GTTM,
My heart breaks for your situation. I thought at one time the same way. My wife and I were the inner circle. Served in foreign countries.....going for the brass ring and all that.
When my doubt came out (it took a while to mature), I like so many others, couldn't keep my mouth shut and develop a plan. So it strained my marriage. I remember my wife hitting me with her fists while I drove. So unlike her. Her world had shattered behind my revelations that I couldn't do it anymore.
When I REALLY began to empathize with what that meant for her, what she was going through, and how i MYSELF would have felt at one time had the tables been turned.....I instinctive began to speak to her differently. With more compassion, tenderness, and avoiding language that woul raise the hairs on her neck.
Instead I would use comments like, I can't go against my conscience and teach somethign the society os ok with, but i do not feel had Gods support. Something like that. Its like using their own language against them. I meant it when I said it. It was a nice way of saying I think they are wrong and I will have nothing to do with it, without having to cause a defensive reaction. In other words......it was more about ME, and MY searching. She wouldn't ask me to do something my conscience would accuse me with......would she?
It took time, but she is also out now. Pioneer for 16 years (since she was 13). Entire family in. Both sides. If she can leave.....anyone can.
But here is the kicker. We really love each other. We do. We have a great marriage, and now we have young children. Its not always roses, but push comes to shove, we love one another.
So just some thoughts. No matter what, i hope it goes well. Take care of your kids, and insulate them from this. be the REASONABLE one. Don't let her call you an apostate. Tell her its childish. She wouldn't appreciate you calling her a bitch i suppose. Resorting to name calling won't help.