Hi Martini,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. You know I don't know what I call myself any longer - from a JW standpoint. A few years ago i found myself where you appear to be now - tired of the drudgery and the routine of a never ending demand for my energies and my time. I also found that there were things I just accepted because I was following what I had been taught since I was born. Here are a few examples of what I could never find answers to IN THE BIBLE (I will only share 4 right now):
- How could I prove SCRIPTUALLY that the 144.000 were sealed in 1935. I always accepted it but someone at work asked me to prove it one day using the Bible. I was stumped and a little humiliated by my own lack of personal study.
- I dislike farming and gardening. So the idea of becoming an everlasting farmer held no appeal to me. When I raised this at a shepherding call I was told "don't think about those things - just kep focused on our work today". This was disheartening to me because reward systems motivate action and I could not find the desire to keep going since the reward was somehwta unappealing to me.
- One January I looked at the Annual Proclaimers Report and it struck me that Jehovah appeared to like Americans a whole lot more than the other nations. Why did he pick Russell? I thought then that Jehovah was being practical because America leads the way in production and technology so he was going to use this as a mechanism to "speed up the work". But then it just didn't seem fair that jehovah was partial to westerners. Think about it like this: Most people adopt the religion of their parents or their peers (sure there are a few exceptions). So then if someone in India (where there are very few JW's) has a "good heart" why would Jehovah penalize them because they hit the shallow end of the geographic lottery?
- We were taught that we had to preach so that others could be saved. Although the society never really drummed the implications of this home at our hall we were told that only JW's would be saved and all living non-JW's would die at Armageddon. This is a mathematical impossibility though. Why? Because the number of people being born on the planet everyday is increasing much fatster than the number of JW's is and this becomes and impossible task. It also means mainly young people are those who are setup to be destroyed at Armageddon (just think about it for a minute or two its simple exponentiation).
At any rate, based on these and a host of other questions I stopped going to meeting and on field service. Every member of my family is a JW so like you i have avoided getting disfellowshipped or disassociating myself. Based on these questions and others I have since decided that there is no basis for a God to choose westerners vs Easterners and I can find no reason why if there is a God he would inspire a Bible that would be used only by a portion of the inhabitants of the planet - surely he would give everyone a "fair" chance. I can understand how looking at the world around me the natual inclination is to say "it seems to prove design and therefore there must be a designer aka God". But that is because of what i was taught. I was taught that it makes no sense to evolve from a monkey like evolutionists claim. Well thats totally true, except evolution doesn't teach us that. The religions of the world (including the WT society) have twisted what evolution is really about. As an example, look at viruses. Viruses mutate and form resistance to drugs like anti-biotics - everyone knows that. But how do they do that? They change their structure - they evolve. So i have spent a lot of time learning the truth about what science teaches and it is fascinating and I have realized how little I know as a result of being "sheltered".
I could write for hours and hours about this stuff but I don't want to bore anyone here so all I encourage you to do is take it slowly and keep thinking. Your brain is your friend. Your blind faith is not - who the heck wants to invest time, money and energy in a path dictated by faith? I will gladly go where evidence is there to guide me because I know I only have one shot in life and I don't want to get to 75 years old and realize I have "put my life on hold" because I have been wrong in my beliefs. I am comfortable getting to 75 years old knowing i have lived and I did not find the right beliefs because I have decided that the purpose of my life is to live it.
Good luck.
Donkey