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EACH DAY I MAKE A MARK ON THE WALL TO KEEP COUNT OF MY CONFINEMENT IN THIS DUNGEON
It's ironic. It would be funny if the consequences weren’t so tragic.
Once I was a guard. I mistakenly believed I was protecting those under "my care." Now I realize that I was actually confining them.
- Rather than keeping danger out, I was keeping innocent ones in.
- Rather than keeping anyone safe, I was holding them hostage.
- Rather than giving freedom, I was taking it away.
I was so good at my job that in time I was made a Prince.
Af first, the honor swelled my head, filling me with a sense of pride based on illusions and falsehoods. That soon passed.
I studied the doctrines of the priests seeking to excel all others. This was not based on a desire for personal prominence, although that certainly came, but only to be pleasing to my God. I simply wanted to be the best.
As I progressed I came to find inconsistencies and inaccuracies in our doctrines and teachings. For the longest time I kept these to myself. The more I progressed toward the inner circles of power the more lies and hypocrisy I discovered. Eventually I saw that this was true even at the highest levels.
I was devastated! Everything I held dear was based on falsehoods. Corruption and lies, cover-ups and revisionist history were everywhere.
I had been lied to by those I trusted! I had been betrayed!
I didn't know what to do. I thought I was going insane, but then I realized that the insanity was not mine, but came from the twisted minds of those that devised these false doctrines, these incoherent, inconsistent and illogical beliefs based on wishful thinking and a maniacal grab for power. Truth had been sacrificed on the altar of greed.
I traced the lies and hypocrisy from the bottom of the organization all the way up to the upper echelons of power. But this is not the way the corruption flowed. I followed the river from its outlet to the headwaters, I followed it to its source: the corruption originated from the top and flowed downwards. These were not the promised "waters of truth," it was a polluted river of lies and manipulative language deliberately designed to control and abuse all those that drank from its tainted waters.
My confusion turned to outrage. My outrage became resolve. At first I was paralyzed by fear, unable to act upon my suppressed anger. Eventually I could not contain these powerful emotions any longer. I began to change, to no longer toe the party line.
At first these changes were small and they went unnoticed by all around me. I quit spouting certain slogans of propaganda. Initially I was terrified that everyone would notice my crimes of omission, but surprisingly no one did. Or if they did, no one said anything. Perhaps some were like me; perhaps some had come to know of the deceptions and lies, but they too were afraid to speak.
How ironic, and tragically so. We claimed to have "The Truth," but we were actually spreading error and lies. Any that knew better were desperately afraid to speak the real truth, exposing lies and error for fear of being cast out, labeled an "apostate" and cut off from everyone we know and love.
In time, my "transgressions" began bigger, bolder. And still, surprisingly, no one knew!
Eventually, I committed the ultimate heresy: I began to think for myself.
My actions ultimately led me to this place where I now am. The details are a story of a fallen hero, or perhaps it is of a rising one. I suppose it depends on your particular point of view.
Maybe I shall share them at another time. But to this I will confess: I am a criminal, it is true. My crimes are thoughtcrimes, the highest form of treason there is; they are crimes which are unforgivable. And so here I am suffering the ultimate punishment for my sins. I am a condemned man, locked up in my oubliette.
It is a place of forgetting, but not for me. I remember everything perfectly, too perfectly perhaps. Every tiny detail is vivid and fresh in my mind. No it is a place of forgetting for those that sent me here. In time, their memories will re-write the story of their lives and mine. All that both was and is good about me will be forgotten. If I am remembered at all, it will be a fabrication custom made to fit their distorted view of reality. They cannot recall me as I am for to do so would be to admit their own delusions. This is something they cannot do; they cannot be honest with themselves about themselves.
And as they tell each other these false stories, re-writing history as they do, they will in time come to replace reality with their fantasies. In time they will actually believe their lies are true. Each time they speak of it to one another they reinforce their delusions.
This is the way the human mind works when one is confronted with unpleasant facts. It is usually easier to believe a convenient lie than an uncomfortable truth.
- - - - - - - -
It is night now. The moon is rising. Just two days ago I believe it was full. It's so hard to tell. I can see it's light from the window high in my prison wall, but I cannot see its luminous face.
It is getting late. I am tired. I will sleep for a while. When I rise tomorrow I will make another scratch in the stone wall of my oubliette, this cold place that has become my home.
