I feel ya.
Former pioneer/elder here. My wife and I both have 20 years of full time service.
I resigned as an elder in 2012, been a weak publisher ever since. I plan to convince my wife to move to another congregation.
The plan is to drop field service and do Sundays only. We make all of the meetings right now, and do FS every other Saturday. I'm commenting once per WT study, I said some stuff I shouldn't have to the elders when I first lost belief, I'm now doing damage control to keep from being dfd as apostate.
We can't be honest right now, but someday, someday soon, we will be able to be brazenly honest, with impunity!