Then when I was 15 I met my hubby and got married when I was 18. I pioneered, went to pioneer school, was on at the Circuit assemblies and district convention. I completely threw myself into it, lock stock and barrel. It wasn't until I had our first daughter at 27 that all the old feelings resurfaced and that was the start of my "awakening". I could see that I was forcing my child into all the things that I had hated. I could see that she was deeply unhappy too (I also knew that she was secretly taking her toys to give to her friends on their birthdays).

I was warned a few times by elders wives (you know the type, can I work with you today sister) about some of the questions I was asking and comments I was making. I remember being told once that if my hubby wanted to reach out to be an elder, i need to be careful with the things that I was saying. I finally left at the age of 34.

Sorry if i'm jumping around a bit - I don't know of any cult counsellors in this country, but he is totally averse to counselling or mediation. He just does not want to know. This is going to be a very acromonious (and expensive) divorce.

Apologies if i haven't answered all the questions.

Oh, and yes, I was very surprised that the society wrote to me asking for permission to send my letter to the society. The must be trying to get their act together.

BF

68

I just want a divorce!

by bornfree123 in

hi there, this is my first post, but i've been buzzing around this site for years.. i got married at 18, hubby was 20, i was a regular pioneer and we were talking about serving in bethel.

fast forward - i left in 2004 after a 5 year battle with my conscience, family and friends who kept insisting that i was just "weak and needed to have another bible study".

however hubby and i stayed together although it was kinda on the understanding that we would just not talk about it.

bornfree123

68

I just want a divorce!

by bornfree123 in

hi there, this is my first post, but i've been buzzing around this site for years.. i got married at 18, hubby was 20, i was a regular pioneer and we were talking about serving in bethel.

fast forward - i left in 2004 after a 5 year battle with my conscience, family and friends who kept insisting that i was just "weak and needed to have another bible study".

however hubby and i stayed together although it was kinda on the understanding that we would just not talk about it.

bornfree123

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your replies. I'm in the United Kingdom by the way. To try and answer your questions - I have asked a solicitor about abandonment but apparently it's not very popular with the courts over here so its very rare. My best route now is on unreasonable behaviour. I have lots of non-witness friends and they have been nothing short of amazing. Also my mum who is still in (regular pioneer for 30 years) has been a pillar of strength for me and is actually PAYING for my divorce. My non-witness friends are just amazed at the arrogance of someone who is supposed to be a Christian, it just baffles them. Hubby has always been self-righteous to be honest so it didn't surprise me when he said he wouldn't go along with an "unscriptual divorce". Wallsofjericho - I hadn't even thought about it like that - this is what I love about this site, it gives you a different perspective on things. And you're right of course, he isn't getting sex anyway so why not get divorced? In relation to a no fault separation, in the UK this only applies after 5 years. Is it true that I would still get df'd even almost 10 years after leaving the organisation? In answer to the question as to why i want a divorce - this is where things get really complicated. Too complicated to put in a message here but suffice to say, we have several joint properties that are all tied up in this and I need to make a clean break in order to move forward. There are 2 children involved too, our eldest (15) has broken all ties with her dad and hasn't spoken to him in the last 18 months. Ive written to the elders who are aware of everything, i've also written to the society who have written back asking for permission for the letter to be sent to the elders for further information/discussion. I'd love to share my story with you guys - I will as soon as I can. Have to run now to pick up my youngest daughter from school but i'll post again later. Thanks again. BF xx

68

I just want a divorce!

by bornfree123 in

hi there, this is my first post, but i've been buzzing around this site for years.. i got married at 18, hubby was 20, i was a regular pioneer and we were talking about serving in bethel.

fast forward - i left in 2004 after a 5 year battle with my conscience, family and friends who kept insisting that i was just "weak and needed to have another bible study".

however hubby and i stayed together although it was kinda on the understanding that we would just not talk about it.

bornfree123

Thank you for your comments and the welcome.

Truthseeker - believe it or not as an 18 year old, just married, regular pioneer I had no idea about the instricacies of divorce, but thank you for the welcome.

68

I just want a divorce!

by bornfree123 in

hi there, this is my first post, but i've been buzzing around this site for years.. i got married at 18, hubby was 20, i was a regular pioneer and we were talking about serving in bethel.

fast forward - i left in 2004 after a 5 year battle with my conscience, family and friends who kept insisting that i was just "weak and needed to have another bible study".

however hubby and i stayed together although it was kinda on the understanding that we would just not talk about it.

bornfree123

Hi there, this is my first post, but i've been buzzing around this site for years.

I got married at 18, hubby was 20, I was a regular pioneer and we were talking about serving in bethel. Fast forward - i left in 2004 after a 5 year battle with my conscience, family and friends who kept insisting that i was just "weak and needed to have another bible study". However hubby and I stayed together although it was kinda on the understanding that we would just not talk about it. Things eventually came to a head in 2011 when he announced that it was all too much and he walked out.

Now that we've been separated for 2 years I recently texted him (he won't speak to me) to say that I am petitioning for divorce and it would be less painful and costly if we were just to agree to a divorce. He immediately replied to say that he wouldn't be going along with an "unscriptual divorce" (hardly scriptual to leave your family but hey ho).

This leads to my question: Is this a JW thing or is he just being pig-headed? I understand of course that he won't be able to remarry, but is he not ALLOWED to agree to the 2 year separation route or is it more of a conscience thing?

Ive decided to apply under unreasonable behaviour, which he will contest but I don't really have any other option.

Any replies would be gratefully received.

BF