Sorry for your situation and hope you find a treatment. But yeah like many here it's hard to believe in a creator with all the shit going on. I think the tsunami that hit Indonesia was the start of me really waking up.
In my personal life my oldest child developed a condition known as one of the two most painful conditions ever. Seeing this and seeing a child close to death at times is excruciating. A god of love would never do this or not step in a fix it. The fastest way a person or deity can earn love is to do something positive. The fact that people have to make excuses for why their god is never there when they need him is proof to me that he doesn't exist or if he does he doesn't care.