1st step?

by daniel-p 52 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  MerryMagdalene

  Welcome daniel-p,

  I'm not laughing, and I do know it's hard, taking that first step, openly questioning what we are told not to question. And finding the true answers can be pretty shattering. There is another new member here who you may be able to identify with in some respects, freedomlover.

  ___________________________________________________________________________

  from http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/100392/1.ashx :

  I have to tell you at this point, that there were always things that bothered me about being a witness. I hated the sexism, I hated the hypocrites (my mom and stepfather), I hated the judgemental stuff, I hated being so different when I was younger, etc. However, I could always, somehow, rationalize all that away. I really believed the JW's were the ONLY worldwide brotherhood, they WERE god's channel today, and that I had to look at the BIGGER picture when "little" things bothered me. Besides, everyone I've ever known and loved believed it, so IT HAS to be true. I was in a very low spiritual state at the time, and I decided I'm going to really try to get myself going again and really understand the prophecies from the Daniel book this time around at bookstudy. I started a timeline, on my own, and weeks started to go by. I was totally confused at trying to figure the dates out for things that happened with Jerusalem and Nebuchadnezzar. Nothing added up. That's about the time, I found ITIS's info on his desk from history books about Jerusalems destruction NOT being in 607. I immediately had a pit in my stomach. My husband was an APOSTATE- I had proof now. It's funny that even though I was having trouble putting my time line together, I just figured I wasn't understanding it yet, not that the WTS was making up dates. When I finally had enough, I did confront him and pretty much made him tell me what was going on. (You can read this thread in his posts) It was seriously like a bad dream. He actually handled himself so well. Very calm, and sincere. One thing I wouldn't recommend though is he threw a lot of things at me at once. 607, the Trinity, the cross, falsifying growth from the GB, and a few other things. I wished he hadn't given me so much, but he really needed to get a lot off his chest also. We talked for quite a few hours and honestly I was more mad than anything. I really truly felt like this was a further excuse from him to justify neglecting me further and giving himself an excuse to not do spiritual things. I went to bed with one thought in my head - "it's either my marriage or my faith." Either way, I didn't see any easy way out. I didn't sleep at all that night. Tossed and turned. The next day I tried to get up and couldn't face things. I basically turned into a zombie for about 4 days. I would get up to take a shower so I could cry as loud and as much as I wanted and I could pray to god. I prayed so hard. Gut-wrenching soul searching prayers. My husband left some of his "information" out so I could look over it if I wanted to. I told myself I at least owed it to my husband, who has always been a reasonable person, and to our marriage to at least listen to his reservations about the WTS. I was crushed at what I was reading. All the false dates for Armageddon, right there in print. It threw me down so hard I really wondered if I'd ever recover from this. The next few weeks, I just read, researched and talked to my husband. He was great about not pushing me or giving ultimatums. It's only been a few months so far, and I feel like I've come so far, and yet it amazes me that I could leave "my faith" so quickly. Just shows how deep it really was. Not that deep........

  ....................................................

  This is still a process for me. It's still very new. I guess you could say it took me 30 years to "see the light." I range from anger to deep sadness to tremendous power and freedom. It changes every day. I do think it's very difficult for someone who is raised a JW (or Mormon, or SDA,etc.) to break from the very controlled and rigid mindset. It's like trying to convince someone Red is Red when all there life they've been told Red is Blue. It's almost intellectually an impossible jump. I do think you have to be a bit of a free thinker and have courage to check and see what's outside the box, even if it's just a peek. In my opinion, being a JW my whole life up till now, people who come to this religion later in life come because of a tragedy in their life, death or something like that, or they have something missing. Then WOW, JW's show up at there door answering all their questions. It has to be god, right?

  Hope this has given some insight to all of you who are looking for it. Thank you for listening to this, it's actually been very therapeutic for me......

  so......questions? comments?

  ___________________________________________________________________________

  I hope this might be of some help or assurance to you. There are many here who are willing to do what we can to support you through your process, whatever that might be. You're not alone, you're not crazy. It might be quite rough for a while, but you're gonna be ok.

  ~Merry
• 

  Enigma One

  Yes I think it's your first step. The first step of many on ultimately deciding what is best for you. You did mention you felt some here were bitter. I think bitterness is probably one of the grieving / healing steps. I asked myself some of the same questions when I decided to leave. Fortunately for me it was many years ago, yet I still have all of my family in the cult.
  
  Don't get too down on yourself, as you mention you were raised in it. Challenging these beliefs are akin to challenging that the sky is blue. Your whole life you were raised saying "It's the truth"....when in fact it is not.
  
  While I am very new here myself, I have lurked for a very long time. Good luck on your journey of self discovery.
• 

  Lady Lee

  First welcome. You have made a courageous step and I think it deserves a response. So this is a bit long but I'll try to do my best.

  I am forcing myself to do this - I feel nauseated, depressed... my hands are shaking. I know many of you see this and laugh. But for those of you who arn't, you know how hard it is for me to do this. I am currently very active as a JW.

  No we won't laugh. Many of us have felt the exact same way when we made our first post. You are taking a step down a road you aren't sure of. It's natural to be shaky and scared. The unknown is always scary, especially when we live within a system that claims to have all the answers.

  will lie when confronted about it.

  When one is faced with the hardships of the WTS it is normal and actually encouraged by the WTS for people to lie to others and even themselves. The WTS sets up a dilemma where the individual cannot examine or acknowledge the real truth within.

  However, I cannot stand the ministry. Perhaps it's because I have had doubts for many years now, and can't speak from the heart?

  You are not alone in this. The work has become futile. JWs aren't really announcing anything anymore. The doors rarely get opened and even when they do there is little response.

  I do not want to be a bitter man - but I think I have been for quite a while. Mainly about my choice to go to college. First of all, I wanted to do something I was good at, not slave away day after day like a machine at Bethel, and not ride around in cars all day being lucky to place 1 magazine set.

  The problem here is that people are coerced into giving up dreams of making a difference for the empty work of distributing the literature. You have every right to your feelings regardless of what they are. Denial doesn't make those feelings go away. They sit there and linger inside of us, eating our hearts and minds.

  They said there is nothing wrong with trying to "better your financial situation" but that I should just keep in mind my spiritual balance. I guess I am failing.

  "spiritual balance" Yes an interesting term. But have you thought about what that means. If we, as humans have certain basic needs, psychological, emotional, physical, social and spiritual then why is a life that focuses solely on the spiritual and the ignoring of other needs called "balanced"? People fail at this "spiritual balance" because it isn't balanced. You're normal and most likely burnt out from trying to live this type of life.

  What has got me to this point is not scandals, but the fundamental stuff. Not whether Jehovah exists, but if he really is using this organization.

  This indeed is one of the basic things we need to know. They say they are being used by God but what is the proof? Simply because they say so? Every one can say so. It that doesn't necessarily make it true.

  And then the back of my brain tells me, "of course he is... he certainly is not using any other religious organization."

  How would you really know? JWs are forbidden to explore what other religions are doing. I sure don't know. But just saying it doesn't make it true. Throwing up scriptures and interpretations doesn't make it true. Just like statistics can prove just about anything you want them to prove, finding scriptures can do the exact same thing.

  "are we really making the good news known in all the earth?" and "if Jehovah has let the system go on in order for the good news to be preached, why are we barely even touching the vast territories like Bangladesh, India, China?"

  I used to think this too. I was always curious why brothers would move to western Canada to serve where the need was greater and we would have people who lived out west move to were we were to serve where the need was greater!!! Why not just stay home and serve? It was such nonsense.

  if Jehovah is not going to destroy 'good people' who have not heard the truth, why are we preaching anyway?"

  excellent point. It does make you think doesn't it. But then you have to deny the thoughts because you can't doubt the WTS. It's the same as doubting God. Or is it?

  And then of course, there is all the evidence of how the organization is ever more reactionary in their policies. If it is God's spirit annointed organization, why do we have to be reactive? Woulnd't we have special foresight, and impliment proactive policy?

  You'd think so? Part of the reactionary response has to do with the need to cover their trail. There are so many things that the average JW doesn't know. You say you were in Bethel. I'm sure you saw things there that you really had to question why God would use this type of organization to spread his word.

  Many times people have said (including myself) "Jehovah uses imperfect men to run the organization - the only thing that matters is if we are heading in the right direction and that we remain clean.

  Yes men are imperfect and we would expect a certain amount of imperfection within the org. But are they headed in the right direction. So often their policies are the exact opposite of was taught previously and it seems sometimes they don't even know it was taught before and now they have gone back to a teaching they gave up. It goes round and round. They say it is new light but sometimes that new light is actually resurrected old light.

  As for the remain clean part, it seems to me that the WTS's concern with cleanliness has more to do with hiding it if they can and only deal with it if it has become known. I'm reading about the 4 first presidents of the WTS. What a shock the things I am learning. No JW knows about most of this because the WTS has done a pretty good job of making sure this stays hidden. But too many have left and are taken the secrets out of the closet. And the more people are talking about what they saw and heard first hand (not rumors that have gone around and around so they aren't recognizable anymore) the more reactionary the WTS has to be.

  The ones causing others to stumble will be judged." And then I think of Gideon who requested evidence that Jehovah was with him before he went into battle - 3 times! Why can't I ever hope to have the same privelege of seeing evidence of Jehovah's will?

  It seems God is more understanding than the WTS. (Trying not to be bitter or sarcastic - just trying to tell it like it is. Think about it)

  Faith is not supposed to be blind.... I don't know if I will ever be able to have these answers satisfactorily answered.

  Absolutely. It should never be blind. JWs go door to door telling people to examine their religion. The WTS has gone to court to fight for the freedom of religion and the freedom to practice that religion. But as soon as you are baptized you don't have the right to question anything. That does not make sense. The scriptures say "Make sure of all things". To me that means we need to constantly be checking, reaffirming our faith. Not just take what someone tells us but be searching. it is too easy to just accept what others say. We need to individually be checking.

  for the most part, I get put off by the bitterness

  So do I. But I can understand why so many are bitter. Most people who leave the JWs have lost their families, their friends, their commumity and their religion. It is hard not to be bitter after reading what so many have gone through. The bitterness does not negate the experience but I understand what you mean.

  I just need to figure it out for myself.

  Absolutely. If we have the desire to serve God in a meaningful way so that we can feel that we are productive then we must figure it out for ourselves and not have it dictated to us. It really is the best way. When we have been told all our lives what to believe and told that since the writing staff of WTS has already done all the research for us, all we are getting is their perception. We really aren't doing any examining ourselves. We are simply accepting what someone else printed.

  That is why when I first began to think about it whole-mindedly, I felt like vomiting. You might say I've been "conditioned" but its more than that. You must understand, I was raised in the truth. This is everything I have ever known. I'm not sure I want to even take this any further.

  I had this feeling too. I didn't want to know the information I was finding. I wanted to believe that what I had been taught was the truth. If everything you know is crumbling before your eyes, your body will react to the shock. It is shocking. As a JW you have been conditioned. Warned about questioning the WTS/GB/God. It is considered a sin against the Holy Spirit. But if you think about it, if what you have been taught is really the truth then shouldn't an examination simply prove it is what it says it is? There should be no fear if there is nothing wrong.

  I've briefly entertained the notion that I could just "drift away" but I am not that kind of person.... And could I ever turn my back completely? Could I ever DA myself? There are too many aspects of the organization that I hold dear.

  I think each one of us has to decide what is best for me. Thw WTS holds people by the neck with a strong fist. Some choose to drift. Some choose one foot in and one foot out. Others need a clean break fully aware of what that entails. It isn't easy because so much is at stake. Only you can decide what you need and how to get it.

  But then that's the other Big One: am I loyal to Jehovah or the organization? And are they completely synonomous?

  For so many of us this is the essentail question. Do your research and decide for yourself. There are many people here who can help and point you in the direction. But don't just take our word for it. Then you would simply be in the same position of acceptance without examination.

  We are here for all the support you need. And a few pointers along the way. You tell us what you need and I guarantee there will be a lot of folks trying to support you and help you.

  I may post later, but I have to take this one careful step at a time so I don't get too far along on a path that I do not want to be on. I still don't know what the hell I am doing... please understand.

  Go slow. Go at your speed. And keep breathing. You will either prove the JWs are where you want to be or prove you need a change. That part is up to you.

  Either way you will get MY support.
• 

  sf

  Those first steps can be very frightening to take. You risk falling and getting hurt. Sometimes, beyond repair.

  Jehovah has let the system go on in order for the good news to be preached

  Ohhhhhhhh!!! Is THAT the reason behind the huge delay? LOL!!! I guess I forgot that part of my indoctrination all those years ago.

  Seriously though, you are right where you are supposed to be.

  {{{ A very warm hug }}}

  sKally
• 

  sf

  I can say my faith is breaking apart

  
  Daniel-p,

  And I can say mine was torn apart, as a young girl, by the very organization you are in turmoil over. And the choices my mother made that put this organization on her top priority list, that ended up obliterating our entire family nucleus.

  It's called rape, of your spirit(uality). And for me, it is much harder healing this type of rape than any other.

  Like I said: some steps and choices we take or were forced to take, as a jw child, are beyond repairing. Yet we must find a way to at least adhere the best bandage.

  I wish you well in your journey.

  Sincerely, sKally
• 

  sf

  Oh, and if it were me, I'd mark this day, in some way, somewhere, where you will never forget the date you took your first step.

  sKally
• 

  joanne_

  Ohhh Daniel! ...I hear and feel everything you are saying. All I can say for the moment, is that it will be okay. Pray to Jehovah, on exactly how you are feeling. Tell him everything and see where that leads you. Don't do anything too harsh right now, just give yourself a break from everything. You need time to really sort through all this. And I struggled with the same question, Am I loyal to Jehovah or the organization. It sounds like you love God, and its the organization that you are having problems with.

  hugs to you, keep reading the posts, and don't be afraid to be honest about things.

  joanne
• 

  Cellist

  Hi Daniel,

  Glad you posted. I can't imagine anybody laughing at your story. Especially not on this board. Most have been through a similar stage somewhere in their life. You're definitely not crazy. Don't feel like you have to make decisions quickly. You can't rush the process of self-discovery. For us it was definitely a trial-some time (internally). But it passed, and we are now happier than we've ever been.

  Feel free to vent and verbalize what you're feeling. It helps.

  Cellist
• 

  lazyslob

  Welcome.

  I don´t laugh at you. Like many have said before you're feelings were pretty much common among people coming here.

  I do hope you´ll keep on studying, and doing a decision based on knowledge.

  Try to enjoy you're ride.

  Lazy
• 

  GoingGoingGone

  daniel_p

  Welcome!!

  Congratulations on taking that first step..... It's terrifying. The feelings you describe are exactly what I felt for a long time. I have no problems with the JW people themselves, I have lots of friends, I grew up as a JW, pioneered, knew nothing else. When I left, it was over doctrinal issues. I found JWD a long time before I began posting here... I started reading another, more doctorine-oriented exJW forum first, because I was more interested in finding out answers to my religious questions and not ready to deal with the practical problems yet. I had to know what God wanted of me, what he wanted me to do. I knew what I didn't believe, but had no idea what I did believe. But I was absolutely sure that God was not using the WTS.

  Once I worked through the 'spiritual' issues I had, I was faced with a huge mess. All my friends are JWs. My husband is an elder. I can't stand hypocracy, and yet there I was, sitting through meetings and listening to things I didn't believe. Just know that it's a process, and each step has it's own challenges, and there is no set exit-recipie. You need to do what is right for you.

  The people on this site are great... So supportive!! You need support to get through this, so don't be afraid to ask for it!

  GGG