Many of my feelings have already been commented on by others. CommitteeChairman, look at my opening posts on this forum, to see my experiences, as it may help to see that you are definitely not alone.
Sadly, over the years, we have been trained to accept the fact that a measure of a man's "spirituality", and character is defined by the titles and "privledges" that have been bestowed upon. When the time comes to call into balance the amount of mental and physical work that can actually and realistically be done, and we consider either giving up or cutting back on titles and responsibilities... we find ourselves in a state of confusion, shock, and panic.
We think to ourselves.."how can I even think of 'stepping down', I will no longer be a spiritual man?!" And so the internal fight rages on.
The REAL reality, is that you CAN'T do it all. I know, I have been in your position. And to reiterate what many have already mentioned... it doesnt seem to EVER let up! The more you do, the more is expected of you, until you start to crack. The faster you run, the faster the wheel turns. If YOU don't crack, your family will.
Personally, as soon as I saw that happening.... when my wife would be in tears after a meeting, the kids didnt want to go anymore, and ALL my spare time was wrapped up in "spiritual responsibilities"..... I took a step back. My family was more important than anything else. Even for myself, I could feel the effects on me physically and emotionally. I started to lose sleep, was drinking more, especially after meetings, to try and calm down. I didnt dare miss a meeting, or field service, for fear of being "looked down upon" as weak or "not measureing up".
It was a defining moment when I decided that I had had enough, and that my family and my health was more important than a title and a job. I REFUSED to believe that the measure of MY character was to be dictated by how many hours I got each month, or what my title was, or what "theocratic responsibilities" I covered. No sir, they are NOT privledges, they are WORK.
I prayed and prayed and prayed.... I took the CO out in service alone to talk about it........ and all I got was the standard response..."you need to be BUSIER in theocratic activities, rely FULLY on Jehovah, and you will be BLESSED! Obviously, you are not doing enough! The more you do, the more JOY will be found!" I stood there agast, and it was right then that I knew I was done serving as an elder. I would NEVER measure up to human standards.
Yes, my congregation began treating me and my family as if we had done something wrong. The gossip raged like a flaming fire, my fellow "brothers", elders, suddenly treated me like I had sold out, as if I was a traitor. They stopped using me for everything, like I needed to be "put in my place" for being so selfish. To this day, I get the "priviledge" of running the sound booth once in a while. Or giving a bible reading. I have given 1 prayer after a meeting in 2 1/2 years. That's it, suddenly I am a lesser man in their eyes, no better than the average 13 year old boy. All this, only weeks after being RBC key man, School Overseer, and Secretary. Honestly, it broke my heart a little. But I soldiered on, and am a better person for it. I don't let people walk on me, I dont care who they are. I havent really changed, I am a moral man, a man of my word, a man of good character, honest, faithful, and if anything I find myself actually beginning to enjoy my family, to enjoy life more. No "clipboard running", no elders meeting, no judicial meetings, nothing. If I dont make it to the meeting, no biggie. No one cares, no one judges (any more than they already do).
Yes, honestly, for me, giving up a title and the HUGE amount of work that came with it was a tough one, it was a mental struggle. It was gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, and gave me fits, even to tears. But the benefits have been enourmous. NOW I can finally be the husband and father I need to be, and that I want to be, without trying so hard to please PEOPLE. I can be ME.
But no matter what you decide to do, do what's best for YOU, and for your FAMILY. Don't let everyone else define you. Don't let an abstract vision and convoluted interpretation of the definition of a "spiritual man",by other imperfect and often stupid men, dictate who you are.
