Posts by hollowheart

20

The grass is not always greener

by hollowheart in

jw
friends

i have posted only a couple of times and remain a little elusive.

it is not because i dont want to mingle but more when i want to post on a little of my story, the words i want to write seem to mass with events and moments that are so overwhelming i cannot function anymore.

i get so writing my post before my heart seems to shudder, i get a pain in my core that removes any words i want to write, and at this point i log off........ i am 31 and it seems like yesterday i was among my "best friends" in the congregation, tim, steve, and mark.

hollowheart

Id best continue before i lose this courage i have somehow.

First i need to clarify the things i have done i am at times deeply upset by, people i have pushed away and things i have chosen to do.

I scrambled into the phonebooth leaving my black bin bags full of clothes on the pavement, hesitating i wondered of a way out of this (As a result of this moment i learnt survival and bushcraft vowing never to be stranded like this again not much use for the city but little did i know it was for the shoulders of giants i was destined) , I picked up the telephone and dailed the number of my parents. My heart was in my mouth and time went on forever until my mum answered . I had a small speech rehearsed in my mind but all that came out was tears, uncontrallable tears.

I was looking for car headlights and around an hour later they appeared, my fathers car drove past further down. i can still see the light in the car showing a map in my fathers hand, he turned up my road and i flagged him down.

"sorry dad" i mumbled, "it's not me but your mother you should be saying that to."he replied. Silence for the rest of the journey.

I will cut a long story here, and three weeks followed of meeting attendance where i was wrapped in cotton wool by those in the congregation, my privledges were removed from before so meetings were slow and laborious. I was still working in the same city as where my father collected me and at a company where i had many smiles directed my way from the receptionist, Infact it was that woman who talked me out of the mistake i was due to make with lisa.

One afternoon i was aware she had been in hospital so after finding her address was near work i went to visit during my lunch break. It was the same day as my judicial hearing which i was hinted i was not getting disfellowshipped by a rather loving elder who had held me as a baby so long as i was repentant.

I met the receptionist called sara, bunch of flowers and teddy in hand....I had ran like the wind to her home as lunch was short and got there with beads of sweat running down my forehead much to her amusement...She was very attractive but also seemed caring to.

In the end she asked if she could arrange a lift home for me later that day in exchange to spend more time with her, a call to my boss with some story telling authorised this.

It had been a routine procedure and sara was well enough to drive me home herself, infact she was intent. On the journey home it was comfortable and again the "truth" slipped away, For the first time in a while i was again making a friend, i was thirsty for curing this lonely feeling and emptiness of the truth and home. We pulled up near my home and sara looked at me, she explained feelings for me and would like to "date" with me...........

Arriving at the hall i knew what i had to say to the elders to remain with family and or with a roof over my head as my mum was still deeply hurt with me, Three men shook my hand and began a short prayer, I felt sick with confusion but still in control, sara was still in my mind though, how could i date a non believer??? it was impossible to go down that road.

The elders asked if i was repentant to which i answered "yes", With smiles they showed a few more scriptures and began to wrap up the meeting between us. I had escaped something a feared so much, disfellowshipping was the stuff of nightmares. Just before closing in prayer one of the elders asked if i had anything else to add?? ..................Then at that moment a strange bravery came over me, "yes" i replied.....

speak with you guys tomorrow for a longer post xx

20

The grass is not always greener

by hollowheart in

jw
friends

i have posted only a couple of times and remain a little elusive.

it is not because i dont want to mingle but more when i want to post on a little of my story, the words i want to write seem to mass with events and moments that are so overwhelming i cannot function anymore.

i get so writing my post before my heart seems to shudder, i get a pain in my core that removes any words i want to write, and at this point i log off........ i am 31 and it seems like yesterday i was among my "best friends" in the congregation, tim, steve, and mark.

hollowheart

Okay search4truth,

I am not only touched by the replies to this but more so comforted. I managed to tell the therapists up to this point but afterwards it got so deep and frightening that it was impossible to explain, if permitted i would appreciate continuing further with my experience.

Its not for limelight, but this a first...being able to reveal the deepest innermost memories but also ones that harness my body with fear.

Im going to settle down and continue in a few minutes or so....

love to all

20

The grass is not always greener

by hollowheart in

jw
friends

i have posted only a couple of times and remain a little elusive.

it is not because i dont want to mingle but more when i want to post on a little of my story, the words i want to write seem to mass with events and moments that are so overwhelming i cannot function anymore.

i get so writing my post before my heart seems to shudder, i get a pain in my core that removes any words i want to write, and at this point i log off........ i am 31 and it seems like yesterday i was among my "best friends" in the congregation, tim, steve, and mark.

hollowheart

Hi tylinbrando,

I finished school at 16, i suppose it makes it even worse. memories are vivid but years hazy but i remember it all well...so much happened in som months that if i tried to say what i had done and who with then it would sound impossible.

Nicki was the careers adviser, she taught us for around 3 months just prior to leaving.

sammy; im not a witness anymore, but that wasnt my last with the witnessesall together, far far worse happened later on.

20

The grass is not always greener

by hollowheart in

jw
friends

i have posted only a couple of times and remain a little elusive.

it is not because i dont want to mingle but more when i want to post on a little of my story, the words i want to write seem to mass with events and moments that are so overwhelming i cannot function anymore.

i get so writing my post before my heart seems to shudder, i get a pain in my core that removes any words i want to write, and at this point i log off........ i am 31 and it seems like yesterday i was among my "best friends" in the congregation, tim, steve, and mark.

hollowheart

Hello mr. flipper,

I really appreciate asking how i am, I am coming to the end of the journey. It seems i cannot be alone, but now am only happy when i am alone.

I dont mean to talk in a riddle, i would say every other day i wish to take my own life but i am not depressed, heart broken over the last ten years.

What you have read so far is nothing compared to what is coming later on in my posts, providing i am not annoying anyone. i must stress i do not want attention, just to give any young ones insight and hope they take small steps on reaching greener grass away from jehovahs witnesses.

I spent the last year living in a tent amongst gypsy's, they were kind enough to allow me on their camp with my 4 polecats, i pitched on the river bank. I had temporary relief there as i trained in bushcraft and nature is my kin. As far from people as possible, not because of them but because of how the events rebounding from jehovahs witnesses has shaped me..

The nagging of comforting embrace soon rears its head, and recentley i embarked on a relationship. Deep down i know i will never lead a normal life. i miss my family so badly.

I have to go, Im not on my own just now. i do send love to all. x

20

The grass is not always greener

by hollowheart in

jw
friends

i have posted only a couple of times and remain a little elusive.

it is not because i dont want to mingle but more when i want to post on a little of my story, the words i want to write seem to mass with events and moments that are so overwhelming i cannot function anymore.

i get so writing my post before my heart seems to shudder, i get a pain in my core that removes any words i want to write, and at this point i log off........ i am 31 and it seems like yesterday i was among my "best friends" in the congregation, tim, steve, and mark.

hollowheart

Hi again all,

Short breaks inbetween, they could be a few hours or a day or two i dont know...there is a moral to this, and i guess i talk for many where an event has caught them unaware......i would like any youthful ones never to go through what i have the last 12 years. I thought doing what i am would either get me removed from the forum but it is worth it if only one young one learns from this who is involved with jehovahs witnesses.

Where i am if you climb one of the mountains without planning it will likely give you a life long injury.

I arrived on the carpark to the center, i was in turmoil. Just could not put a handle on what i was doing, against jehovah and the devious meeting of this woman which would devastate my parents, I just could not stop what i was doing, i was mesmorised by this woman and as bad as it was me not long one of her pupils it did not matter. for the record she was 28 years old. As many know, attention of the opposite sex is deeply frowned upon unless marriage is the intent, leading to many young ones in thier late teens deeply confused withing Jw society.

Her car pulled up on the car park, walking over i hugged her but slightly reserved. I got in the car and she started the journey to her home.

Nervously on arrival i entered the tall apartment building, there was a faint pleasant smell, and the smell inside the building will never leave me. Climbing the stairs we entered her apartment.........................

I did not want want that moment ever to end, she lay with her head on my chest....I cannot describe what went on, it is not appropriate, i think my heart would bleed itself dry if i were to try.

She dropped me home in the evening, not late but late enough for my mother to check my alibi to know i had lied, i covered it with yet another lie and went to my room. It was done, i had to get away from my parents house.

The next evening after an uncomfortable day with my mum it was time to go to the meeting, "i dont want to go" i said "you are going whether you like it or not" my mother replied....I knew not to argue and got ready, i spent the whole meeting my head bowed and still on a high from nicki.

When we arrived home i had all i could take, i put on two pairs of trousers, three shirts and two jumpers. that will keep me going i thought.

I went out for a walk and called nicki from a pay phone, she came and picked me up... I could not explain to her about the "truth" as i called it then as it just did not matter, all that mattered was my time with her.

Three days had passed, and staying with nicki was like three days on morphine.....I was petrified of my parents, jehovah and the organisation yet i had not one thought of them whilst with nicki. Then the inevitable happened, she advised i go home. I could not begin to find the words to describe how i felt on that journey home. I arrived home to be greeted by my mum, no hostility just mum. It is perhaps my saddest memory of how i must have worried them and hurt them yet she was refraining from going too hard on me. I said i had stayed with a worldy friend and that was all, before i knew it two elders were knocking the door.....i told lie after lie so as not to get into trouble or be disfellowshipped, and at face value took there sheparding.

I then contacted tim in the next few days who was disfellowshipped, and made my break to go and live with him. I had left no trace of where i was and enjoyed peace and quiet seeing nicki often and being free. Then one evening she called saying it was over, no explanation..........nothing

I was surplus to requirements, it was almost like mission accomplished by satan? 4 weeks ago a happy brother and now a fornicator and living with a disfellowshipped brother..

It turns out nicki was married all the time she declared her undying love for me. I lived a sketchy life for a few weeks with tim before being dropped back home again.....this time i had a thirst for the warm loving embrace of a woman....

Two weeks after being home with my parents and meeting attendance that was unbearable i went to visit a studying person, when i arrived at his home he had a bible tape playing. How i ended up in a night club that evening with him i do not know, but the inevitable happened and we both went back with two females. In the morning i knew i had gone too far, and i knew i never wanted to stop being held in an embrace. All my pain of being alone stopped, i could not bear being lonely any longer as a jehovahs witness and at my parents home.

I called my mum who this time went to town on me, i hung up. Lisa the girl i had stayed with said i could stay with her...she was around 8 years older than me, had two young children. She had browning teeth and a poor physique and smoked very heavily...it didnt matter though as i was not alone so i lied about my age and pursued a romance with her..........8 months later our wedding was two weeks away, she by this time knew my real age and had excepted it.

I was in turmoil though as i knew i could not bear marriage to her and was doing it for fear of being alone as the disfellowshipping was now imminent if i returned home and that was something that petrified me.

One evening i got out of bed, lisa was sleeping as tears rolled down my cheeks. I had to tell her, so i wrote a letter to her from down stairs saying i wanted to cancel the wedding. I had nowhere to go, and to this day do not know what response i wanted from her upon reading it.

2am I awoke her and gave her the letter, i waited at the end of the bed as she read it.

30 minutes later i walked onto the street with two bin bags full of my clothes, i had nowhere to go. nobody. I was young, scared and confused.

After walking the streets I made the call around 3:30am to my parents house 20 miles away in floods of tears.

This is where my journey really begins, and what i used to call a nightmare i would gladly have as a dream this day as a result.

TBC

20

The grass is not always greener

by hollowheart in

jw
friends

i have posted only a couple of times and remain a little elusive.

it is not because i dont want to mingle but more when i want to post on a little of my story, the words i want to write seem to mass with events and moments that are so overwhelming i cannot function anymore.

i get so writing my post before my heart seems to shudder, i get a pain in my core that removes any words i want to write, and at this point i log off........ i am 31 and it seems like yesterday i was among my "best friends" in the congregation, tim, steve, and mark.

hollowheart

Hello to all,

I have posted only a couple of times and remain a little elusive. It is not because i dont want to mingle but more when i want to post on a little of my story, the words i want to write seem to mass with events and moments that are so overwhelming i cannot function anymore. I get so writing my post before my heart seems to shudder, I get a pain in my core that removes any words i want to write, and at this point i log off.......

I am 31 and it seems like yesterday i was among my "best friends" in the congregation, Tim, steve, and mark. I was 15 and can still smell steves aftershave as he walked in the hall. Within 6 months i was on my own as they had all left the truth leaving me alone and banned from contact with them.

A few months later, december 20th 1998 i stood up in a hall of 1500 people puzzled as to why nobody else had stood......I was unique?

The speaker asked me to raise my voice answering the baptism questions so all 1500 could hear my answers, shaking with the deafening silence i walked to the front door and began to get changed.

The water was warm and the time submersed seemed to last for minutes, when i broke the surface the roar of applause was almost too much.

Hugs, kisses and well done's for the next 4 hours that is apart from my father who merely said the amount of applause was due to the brothers and sisters knowing it was an early dinner as i was the only one baptised.

School was an odd mixture of bullying and being lonely. The only highlight was one particular teacher, the one where the boys were rendered speachless when she walked in the class room.....including myself, i was 15 and utterley mesmorised by this womans beauty, i remember her eyes were more powerful than any enchanting story i had ever read or any sundown i had witnessed.. her name was nicki

I had come back from the meeting one sunday and took off fishing, i had been left school around four months by this time. I was fishing without concern with catching as i just loved bing outside, it was not long after the air changed and everything became still. I had though i had hooked weed as the real jammed with a bump, Then after a few minutes of heaving the rod this way and that, it was at the moment i was going to go for break that the line took on its own life......

It was my biggest fish to date, and i could not wait to get down the path to tell my parents. It was a meal tonight with a few brothers and sisters and one of my sisters who had briefly come back into my life, little did i realise it was going to be the last ever meal with my parents and any brothers or sisters.

We had finished the meal when there was a knock at the door which my mother promptly answered, She came back in telling me in a rather surprised but gentle voice that it was for me.. I had no callers anymore as i had lost my friends so i was a little confused, when i opened the door my skin tingled, the hair on my neck became charged ....."hi, i hope you dont mind but i was just passing and thought id call in to see how life outside school was?" It was nicki, the school teacher.

My mother gave her tea and i chatted with her still confused but now alone in the living room, after a while i walked her up the path to her car where she gave me a hug and asked me before she left to jump in her car and listen to a peice of music she loved.

As i listened she leaned over to me and in words i cant explain placed her lips on my mine in the most passionate but tender way imaginable.

"meet me at the garden center tomorow at 1pm" and with that drove away. I walked back down the path, my legs were drunk. I was nervous my parents would have seen even though the car had been concealed by the large hedge at the top of our path. As i opened the door the house was alive with "good association" and i cast a glance to my mum who smiled and said "ok?" somehow i kept it together and answered "yeah fine"

As i lay on my bed my head spun with the words "its normally in the first 12 months after baptism you are tempted with a large test of faith" And it had to be a test as this teacher had hardly had any interaction with me at school, i was the innocent one of the class, who did not swear and was polite.

I longed for my old friends of the congregation and i replayed the events of the evening over and over and over, before i knew it i had lain awake all night and 1pm was coming quickly yet slowly enough for me to want to grab the hands of time turning them forward.

It was the start of journey to where the grass was going to be greener..............

Tbc

26

tell me not to cry...

by losingit in

jw
friends

after more than a month of not attending the meetings, my girls will be returning to the meeting tomorrow.

their father is taking them.

i was so happy because my girls were free from the boredom, drudgery and mind control inflicted upon those that attend.

hollowheart

hi there,

Crying is our coping mechanism, dont feel bad.

I am 30 years old and was removed from the congregation at 17, i fell in love with a "worldly person". The worldly person dumped me in the end.

What i want to say is the last 13 years have been a life of contemplating suicide daily, breaking peoples hearts and breaking my own...living in dark rooms with candles on contemplating my death at armaggedon and longing for the warmth of the congregation....or control. being in relationships and drivn to tears at christmas or birthdays....destroying my own good fortune as whats the point? i am going to die at armaggedon possibly tomorrow.....waking up in hospital, lonely and cold....then explaining to psychiatrists who sit looking out of their depth when revelation is mentioned.............

Lat year i read crisisof concience by raymond franz shattering my view of the "truth". so where am i now? i lostmy youth of cracked ribs through bullying, being taken to knock doors at birth, crying later on with my nerves when my parents put a postit note on the magazines so i know what to say when the door opens on the ministry......crying at my peers tormenting me JOVO!! JOVO!!

Now where am i? no longer part of the world, no longer part of "truth" .....Just bleeding everyday, mourning those i love and miss so dearly, those who cross the road when they see me...those who are .......my family...

Do you want your young ones like this x