by Kaylen 36 Replies latest jw friends
The need for "remorse" in situations is very important. That's why we make sure prisoners have parole boards, to see if they have it, because a lack of remorse shows that they will in all likelyhood do it again.
Saying "get over it" shows a distinct lack of remorse. I've been there. I'm sorry your going through this.
Strangely I WOULD confront your friend, as they are probably likely to be more supportiv than your husband.
Your husband and friends are up to something. What happened between them that made the man come to you and tell on everyone? Huh? Something smells fishy.
You might want to approach this from the angle that you "know" a lot more than they think you do. The "best friend's husband" (Ha!) who told you, probably can't remember exactly what he said. You could act like you are holding the deck and see if they will all come clean...sounds to me like more was going on!
The reaction by your husband is disturbing! He should be much more concerned with your feelings, not being mad at the friend. He doesn't want to talk about it because there is more there. Trust your instincts...they are right 99% of the time...that's why you posted it here...for CONFIRMATION of what you are feeling.
Your "best friend" is NOT your best friend!!! I have seen this one time to many!
Swalker
I think everyone is right, saying I am trying to avoid confrontation is just a pretty way of saying I am too scared of finding out the truth. I will talk to all three of them on Wednesday night as we are going to go out for dinner. I feel apprenhensive, sick actually and I don't know why I didn't do anything wrong they did.
OMG you poor thing, thats terrible, if that was me i would be telling my partner and friends to get f$%*ed. I know thats harsh but being drunk is so not an excuse if they cant handle the liquer maybe they shouldnt drink as much.
And if they have kept this secret for 3 years goodness knows if there are others.
You poor thing babe
es
The problem with concealing betrayal is that it makes the innocent party wonder what else has been kept secret. On that same bend it makes the innocent party pained and stressed as to whether the secret would have ever come out, further complicating a trust made fragile. Lying about a betrayal is worse than the actual betrayal IMO. I feel for you. Don't let people walk on you, it sets up a pattern of disrespect ~ I KNOW.
I'm not very good helping others decide what to do. Everyone is different and will react differently to circumstances.
I know that sometimes we do things that we would never do again when we think about it and are not caught up in a moment of time. I have done things that I can't forgive myself for doing and are ashamed of myself for it. It does have one good effect on me though, I never feel self-righteous and am able to forgive others a little better. I'm not saying to forgive him, that's totally up to you. It may not be a pattern of conduct but one instance of stupidity. Sometimes you can forgive but it's very hard to forget.
I hope it can be worked out so it won't disrupt you life.
Ken P.
Notice how not one single man has responded to this thread.I wonder why!
Oh, you know why. It's because all men are a$$holes and we all condone this sort of behaviour, don't we.
I personally would be effing furious in that sort of a situation. Everyone involved betrayed your trust, first by it happening, and second by conspiring to hide it from you.
For me, this would be enough to seriously consider kicking all of them to the curb.
Yeah, I agree with daystar. Us guys are just all sneakin' around like dogs. Seriously, don't forget the female friend is guilty as well. I think the most disturbing part is everyone's reaction after you found out. It would be one thing if they screwed up, then fessed up and felt terrible about it, but to put it back on you tells me that they wouldn't feel bad if it happened again. I have known people who used alcohol as an excuse for doing things they would never do sober, and I avoid them like the plague. In my mind, they basically use the alcohol to give them the courage to do the crap they want to do deep down.
I'm not saying don't forgive, but I definitely wouldn't put up with being brushed off about it. Make all parties involved fess up to you and be honest, and make them do it sober!!
I'm going to start by playing devil's advocate and ask some rhetorical questions for the sake of balancing out the thread.
What actually happened? What does "hot and heavy" mean?
Did it really only happen once on the spur of the moment, under the influence of alcohol? Did anything lead up to it and how have they interacted since, especially immediately after the event?
Since it was three years ago the likelihood is that they had guilt at the time, covered it over, and hoped they'd got away with it. Three years later, might remorse not exactly be the emotion they feel? Might it be more relief mingled with embarrassment, and a little anger directed to the one who betrayed their betrayal?
And back to LT-mode:
Some people can deal with this kind of revelation, some can't. Some shrug it off or get a little upset but for others it's a deal-breaker. Only you can decide what category you fall in. Regardles of your choice in this, you have every right to feel whatever way you do. You have been betrayed and no-one should denigrate you for that.
"Get over it" is not an acceptable response to someone who has had a recent revelation of betrayal, though I can understand that the natural response would be to want to minimise the situation because he doesn't want the flak that he is accountable for, nor any other potential consequences. Do you have kids?
How would your husband feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you had got drunk and had a passionate kissing session with a work colleague 4+ years ago? Would he really be cool about it, or would it niggle him that someone interfered with his "property rights"?
Whatever you do, don't attempt to exact revenge by doing something similar to even the score. You can never even things up and all you'll do is make yourself feel cheap. You do need to take time to think through how this makes you feel and what the consequences will be.
