I live on Kauai. Really do not know many JW's from those other two islands. Your fade sounds like one of the most challenging I have read about. What do you say when asked what's wrong? Or do you just tell them I do not want to talk about it?
I am sure you know all of this by now, but the good news, by fading, is you CAN have that family get-together, CAN go to that wedding and CAN say hi, give hugs etc to JW's and family you see. The bad news is they can also ask you questions. They can stop over to "encourage" you. Your hands are tied and mouth taped, at least with regards to all of them there.
I have DA'd and my wife has faded. I would do things no differently if I could do it again. But I also have no family in the religion here aside from my one stepson. If I were in your shoes, I'd have a more difficult decision to make. That is why I usually just try to lay out the scenarios, in each case, rather than tell anybody what to do in situations like these.
My step daughter, now 20, stopped all meetings just last month. She says her reasons are not our reasons; said she was just "not happy" with the same old routine and not happy as a Witness overall. When I Disassociated, she was still a regular pioneer. She never got into any trouble, reproof etc. When my wife joined me, and both of us were out, we never put any hard pressure on her to give it up. In fact, we really felt for her since it was all she ever knew. ALL her friends, memories, experiences etc. were JW. But we just encouraged her to do what she wanted, but to really keep an open mind. In time, this turned out to really be the best way. This was in fact HER decision and not ours for her. The elders suggested perhaps she move out a few months ago (which really bothered her). They threw us both under repeatedly. She saw that my wife and I are still deeply devoted and still believe in God. And now she is out. That was great to watch.
He was not the same after that for some time, as anybody could imagine. Eventually ran away twice (once for weeks) and got into drinking and smoking with another JW who was eventually caught and df'd. (Actually I turned him in). I was an elder during all of that as well, though eventually said enough is enough and stepped down.
I was told by another elder not to even talk about my son with the other friends. I was about to take a one month photography trip with just him, through the entire Pacific Northwest, to help get him back on track, so I thought it wise to mention just WHY I'd be gone. But that was a bad idea to them. Then after going through about one year of really making good progress with him, just before he turned 18, I helped relocate him to an east coast beach town to start his new life. I was told many times that if he did not want Jehovah, at 18, it's time for him to "hit the road". So, being the loyal company man that I was, looking forward to getting all my responsibilities back, OUT HE GOES.
He then went nowhere but BACKWARDS FAST. No family at all. Disfellowshipped, no mother and now 18 yrs old and 5000 miles away. Minimal contact from me who was ALWAYS THERE. Then he got into smoking pot every day. Then suicidal thoughts. (He was considered high risk right away due to his mother's suicide plus through professional evaluations). Then I got that phone call at 4 am (his time) where he was crying and asking to come back home, be a JW again, apologizing for all the trouble he's caused etc.
The response: (no exaggerations here)-- "You should not have taken that phone call at all, he is disfellowshipped". "You should have had him get in touch with the elders there 5000 miles away where he was staying". "Your taking that call and then telling others about taking that call, shows lack of judgement on your part". Amazing but true.
But you see, I was still a JW "company man" and still believed everything was from God's True Organization. So, I labored over what to do. Eventually we both agreed he'd be better off moving to Maui instead of coming back our island. So, I met him at the airport on Maui, bought him a used car, found a cheap room for rent, helped him find work, gave him a big hug and said aloha once again.
Things only became worse. He found the wrong crowd, became even more despondent, more drugs and then tore the ACL in his knee in two in a skateboarding accident. This time it was time to bring him BACK HOME, which we did, on one condition; MEETINGS, ALL OF THEM. He agreed with a very good attitude actually.
Had the knee surgery, but then he got staph in the knee from the surgery. Three weeks and losing 20 lbs later (He was 6 ft and like 129) they had to take everything back OUT of his knee and then intravenous antibiotics for two months. Though he did go to all the meetings with a good attitude. I had two dogs already but thought it would be a big boost (because he was sooo down after the staph infection), if we went to the humane society and found his OWN dog. I just had one request; no puppies, get a grown dog so the potty thing won't be a problem. Well, life don't always work that way, as we all know. He found a tiny, 4 lb PUPPY that had no clue how to even hit the newspaper. Yet, we all make sacrifices, right? But what a great idea that was. It really helped his spirit tremendously. Sasha was a GREAT FIND. From pup to like daughter.
I also bought him a brand new, professional, Nikon D2X digital camera. We took an all-island photo trip that also made a great difference. (All the while, my PO tells me that I showed poor judgement and cut the hand of Jehovah short by allowing him to move back in with us. And for the three months that he went to all the meetings, not one elder took the time to speak with him. Literally, not even ONE.)
After his three months of meetings and just prior to the second knee surgery, (which also failed...third time though was the charm) he came to me and said "Dad, I love you, but after going to all the meetings for months, and watching everybody there, it's just not for me". "I just don't want to be a Witness". He was reasonable and logical about it. He said "the people in the hall are just plain strange". "They have no life". "The meetings are so boring". "I really did try Dad"....
What can you say to all that?
Still my belief that this was God's organization was pretty much unfazed. (Just months after this all of THAT would change though). And when I eventually told him about what I was doing, by leaving the JW's, nobody was happier to hear this than him. Could not wipe the smile off his face if I paid him to stop smiling.
The reason I bring all of this up is because yesterday, I helped him move into his first house, with his new wife, and yep, his own dog, sasha (who is now almost two years old). Both his wife and his little pup are really amazing. His wife and he both have great jobs and love each other dearly. His photography, while still only part-time, has been internationally recognized and he is featured in Aloha Airlines magazine, right now, with the May/June issue. He has received thousands of dollars from stock usage requests of his images.
http://www.scottephotos.com/index.html
http://www.photo.net/photodb/member-photos?include=all&photo_id=5044240
This is why love is not supposed to be conditional. This is why we help our own when times are down.
He has thanked me for not giving up on him many times.
But there is nothing to thank me for, for this is what we are supposed to do, to those we love.
I just want his dog back here with me. She is so much fun. She gets the assist for helping those in need more than for just him.
So how do I steal his dog then? Yep, bad daddy, but so what.
Any suggestions?
: )
: )
(actually I am only two miles away, so I get her when he goes to work... that sounds like a win-win deal to me...
vinny
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Vinny