Well,
This is a personal venting topic - mostly getting some things that have happened in the recent past off my chest and laying it all out where I can see it. So don't answer or even read it if you don't care - I know. I'm whining, but mostly to see if I can focus some of this energy...
Anyway, I'm furious right now. So angry I can't sleep. So angry it hurts me, gives me heartburn, makes me punch shit and shout.
First up, my play which I wrote and help raise money for has been cancelled. The producer is still working on finding a space, but it doesn't look good. Damn! A disappointment. Really embarrassing, too, because I was so happy about it I was telling everybody.
Then, ha ha, my sketch comedy troupe holds a coup d'etat and throws me, my girlfriend, and my other friend out of the group! They made some very unfair and baseless accusations along the lines of power tripping (which is crazy, it was more work than power - just ask Simon what its like to try running a group project) - so these people who were my friends and closest companions for the past two years have completely walked out of my life. This is the single largest source of anger, bitterness, and hatred in my heart, because we were so close to success, we could taste it, we were really close to getting some paying gigs and fulfilling our dream, and then suddenly they decide, two weeks before our next show, that they just couldn't handle it anymore, in fact, couldn't keep it together for two more weeks, no, they had to bail right now, screw me over in terms of money and reputation (the local theater owner was NOT happy about us cancelling like a bunch of amateur geeks). Arrrgghh! Chop their heads off! Give them a tracheotomoy with a broken 40! (The worst thing is that these guys NEED someone to drive them, because they can't organize even a simple fundraiser on their own. So all their good talent is going to go to waste for the rest of their lives. We were GOOD, but they just weren't happy having my fiancee call the shots like when to have shows and rehearsals. They kept acting paranoid about every little thing, complaining that she was a bad person, when she would have happily given up the job, but they weren't willing to work, they just wanted to bitch.)
And I got some kind of strange fever, too, it keeps coming back and it leaves me exhausted and weak, I sweat all fricking night and when I wake up I'm drenched and dizzy.
And then, this is actually funny when I go to say it, I was walking past this rotating fan which had the cover taken off because it was broken, and it was in the dark because I was getting ready for work, and my hand, you guessed it, went right into the spinning blades and chopped up the skin on the back of my fingers pretty good. It frigging burns, man.
I work at Starbucks and smell like coffee all day. I took this job to pay some bills while we worked on our comedy troupe - I sell coffee to rich people who treat me like crap and talk to me like I'm an idiot, rather than the college educated writer I am. I hang out in some places where if they pulled that attitude, nobody would blink if I beat the crap out of them. But no, at work, I have to smile and say, "Yes, Mrs. Lebowitz, I must have misheard you when you clearly ordered a SKIM latte when you said SOY I 'm sorry, my mindreading hat is on the fritz today." There's a whole class of educated people working in crap jobs while we wait for this economy to turn around. And we're getting tired of it, man!
My parents are still in the dubdom, and while they've been really nice to me, they are so convinced that the end is close, thanks to all this furor in the Middle East, they are driving me crazy enough to burn down the local kingdom hall.
One final thing, I wanted to join the army, but can't because of my psychiatric history... sigh, yes, I know... I'm crazy! But it was one more humiliating rejection on top of everything else - you just aren't good enough, says the world...
I know other people have problems, more serious than mine, and I feel bad about Ms. Garza passing away, but I just needed to spit out my anger at the way everything seems to be conspiring to screw me over.
If you've made it this far, thanks for listening.
CZAR of the "Poor and Disaffected"