Aged parents...........

by vitty 25 Replies latest jw friends

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  vitty

  Would you have an elderly parent live with you. My inlaws drive me mad, we had my FIL stay for 6 days a couple of weeks back and gee was I glad when he went back home!

  The problem is my MIL is going in a home shes very ill and he is all alone, hes quite fit at the moment but he is 87 years and we live a couple of thousand miles away, Id love to offer if the time came but I know in reality id hate it, especially as id be home with him all day while my husband was at work.

  I feel ugly and mean for not wanting to, and I do feel its our duty, so how do I get past these selfish feelings. He is 87 but he could live till he is 90 + and thats a hell of a long time !!!!!

  What experiences have you had,,,,,,,,,,by the way id also feel this way if it was MY parents, I love them but to live with them sheeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
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  Mary

  It all depends on their personality. If they're nice and not interfering, then power to you. If they're mean, nosey and demanding, then don't do it. My paternal grandmother lived with us for years and made my mother's life a living hell. She was a crockety, miserable old bag who could've auditioned for a part in The Wizard of Oz and not need to learn any lines. That's a rotten thing to say about your grandmother, but it's the truth. None of us could stand her and we were actually happy when she finally shuffled off this mortal coil......My mother did everything for her and she was still rotten to her. My mother has the sweetest disposition (unlike me!) and everyone liked her----except her mother in law. She was constantly spying and ratting on us kids----anything to get us in trouble and she constantly caused all kinds of problems in my parents' marriage. It's a big step so think about it carefully..........if your father in law drove you nuts after 6 days, imagine how you'd feel after having him around for 6 months.
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  Mulan

  My father lived with us for about 6 years until he requested going into an assisted living facility. He said he thought we deserved to have more privacy and less obligations...............so we could travel and go out from time to time. He was 90 then. Now he is 92 and lives in an adult family home, because he has advanced dementia and is blind. The timing of it all (the moves) turned out really well.

  Mom lived with us for about two years of the six that Dad was here (they are divorced but friends). She needed more care because of osteoporosis, so also went to assisted living. She couldn't maneuver the stairway in our house any longer, at that time. Dad went there about 3 months after Mom did. Mom had surgery about a year later and lost her spot at the assisted living place and is also now in an adult family home.

  It actually worked out very well having them here. Of course we had no privacy to speak of, and it meant more work for me in meal preparation and laundry, cleaning, etc., but they were pretty respectful of our space. Dad had to be reminded at times, that he couldn't just "pop in" on us at any old time. They lived in our downstairs which gave them two bedrooms, a private bathroom, and a very large living room. There was a kitchen too, but Mom only used it to make her breakfast and did some baking. Dad ate with us unless Mom felt like fixing something for him too.

  It was the right thing to do for them, and I will never regret it. Sometimes they have no other options. If he lives another three years, so be it. I doubt you will have any regrets after he is gone. My concern in this situation is he wouldn't be able to see his wife. Can he go into an adult family home in his town?

  
  I almost forgot that my mother in law lived with us for several years too, before she remarried. Don't laugh, but she married my father. They were both 83 at the time. She passed away about 6 years later. She was a dream to have here. It was wonderful for our youngest son, who was 9 when she moved in. He spent every evening with her, watching TV and eating special snacks. It allowed them to form a very strong bond. I always said that my mother in law was the perfect MIL to have. She was just great. She worked full time until she was about 81, and was very high energy. She was a cake decorator and loved it so much she couldn't bear to retire.
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  Mulan

  My mother was not easy to live with for my entire life. She was very, very difficult. After her husband died, she simply could not afford to live independently anymore. She fell one time, and broke her back and after she recovered we all (the family) decided she should move in here. She thought it was temporary until she could get an apartment and it caused some difficult times until she finally realized that was not going to happen. No one could subsidize her so she could have her own place.

  She is a JW, and that made some problems too, but were resolved very well eventually. Somewhere along the line, she began to change and is now very nice to be with. For some reason, that difficult, eccentric woman disappeared. Now she is the mother I always wished she could have been. My brother agrees. Both of us wonder what happened.

  Both of my parents have to live exclusively on Social Security. Dad managed his money very poorly, and was susceptible to every scam that came along. At one time he was very wealthy, but no longer.

  Mom and her husband were counting heavily on the system ending so did nothing to plan for retirement. Sound familiar?
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  luna2

  vitty, I wouldn't do it if you don't enjoy his company. In the end everybody will be miserable.

  At one time, my parents had my grandfather living with them for about 6 months...a situation very similar to your's, with my grandmother ill and in a home that provided round the clock medical care. Grandpa was a real mopey guy who lived in anticipation of dying daily. He also had the unfortunate habit of denigrating anything my mother did by giving her back-handed "compliments". Example: She worked fulltime and didn't have much time to cook. He expected his dinner on the table by 6:00p.m. So, probably twice a week, she'd cut corners by bringing home dinner from Arby's or ordering pizza or other take out. He'd usually say something about the good old days when he had a home-cooked meal every evening, but that he knew she had a busy schedule and was grateful to have anything at all to eat. Used to drive her right up the wall. When you added that crap to his other bad habits...like having to be forced to bathe, his refusal to do anything for himself (she had to make his lunch each morning because he couldn't be bothered...he'd rather not eat than lift a finger in the kitchen) and his constant whining and complaining, it was too much.

  You never saw a happier woman when Gramps got a room at the County Home. Of course, that was the original idea all along as Grandma was to be moved over there as soon as they had a place for her...then they could at least be living together in the same facility.

  Hope you don't feel forced to do something that will make you unhappy.
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  Mulan

  Hope you don't feel forced to do something that will make you unhappy.

  I'm sorry, but this is just selfish. A few years putting up with a difficult elderly person is not that big of a deal. My father was constantly coming upstairs and sitting, waiting for me to do something with him, offer him coffee or talk to him. It irritated me unbelievably, as though I had no life at all. So, I would make him some coffee, sit and chat for a bit and then tell him I had to get back to what I was doing. It was a small thing to sacrifice for my father. He is very hard of hearing and difficult to talk to, so it wasn't pleasant.

  He bathed about every 10 days, and his doctor told me to "let it go", and that most elderly people are that way. They come from a generation that didn't bathe more than once a week, and it's hard to change those habits.

  Dementia is the worst thing to deal with, in my opinion, so if all you have is an annoying elderly person, who seems ungrateful, count your blessings. Believe me they are very grateful, considering the alternative. They would so much rather be with their family.
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  Why Georgia

  I think it really depends on how the person treats you and also if they want to live with you or if they have to live with you because nobody else wants them.

  I know I will take care of my parents. I am an only child and I would not ever want my parents put into a care home.

  Now my husbands mother, I would send her to one. I know because we are the only one of her children that actually isn't on welfare - besides hubby's oldest sister who has disowned his mom - no one else would have the money or the inclination to take care of her. Hubby's sisters only are around his mom for what she can give them...free babysitting, money, etc.

  WG
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  Mulan

  no one else would have the money or the inclination to take care of her. Hubby's sisters only are around his mom for what she can give them...free babysitting, money, etc.

  What money? Elderly people have Social Security. My parents both paid their own way, at their own insistence. They contributed to us for food, and any other expense they incurred. That issue has to be settled before they move in.

  As JW's, we always were taught that our aged parents were our responsibility. Just because we left that religion, doesn't mean that principle isn't still a good one.

  At the time my parents moved in with us, I didn't especially enjoy their company, but I love them. Time can allow you to adjust to many situations.

  I'm very disturbed by the selfishness of the responses here. THEY ARE YOUR PARENTS, FOR PETE'S SAKE.................or your in laws. Don't you feel any obligation to them...................will you just let them rot?
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  mrsjones5

  If I had to I would do it. Would it be a hardship on me, my family, my marriage, my health, my sanity? Yes, but I would still do it. My parents, especially my mother, arent the easiest people to get along with but I feel obilgated as their oldest daughter to look after them if need be. I just dont look forward to it.

  Josie
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  skyman

  
  I have enjoyed in the past having my wifes grandma live with us. Grandma had allway's hated me because she thought I was a spoiled brat that was handed everything in life. She learned by living with us that I was not the person she thought I was. I would set and listen to her stories about her past, she loved the fact I cared. She helped out around the house alot. She now lives with my inlaws. What I thought was going to be HELL ended up enjoyable.

  We allso had my wife's dad live with us for about six months. Him and my mother inlaw had spilt up for a while and I really enjoyed his stay. Yes he was allways in our bussness!!! but I have one over on him now, he knows he owes me. From that time on he has treated me very well. Prior to him staying with us he did not like me at all. Being the good JW that he is and all I caught him doing some very bad things to get even with his wife we even have a video of him doing something that is grounds for DFing. I have him exactly where I want him.