Life in Flux, Self-Reflection, and the Bible

by losingit in

jw
friends

it has been at least 2 years since i posted, and for the most part, i believe, i left this site on a happy note.

i had moved on from the drama and confusion that transitioning out of being a jw and into the world meant.

i was building a happy life with my children.

losingit

Hello Everyone,

It has been at least 2 years since I posted, and for the most part, I believe, I left this site on a happy note. I had moved on from the drama and confusion that transitioning out of being a JW and into the world meant. I was building a happy life with my children. I established a career for myself that provides meaning. I started dating. I made new friends. This site played an instrumental role in helping me to move on and start anew.

I find myself thinking about old Bible texts again.For the past several weeks, many things I learned while in the Watchtower as a Witness have come back to mind. I wouldn't say that any of it is doctrine related. I never really held onto those strange beliefs anyway, even when I was a Witness. Many of the principles about how to be a good person, a good Christian, are popping back into my life. And, to be honest, I am thankful, so very appreciative, that I have the Bible as a foundation to turn to now that things are back in flux.

I must make a decision soon, either to stay in my current relationship or leave, but I must make it from a peaceful place, a powerful place, a place from wisdom and knowledge and insight. I've stopped talking to my friends about my problems. In fact, I have retreated from many of those, what now feel like, superficial relationships. I stopped going to happy hour. I no longer want to drink, although sometimes I do succumb. I started seeing a therapist. I like that she tells me to trust and be my Wise me. I've decided to stop talking to my parents about what's going on. I feel pressured to make decisions I am not ready to make. I feel pressured, and I don't believe I have explored all of my options and done everything possible to improve things. I have mastery over my work. I started going to the gym. I started taking flamenco lessons. I am turning into myself and towards my children. I want to be alone, more than anything else, in order to think and find myself again.

I don't know what I will find being here again, in this community. I am an ex-JW for many years now, and I resolved and removed many of the issues and distorted lies the JWs implanted in my soul. I seek love, honor, integrity, intimacy, and a deeper connection to the universe through my relationships and my inner core. I thought about writing a blog, about starting a Bible study for myself, to find self-understanding and become centered. I don't want to avoid the truth of my situation, but I do want to examine it more closely to make sure all avenues have been explored.

Hello, again, everyone. I am looking forward to where we go next.

Galatians 5:22-23, for example. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law."

Ephesians 4:31-32. "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and railing, be put away from you, with all malice: and be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ forgave you."

Proverbs 31:10-31 (I won't cite the whole thing since it's so long.)

31

The fade did not work

by BeautifulMind in

not long after learning ttatt, my hubby and i decided it would be best for us to fade.

his entire family is in, but not in the same cong.

we made it to the region convention and one sunday meeting after that.

losingit

I remember when I started waking up on my own.... I went to the District Convention with an armful of readings from my graduate school class, and I was determined not to fall behind just because I was at the Convention. It was such a terrible experience because my husband thought I was being so disrespectful and the people around me were just sneering at me! I mean, c'mon-- what of worth is said during the Convention? And how much of it is non-stop repetition? I was DONE, DONE, DONE. I didn't really know, though, that I was "waking up." I just couldn't take the BS anymore!

It's true, the weekends are so sweet now. I remember when I first started purposely NOT going out in service on Saturdays. Before I had excuses, but then I decided that I wouldn't even make up these excuses for myself. I wanted to stay in with the girls and sleep, watch TV, make a big breakfast. I didn't want to think about the excuses, coming up with a list of them. I just wanted to give my children a typical Saturday morning, and I did! We watched Qubo TV children's programming, ate French Toast and eggs, played outside in the backyard.

Now, the simple beauty of weekends is kinda sorta fading. I guess because I am so exhausted from work now. But, I still try to enjoy the outdoors with the girls. They have Cross Country and soccer games. We have chili and soup and all types of yumminess to eat on the weekends. We bake and wash clothes. It feels *normal*. It's nice.

14

help me to readjust my thinking about my hypocritical ex....

by losingit in

i am really struggling with this particular situation in my life, and i really need your help to readjust my thinking.

i am recently divorced from my ex-jw husband.

we were both disfellowshipped at around the same time about 2-3years ago.

losingit

I am really struggling with this particular situation in my life, and i really need your help to readjust my thinking.

I am recently divorced from my ex-jw husband. we were both disfellowshipped at around the same time about 2-3years ago. many things happened towards the end of the marriage, but what really caused the downfall was me waking up. i had not been exposed to the ttatt until after i was disfellowshipped, but i was rebelling against "the truth" in major ways. i was sick of the misogyny, the hypocrisy, how they looked down upon education (i was getting my Master's degree), their judgmentalism. I was sick of the elders, the pioneer sisters, the attitude towards preaching and helping non-jws. really, i was only a witness by name bc i disagreed with almost every major teaching once i started taking my grad school classes again.

anyways, in terms of the marriage, i was sick of him managing our finances HORRIBLY-- he'd buy cars without telling me, he'd buy trucks for the business without consulting me, he'd go golfing almost every day. I was sick of him questioning me about my education and work goals, telling me i was a bad mother (and implying it in front of our girls) bc i was going to classes at night. (i was a stay-at-home mom). I was also sick of the fact that whenever I made plans for us, he'd cancel them bc something more important always came up (this happened twice on our anniversary two years in a row.) we couldn't do anything bc it was "bad" so no going out to go dancing, he'd give me a guilt trip about oral sex afterwards, no holidays (obviously), no going out to anything fun bc it was always a goddamn meeting night! i was miserable.

so now we are divorced and no longer members of the organization............. and since our separation the man has made it a mission to do EVERYTHING i wanted to do with him while married. he has a goatee (which i used to love and he'd always shave), he goes out dancing and drinking, he travels now (whenever i wanted to we never had the money), he goes hiking (which when we were together he also never had time for), and of course, he has A RACK OF FRIENDS that are NOT JWS!!!!!!!!!!!!! (my grad school friends were a bad influence, i couldn't have any friends that were parents from my daughters' preschool and elementary schools, but the sisters in the congregation never thought to include me in anything)

while we were together, all i wanted to do was do stuff together WITH HIM. but now that we are separated, he goes out and does everything on the list i wanted to do! he goes to concerts! he goes boating, kayaking. he is living it up, but when we were together, when i would say-- i am not happy being a witness, i don't want to be a witness anymore, let's please just do what we would like to do and live our lives.......... he'd run off to the meeting!

So please tell me WHY WHY WHY this man could not do for me in these ways while we were married. he won't even answer the question. i feel like he's the biggest hypocrite in town!

and also, i will add-- he disappeared for about a year from my girls' lives while he was out getting his head together bc of the separation (according to him.) so of course, i couldn't go out, i couldn't go dancing, hiking, boating, kayaking. i couldn't go to concerts, etc bc I HAD THE GIRLS! i literally COULD NOT DO ANYTHING bc i knew noone since all of my friends were gone and i wasn't about to leave my girls with strangers for babysitters! i STILL have no friends, by the way, but at least i have a full-time permanent job with benefits. now i can do stuff, but i tend to do family things, not go out dancing or anything bc i am just too broke.................

my ex-husband cannot answer me when i confront him about this topic. he is mute, just mute. and i want to understand so that i can move on. i think understanding will help me move on.......

109

The Confederate Flag

by Simon in

the latest controversy over the confederate flag just sums up to me the state of dysfunction that exists in american society.. in summary: a white supremacist nutter shoots 9 black people dead in a church.

he's clearly inspired by the messages of others which the confederate flag is often a symbol of.. it seems like a no-brainer to remove it.

not only isn't it removed, it isn't even lowered at all as a mark of respect.. and of course now there are the people who want to defend their right to have it.

losingit

The other day, not too long ago, I saw someone pull into the parking lot in their pickup truck with 2 huge Confederate flags waving in the back. On the bumper, they had 2 stickers-- "Don't Tread on Me"... you know, that flag with the snake. I am a person of color-- I ran the hell out of that area. I was scared. My gut reaction to that flag, and anyone remotely associated with it, is fear. It astounds me that there are people so comfortable waving a symbol that inspires fear in others.

42

The Reason Why Jehovah's Witnesses Will Never Prosper Is The Children

by minimus in

jw
friends

i believe that the religion will remain stagnant due to their achilles heel, the kids, the children, that next generation.. most of them really don't wa t to be in the religion.

the parents may have tried everything within their power to make the kids love jehovah but we all know you can't force someone to love you and you can't make a grown person stay in a relationship or situation if they really don't want to be there..

losingit

I am not a child, but it was my month-long exposure to people from all of the 50 states of the US while I was taking a grad-school course that *really* opened my eyes and helped me to wake up. I left that course exhilarated about my life and all of its possibilities! But then my ex-husband just shut my ambition down, or at least he tried.

JW teens that go to college away from home and finally taste the freedom of making their own decisions will leave. They will leave. It's almost as if you have no other choice. Your mind just compels you to leave. Your heart compels you to leave. It's a force not worth fighting against, like a kayak on white water rapids. You have to figure out how to navigate those raging waters. It's possible. But so hard. Had I known about this community before I entered those raging waters, I believe I would have made different life choices. I hope jw teens are able to find the support system they need to get the hell out when they enter that stage in their life.

50

If The Witnesses Try To Get You Back To Jehovah...How Will You Respond!

by minimus in

jw
friends

i am most curious.

losingit

I used to say, "I never left Jehovah."

But now, I don't even care to say that! It's not "The Truth," and I knew it in my gut for a long time. Yes, sometimes I reminisce about my family life back then. But I was not free to be me. And it's hard to live life when being authentic and true to self is considered Satanic.

I wouldn't even waste my breath on a question like that. The diatribe is pointless for a JW. Maybe someone who has never been a JW, I might explain why I would never return. But to a JW?! Hahahaha pointless! I would simply look at them, roll my eyes, and walk away.

8

Thoughts on My Exit

by losingit in

jw
friends

it has been some time since i last posted or even visited the site, and i wondered why that was.

life continued to be difficult without a network of friends to look forward to seeing.

the novelty of being disfellowshipped wore off, and the mundane advanced as it did every day.

losingit

Yah-- definitely Village Idiot. I am done with that chick.

8

Thoughts on My Exit

by losingit in

jw
friends

it has been some time since i last posted or even visited the site, and i wondered why that was.

life continued to be difficult without a network of friends to look forward to seeing.

the novelty of being disfellowshipped wore off, and the mundane advanced as it did every day.

losingit

It has been some time since I last posted or even visited the site, and I wondered why that was. Life continued to be difficult without a network of friends to look forward to seeing. The novelty of being disfellowshipped wore off, and the mundane advanced as it did every day. Taking the girls to school, wondering how I was going to pay for their new clothes and field trips, calculating every penny-- none of it changed.

What did change? I finally finished my teaching internship requirements. I met some really wonderful children at the summer school where I was assigned. I got there every morning, with my pregnant belly in my 2nd trimester, so happy to be working with these kids, so happy that I still fit in my summer dresses, so happy to complete the work required of me, so happy to be supported by an experienced teaching mentor and a very "real" cooperating teacher. It was a thrilling summer.

I had my baby girl in November. Such a strong and curious baby girl. When she was in my belly, I felt her kicks and stretches in the middle of the night. I could feel her hand glide across the inner surface of my womb. She refused to show her face in every single sonogram, her hand hiding her cute little nose. Her legs, crossed, in constant movement, made it clear that she had places to go, people to see, and being unborn was not going to stop her!

Maybe I am the only one, but I truly enjoy being in the maternity ward. The silence at night with the baby in my room, the both of us alone, new to each other, face to face. The pain from the C-section hardly ever deters me from getting up for just a few minutes to wander about, to feel the stillness, the freshness of new life. There is nothing better than those four days. They are sacred.

Today, I picked up my cap, gown, and hood for my May Master's in Education graduation ceremony. All three girls were in tow. We scooped up what I needed, had lunch in the cafeteria, and headed for cupcakes just a few blocks away. I parked in two different places in the city and managed to *not* get a ticket! A win for me!

The reason why I am back here on this site is simple: religious beliefs are soon going to be examined in my divorce proceedings, and I recently decided to no longer be friends with "Hannah." For some reason, these two events triggered the insecurities I felt when I was freshly disfellowshipped.

"Hannah", if anyone remembers, was a friend I truly questioned being friends with. A single mom, who left her children with her alcoholic, drug-addict, ex-husband. who was deeply entrenched in an adulterous affair of 3-years-length with a longtime childhood friend... this was Hannah. I chose to put those things aside because, hey! who am I to judge? Unfortunately, Hannah made the mistake of bringing her married boyfriend to my apartment when she was babysitting my dogs and had sex in my bed. How do I know? She joked about it in front of me-- and I found a pair of her panties in my bed when I got home! She also made the mistake of pilfering through my things to finally find my girls' money box in their bedroom. Sure, she replaced the money and some and confessed to it on her own. And I let it go, at first. But both things wore at me so much over time that I just literally stopped texting, calling, messaging on fb. I stopped answering her calls, stopped responding altogether. I was done, and I didn't even bother to offer any explanation. She recently unfriended me and blocked me on FB.

Finally, having to think about Jehovah's Witnesses again, and my ex-husband, and my girls. I. Just. Can't. I haven't prayed before a meal in such a long time. I lost the urge to even visit a Unitarian Universalist church. My girls celebrated Halloween for the first time last October, trick or treating on three separate occasions! Christmas came to our family for the second year in a row. To even start thinking about the blood issue again.... But it's necessary. And I need to bring it up to the judge.

17

Without You

by compound complex in

jw
friends

i dreamed, once again, you were at my side talking, laughing, loving.

the sun warmed my face and you my heart as we lived a life forever.. i awoke with a start that left behind the land of our past, viewing my today for the misery and sadness that, truly, it is and ever shall be.. is it better to live in the land of dreams with the one i love or to exist alone and awake, recalling the dark intent that poisoned your heart?.

.

losingit

A poem that describes how i sometimes feel about my ex

10

facebook-- Humans of New York (HONY)

by losingit in

jw
friends

right there, featured on facebook on hony's page... jehovah's witnesses.

posted link to this site and to jwfacts.

im sure i'll get some hate messages.

losingit

The non FB edition of HONY:

http://www.humansofnewyork.com/post/103749756011/whats-your-favorite-thing-about-your-mom#notes

losingit

Posts by losingit

Proverbs 31:10-31 (I won't cite the whole thing since it's so long.)