Let me briefly explain my back-story: I grew up in a JW household and was technically a JW until 20 years old. I stopped attending meetings in 1998 and told my parents I was done in 1999. I'm not sure where I saw my future when I was 19 but I know for a fact I didn't see myself as a "Witness" then. I hated the hypocrisy and the extreme gossip. I also noticed how the Dogma for JWs is even more severe than the Dogma of the Catholic religion. I saw too much that didn't mesh with my critical thinking mind and I could not hang on any more.
I'm sure what happened next is not isolated to just my case but after my disillusionment I wound up fighting suicidal leanings and drug addiction. I was in a very bad way and I had nobody at all to lean on as all my friends were JWs. I chose to walk away quietly rather than risk being disfellowshipped since I knew that would mean not even being able to carry on a normal conversation with my family. I lost a lot in leaving but I also gained a lot. I conquered most of my demons and wound up marrying someone that I love deeply. I now have a child and another on the way. My life healed and the damage done by the JWs is difficult to see but trust me it's still there and will continue to be for some time. I do still speak with my parents and my father's health is poor. He really appreciates talking to me and seeing my kid and hearing me talk about how well we are doing. My mother on the other hand is the typical JW. She has nothing but pure hate toward me and I feel sick every time I talk to her. Tonight I called to say hi as I do at least once every four weeks and I got her instead of dad. She made yet another lame excuse and said she would hand me off to dad but she was visiting friends.
It really hurts every time I have to speak to her and even my wife can't understand. That's actually why I joined this forum. If you weren't a JW you probably can't understand the feeling associated with leaving and the pain of interacting with those still in. The best way I can describe it to outsiders is that it's one inch from being a cult. It is not a cult but it isn't far from it so when you leave there are consequences. Just like a cult which will always assure you that you can leave anytime. Of course if you do you're screwed but help yourself and leave.
Anyway. When I spoke to my mom it hit me especially hard this time. She has basically disowned me and if my dad dies before her which is likely, she will definitely not speak to me at all. It hurts a lot. The last time I had a real conversation with her it didn't go well at all. She noted that we celebrate the holidays and a relative had mentioned seeing my son in holiday pictures. She then made the mistake of saying that it was a shame to see him being raised that way. That infuriated me to the point that I threatened to cancel our planned trip to see them and let them meet my son. I still have trouble understanding how a religion that claims they have nothing but love can be fueled by so much hatred.
I took a personal vow a long time ago to not speak ill of JWs in trade for being able to keep speaking to my parents. I.E.: I didn't want to be branded an apostate but now I think this religion is evil enough that silence itself is a sin. In fact it is a twisted version of what Charles Taze Russell envisioned. Not that I support that either mind you. After leaving I did some experimenting with other religions before finding the real truth. The Truth is that we don't know what the truth is. The only spiritual path that agrees on that is Agnosticism and thus I wound up being Agnostic. Ask a JW and they will tell you agnostics sit on the fence but the truth is that we aren't so arrogant to believe we know all the answers. Ah well I just feel a bit depressed after my call and subsequent 30 second conversation with my mom. I wish she wasn't so ignorant and blinded but the other side of the picture is that if she was not a JW she would not have the support network necessary to take care of my father.
I fear that the day my dad dies will also be the day I lose all contact with my former family as I do not believe my mother will ever want to speak to me again and the worst part of it to me is that her parents were devout Catholics who shunned her when she became a JW and treated her the same way she treats me. She even took me to a shrink once because she believed my questions about the JW religion indicated a mental health problem and stormed out when she was told otherwise by the doctor. Enough venting, thanks for being there and listening to my problems.
