“All I want from this life
is to be able to wash windows at Bethel.”
My story.
When I was fresh out of high
school and pioneering, I said those exact words to my friends and
family. All I wanted to do was be at the core of the organization
where it was the safest. I gleefully told people that I'd gladly
spend the rest of my life washing windows, waiting tables, doing
laundry or cleaning bathrooms. For a period of time, I lived, ate,
breathed dreams of Bethel. I remember praying so hard for two years
on end to get in there. Nobody in my family (which has a long history
with this religion) had ever served there before, so I wanted to make
history.
I remember I was 20, basically
broke and without any useful skill because they had pounded into our
heads that those who serve Jehovah full time get the biggest and best
of his blessings. I was a pioneer, construction labor rat, and an MS
to boot. I thought my future was secure. I was going to Bethel - the
house that God built.
Problem was: I could pound
nails and polish windows like the best of em', but I had no specific
skill or training that could make me useful. My friend was just as
useless as I was in that sense. We both wanted to go to bethel, both
were the same age, same school etc. The difference was his parents
had both gone to Bethel, he had other uncles and aunts serving in
Bethel as well. I had no such connections, but I knew that Jehovah
knew how badly I wanted to go to serve him and bring joy to my family
and congregation.
My friend and I both applied
at roughly the same time. Six months later, he was accepted. I was
left hanging. I waited two years with hope gushing that I would get
in. Finally, the realization set in that there must be something
wrong with me. Those two long years of being neither rejected or
accepted really disappointed me. I wanted closure. Finally I gave
up in my heart and moved to a foreign country to pioneer.
The disappointment of that
experience didn't really hit me until years later. I had things to do
in the mean time: be a need greater, find a wonderful sister, tackle
new languages, bring others into the truth etc. Being busy kept me
from thinking about any doubts I had of God or the organization.
Years later several events
happened that little by little began to wake me up. In 2004, roughly
2000 miles from where I was living there was a massive Tsunami that
wiped out entire villages. The wanton destruction made me miserable.
In 2011 there was a massive earthquake/tsunami in Japan. I kept
watching videos on the news and on tv over and over asking myself why
god does nothing to protect or at least warn humans from imminent
natural disasters that only he could know would happen. I was very
troubled by them. I took my troubles to the COBE and asked him to
explain why God wasn't sinning when in his own word at Proverbs 3:27
we are commanded to “Do not withhold good from those who deserve it
when it's in your power to help them.”
What the elder said disturbed
me. He said that God had the power to choose to see or not see future
events. He could put on special blinders that blocked him from seeing
into the future, therefore he didn't know that such disasters would
happen. This explanation was unsettling because even a layman such as
myself knew that earthquakes don't just happen. As tectonic plates
rub up against each other friction and pressure builds. There are
many small tectonic tremors that build up before the event. God would
know what was going to happen before it happened. Yet he stood by and
watched as babies were crushed, electrocuted or swept away.
Natural disasters disturbed me
but didn't break my faith. After the Japan Tsunami and earthquake
there was a scandal involving several congregations locally. A former
elder died. At his funeral, somebody put a bucket of roses and
assorted flowers by his casket. Well, somebody got it in their head
to put a flower on top of the casket as they paid there last
respects. The others in line decided to copy and each, in turn, put a
flower on the casket. Well, when the C.O. later found out about this he was
furious. Heads rolled. People were df'd, lost privileges,
interrogated for weeks on end. The hammer came down hard on numerous
individuals from numerous congregations who attended the funeral that
day. I remember one meeting where a crying pioneer sister screamed
out loud suddenly “Are they going to disfellowship us?! What's
going to happen to us?” It took several sisters to calm her down. I
found the inhumane way people were treated then to be very
Pharisaical and unloving. i was beginning to see the pharisaical elements of the organization in its treatment of those who were df'd.
One of my workmates was an
atheist, former Catholic who hated religion and especially he
reserved a special hatred for JW's. We often clashed and debated and
argued, much to the angst of others in the office. He was very
knowledgeable about TTATT as he had studied up on the JW religion.
Preaching to him exposed me to TTATT. I went home and naturally began
to research his accusations in order to refute them. Little could be
found in the publications, so I went online. The rest, as they say,
is history. As soon as I learned of the scandals and falsehoods in
the organization I quit going to meetings.
The wife and I battled over my
position. Finally, she researched on her own to refute what I was
saying. She learned TTATT and is now inactive. Thankfully she hates
hypocrisy just as much as I do. We are happy to be free from the
organizational rat race, which has no finish line. You either drop
out of the race to live your own life, guided by your own conscience,
or you drop dead while turning a lap.
My whole life I have been a "Yes man". Now I've learned to toe the line, man up and say no. I say no to child sacrifices. I say no to shunning loved ones and those who have different beliefs. I say no to fear, guilt and obligation. I say no to promoting half truths and outright false teachings. I say no to the "magnificent seven" who try to tell me how to live my life from their insular, cozy ivory tower.
I want to thank all of you for the support and knowledge that I have gained since joining this site a year ago. I am getting the therapy I need from here. I raise a glass to all of you ( atheists, theists, gays and lesbians, guys and gals) and wish you a long, happy, meaningful life. Also, a special thanks to Simon for running this site.
Warm regards,
Mr. and Mrs. Bonsai
