It has been over 10 months now since I stopped going to the kingdom hall. I had imagined how I would really find my way to God now that I was no longer being misled by the WTS ( for - profit) publishing company. I kept reading the bible, because people on JWD had told me how I would see it in a different light. I didn't see it in a different light, so I stopped reading the bible. I tried to pray a few times, but as usual, it felt like talking to the ceiling, so I stopped praying as well. I have not opened my bible in several months and have not prayed in just as long.
Do I have the feeling as if "something is missing"? No I don't but it does worry me. I still don't think that life came to be by chance. But if God created us, then I don't understand why he couldn't be a bit more clear as to who exactly he is and what exactly he expects of us. Should I tell this to a JW, they would tell me hellllooooo it's right under your nose. See, God speaks through the GB, how more clear can it be? If it were that simple, then there would be one religion, just one. The fact that there are so many religions proves that there is no clarity at all. Should I conclude that this means that God doesn't really care whether we get to know him or not?
Speaking of which.. does he care? If he was the "loving father" the JWs talk about, don't you think that he would care for his "children" a bit more, and not let them starve to death? I understand that earthquakes are necessary for the cycle of nature and such, but if he was so caring and so almighty, don't you think he could make earthquakes happen in the middle of nowhere so that they would not kill thousands of his innocent children? If you're a father and your kids fight, don't you split them up? Well, this loving father's children go to war and kill each other. Oh but wait, he was going to do something about that during "this generation", which was, let's just admit it.. the generation of Jesus and not the generation of 1914.
What am I supposed to conclude here? Either he does not exist (but then we have the problem of the intricate designs of life to deal with), or he just does not care. If he doesn't care, then why would I? What if he does care and I have it all wrong?
But isn't that whole garden of Eden story a bit far fetched though? The first pair sins, tempted by satan, and thus all their offspring has to suffer and pay for what they did? And the world is given in the hands of satan to do with it as he pleases and try to turn people away from God? So one day I am baking 3 different kinds of cookies and I tell my kids they can eat the yellow ones and the blue ones but they can't eat the red ones. So tetrapod comes along and he tells my kids that the red ones are the best ones and it won't hurt to eat them. So my kids eat some red cookies. Then I find out and I punish not only my kids, but I will make sure to punish THEIR kids as well as soon as they are born. And their grandkids, and the ones after that.. and I tell tetrapod that he can now have my home and everyone in it and do with it as he pleases, and he is free to try and turn my kids against me. What is wrong with this picture? What would you call this kind of behavior? Personally I would call it childish and irrational.
But what am I to do now? Where do I stand and where do I go from here? I have lost the illusion that there will be a paradise where everyone will be young and healthy forever. Do you know how tough it was to part with this comforting thought? Yes, I think you do know, because you have had to deal with the same feelings. But if there is no such thing as a paradise, then what is there? Nothing? I don't want to die if there is nothing.
Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.
