1st step? (page 5)

alw

Hi Daniel - welcome to the board - enjoy the journey of self healing and growth!!!! alw

vitty

This is going to be a long journey, dont rush it, take your time. You dont need to make any decisions yet.

Would it be possible to take some time away from the meetings ( you could say your ill) and that would take the pressure off and give you time to think.

If this is Jehovahs organization, we should be finding a refuge, it should be a relief when we go to meetings is that how we feel ?

Andrea Wideman

Daniel
Welcome to the board. You have made a very brave choice in seeking answers. I wish you well on your journey.
Andrea

rebel8

Hi daniel, I just wanted to welcome you to JWD and say hello.

I felt the same way when I left. I had prayed for years to have joy in being a JW (especially preaching) but it never came. It was such an empty, sad way of life. They teach you there is something wrong with you if you don't feel joy. IMO that's not at all true. Life is supposed to be happy, not filled with attending meetings and reading literature that just repeats the same things over and over (while claiming it's new info) and knocking on people's doors who object to your visits. Every waking moment spent pursuing the same thing is not a life worth living, IMO.

I decided I did not want to be a JW if that's what life would be like, even if it meant I'd be killed for it. The concept of spending eternity with misongynistic, ridiculously controlling rules (covering everything including what type of underwear to wear--gimme a break--as if God cares about that!) and wierd people is a nightmare. I am not DFd nor did I even break any JW rules for some time after leaving the org. It was not about sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll as the WT seems to claim--as if everyone who stops attending meetings is selfish and wild. I live a very morally upright life and always have. What has changed is I allow myself to use my mind, instead of following men like a robot. I also have a balanced life for the first time ever. I am no longer obsessed with religious pursuits and obsessive thoughts about religion. Instead I live a good life of worthwhile pursuits and a variety of interests and activities.

My best advice is to take a break and don't worry about making a major decision (ie, to DA yourself) right now. Just take a break, decrease your anxiety, and put off making major decisions until you feel you're ready. Taking a break from meetings etc. is not going to get you shunned (it shouldn't anyway) and if it's "The Truth", Jehovah will understand and forgive you for missing a few meetings. If you feel a desire to return, there will be nothing preventing you from doing that. (link to my book)

Right about now you may be thinking the "taking a break" idea is from Satan. That is because the WT has taught you that. My thought is--you've tried everything else and it failed, so taking a break may be the only thing that can help.

Remember, if it's "The Truth", it will withstand a break.

daniel-p

Thanks everyone for replying.

I have spent some more time thinking about matters... but of course continuing my theocratic activities. I engaged my wife in a conversation the other day, trying to get closer and closer to some of the topics that have been disturbing me... I don't know if i really reached her. I don't know if there really is a difference between what she truly feels and the rhetoric we are all familiar with and let fall out of our mouth when we have doubts.

[is there any qualitative difference between "doubts" and "questions"?]

I was reappointed as an ms last night after a breif congo. transistion period.
Before they reappointed me they took me to the back room to say they got the letter back from the society and to ask if there was any reason I couldn't serve as an ms.
I've gone through this procedure about 4 times before.
Of course, what could I say? "Actually brothers, I've been reading apostate literature recently and I really do have some big questions - and oh by the way, I've always hated going out in the ministry and constantly avoid it - the few years I spent pioneering I actually had a perpetual stomach discomfort and every time I go I'm filled with anxiety."
No, of course not.
When it was announced, my wife put her hand on my arm and smiled, everyone clapped. The brother on the stage looked at me and smiled, I smiled back, thinly.

The elder's and servant's school is coming up soon.

When will the rollercoaster ride stop? Will I get off myself, or will someone toss me off?

I do know one thing for sure: no one else's experiences are going to convince me to make a decision. I have to see for myself. I want to return to Bethel and look behind the curtain. Will Jehovah allow me to go back? What part of the game am I playing?

wanderlustguy

If this isn't the truth, I am being taken for a hell of a ride.

You are in a unique position to many people currently serving...you are beginning to have an open mind, and are thinking for yourself. Read some of the experiences here, not to make up your mind, but maybe to give you more questions you may not have thought of. Look at the information you receive from the society with your new eyes, the ones that are open to what is truth and what is fiction.

As far as Jehovah answering your questions...how do you know that isn't happening right before your eyes ?

Jez

Laugh?? I want to cry reading your experience. We have all felt the physical need to vomit when you allow yourself to critically think about "the truth". I now feel that the physical feeling to vomit was a manifestation of the inner need to get rid of the hold that the WBTS holds over its' members.

I have puked it all out now. And I feel cleansed in every single way, especially spiritually.

JWes are taught that the world is watching them, hates them or admires them and knows exactly who they are. YAH RIIIIGHT...once you check it out for yourself, people couldn't care less about JWes.

There is no doubt that you will see for yourself that propaganda is a power thing when taught to a sheltered group of head nodding, robotic people that are not allowed to question, doubt, or disagree.

Welcome and I am amazed by your strength. Jez

Cori

Daniel-p,

I remember the first times I read posts here and began to research some of my questions, feeling the same guilt and fear you are feeling right now. I was paranoid of getting caught, and was constantly looking over my shoulder. I know where you're at. All I can offer, is to keep reading. Keep investigating. Dont let others tell you what to think. Or how to feel about anything. This will definitely be a turning point in your life. I was also raised in the truth, and for awhile you will feel lost, not knowing anything else. Things do become clearer. Things do get better. Keep us posted on what goes on with you.

Take care, welcome, and the best of luck to you

Cori

stillconcerned

Daniel-

I agree with Rebel:

IF IT'S THE TRUTH, IT CAN WITHSTAND...

...most anything, can't it?

If Jehovah/God is real, and wants you to know him or know he's real, can he not deal with some honest questions from you?

IF the organization is one and the same with Jehovah, won't he make THAT clear to you?

REAL TRUTH stands on its own merit...

Ask Jehovah/God to reveal real truth to you....

If he's real, he can handle your questions!

Kimberlee d.

seattleniceguy

Hey daniel,

It is always difficult to be the one who sees what no one else can see.

[is there any qualitative difference between "doubts" and "questions"?]

Here's something to wrap your head around. This blew my mind when I first started thinking about it. Witnesses (and most other fundamentalist-types) cast "doubt" as an evil thing, a bad thing, a faith-destroying thing. But think about it. What is doubt, really? Why does a person doubt? Why does a person who wants deperately to believe have feelings of doubt?

Doubt is actually a very important protection mechanism. Doubt is our subconscious saying, "Hey, wait a minute...something doesn't quite add up here." Doubt is there to protect us from doing foolish things. Doubt is there to say, "Are you sure about that? You might want to take a closer look."

Doubt is the voice of your true self trying to get a message to the part of your self that is socialized and conditioned. Your surface self is not allowed to entertain thoughts that the WT might not be all that it claims. It is simply not tolerated. But in such a condition, when you see evidence that such might be the case, what is one to do? The surface self tries to suppress the thoughts altogether. But somewhere deep inside, a part of you is being honest and saying, "Dude, shouldn't you at least consider the evidence?" That's what doubt is.

Consider the sorry fate of a person who does not have the faculty of doubt. Let's say his kid is using drugs. All the signs are there: a sudden drop in performance at school, a lack of interest in things she used to love, eyes glazed over when she comes home from a party. But because this man loves his daughter so much and is unwilling to even consider that something might be wrong, he ignores the signs. To doubt one's own daughter! P'shaw!

In contrast, when the faculty of doubt works, it serves as a wakeup call. It helps us do what must be done, to see what must be seen, to think what must be thought.

There are some interesting related issues that stem from this one, but I'll let you stew on this for a while. I found this to be quite eye-opening, and I hope you do too.

SNG

1st step?

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