Scales falling from my eyes. (very long!)

by PoppyR 41 Replies latest jw experiences

  • PoppyR
    PoppyR

    Wow.. have to say I'm overwhelmed by your response, and also the suddenly new idea that I should read and study. I feel STUPID..lol. that I thought I was reading and studying. Last night I hardly slept. I found a reference online that said Jerusalem was destroyed in 586 not 607 and I looked and looked.. and this seems to be true. Yet I went back to the watchtower library, searched for 586... NOT ONE REFERENCE. I mean if there was some debate surely they are likely to say.. some people say it's 586, we dont believe this because.. but not one. THis rocked everything I've ever thought. I've always considered myself to be a thinker, a questioner, intelligent. But why did I never question that because the organisations say something is true it may not be? This ONE point just knocks everything away doesnt it!

    Anyway! In answer to a question from Nathan I think.. I pioneered between 86 and 93, and this may seem daft now, but I never wanted children, but I got pregnant so I had an excuse to stop.. Not that I regret my lovely boys. But when I look back, where was my spine? They were building a huge Sainsburys here in the early 80s. I vividly remember my mother and her friend saying "that'll never be built"..That was 20 years ago. the feeling is now in the organisation literally as it always has been, there is no date, but it is imminent. But since we had a WT a couple of years ago 'correcting' some thoughts. ie that the generation that saw 1914 does not mean literally people that were alive then. There has been a gradual decline in numbers. In my own congregation we have gone from having 100+ to meetings to sub 50 most of the time. I drive past the catholic church and they are brimming, and I think of references I've read about churches being turned into social halls etc.. My mother still often rings me and says "did you see the news, can you see how world events are moving".. and I say little but think.. yep, the same way they have been since I was a baby and you were telling me it was this year. I started doing a chart of publisher numbers, because it interested me that they were going down. But then they introduced a new thing a year or two ago that said even if you did 10 minutes you should count it, and now they have risen again, but I have a spreadsheet and everything. Guess I've been questioning a long time,just taken many years for the wheels to grind round.

  • Es
    Es

    Hi poppy a very warm welcome to the board.

    Feel free to vent anytime we are here for you.

    I hope you find what your searching for

    es

  • vitty
    vitty

    ((((((( poppy )))))) Thank goodness youve found us

    You will have many questions that we in the past have wondered about, we ALL thought we had studied and researched, so you are not stupid.

    So ask as many questions as you want, and tell us how you feel, were all listening

  • rebel8
    rebel8

    Look up "apostate" in the dictionary and you will see you are in good company....anyone who left a former belief system or group is an apostate...even Jesus. The other connotations the WTS ads to that word are completely made up.

    Welcome to the forum.

    www.jwinfo.50megs.com www.lulu.com/ex-jw

  • talley
    talley


    Hello (((Poppy))), and welcome.

    I would like to emphasize 'bythesea's' suggestion that you read the two books written by Raymond Franz.

    The first is CRISIS OF CONSCIENCE "The sturggle between loyalty to God and loyalty to one's religion. A penetrating view of a relition's supreme council and their dramatic power over human lives. by Raymond Franz, former member of the Governing Body of Jehovah's Witnesses."

    The second is IN SEARCH OF CHRISTIAN FREEDOM "The issues raised and options discussed herein, although relating particularly to the structure of Jehovah's Witnesses, are not so very different from issues other Christians have faced and continue to face when they seek to reconcile considrations of conscience, loyalty, responsibility and freedom."

    Possibly find them in your Public Library, or they can be ordered from http://www.commentarypress.com

    From my own experience, I am sure, at your point in life, that they will help you a great deal.

    talley/Judy

  • PoppyR
    PoppyR

    Thanks again! I have ordered 'Crisis of conscience' from amazon and am awaiting it's arrival. funnily enough I work in a public library so have good access to lots of materiel. I cant tell you how I feel today, happier than I have in years, like the weight that was on my shoulders has gone. I dont need to feel guilty, I am enough. But it's still very bittersweet, the great thing is I have read some lovely things here from people who understand, I dont hate the organisation, I dont hate the brothers and sisters, just now feel they are as I was.. misguided and afraid. I read the most amazing letter from an ex JW to her parents in the 'best' section that had me crying it was so much how I felt about so many things, especially the demons as a child! I still have a LONG way to travel, but feel SO relieved that I have finally accepted what I think my subconscious has always known.

    Poppy x

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    Keep reading Poppy. Glad to read the Best of section is helpful.

    Ignore the guilt. Believe it or not you are doing exactly what the Bible says

    "Make sure of all things"

    You have every right in the world to do that

    And yes it is bittersweet. I felt that sense of freedom too. Made me feel lighter than air. I remeber when I lived in Montreal there was a subway station near our house with three sets of stairs of about 150 steps in total. As a JW and for many years after I could never walk up the stairs. But once the pressure was off my mind I one day ran up all the stairs. When I got to the top I turned around and looked at all those stairs. I could not be believe I just ran up all of them and was ready for more!!!

    The energy we used to repress those doubts and feelings is enormous. As the repression eases don't be surprised at the new energy levels

  • Nellie
    Nellie

    Poppy - Welcome Home!

    I just finished reading Crisis of Conscience and I can't wait for you to get it. The first thing that shocked me was how big it was, yet it's usually a pretty easy read. (There's one section in the middle that tough to get through - you'll know it when you're there.) But all in all, the material is soooo fascinating!

    I was talking with a friend of mine (a Dub) who was trying to encourage me to go to the meeting. He said he understood what I was going through. I told him he didn't because "he hadn't yet given himself permission to ask the questions". Hopefully you understand what I mean - the first step in getting the answers, is to ask the questions. We're taught NOT to ask them - they're natural questions (we all have them), but when they pop into our minds, we push them aside - afraid! Well, congratulations, you've put enough fear aside to ASK. And you've put fear aside enough to DO something about GETTING the answers! You came here and you bought CoC! The rest will happen naturally - not easily - but naturally.

    However we can help - we'll be here!

    Hugs - Nellie

  • Doubtfully Yours
    Doubtfully Yours

    Welcome PoppyR!

    DY

  • bebu
    bebu

    A late WELCOME to you, PoppyR!!!

    Another verse that you can remember during your searching is: The first one to present his case seems right, until another comes forward to question. (Prov 18:17) You got the first bit of info, but it's your right to a cross-examination before you come to a conclusion (judgement).

    You've got a great deal of people who can relate to you here. You're so lucky to live during the time of the internet; it must have been pure hell () for people with doubts before that!

    My sincerest best wishes to you. You are on the right path--the path of following integrity, wherever it may lead.

    bebu

Share this

Google+
Pinterest
Reddit