(((fairchild))),
first of all, thanks for making me laugh my head off when you chose to represent satan as me. i am honoured, LOL.
second, i want to say that i really, really enjoyed reading your thread post. i thought it was well written, but more importantly, it took me right back to the time when i was feeling very, very similar about god. it's been a while since i have had these feelings and thoughts and rationalizations. and that was a beautiful trip. thanks.
but what i really want to say is this:
everyone is an atheist. there isn't anyone who believes in all possible gods. therefore, everone is an atheist about the gods that they already do not believe in.
so, don't be afraid to continue on in your journey. in a way, in a simple way, you already know how it works.
however, i do understand the feelings of loss. it's true, atheism is not as comforting as beleif when confronted in ones own mortality, or with the task of finding greater meaning to our existence. we end up giving ourselves our own meaning. this is beautiful at once, and right away it is also tragic. i think, personally, that we have really screwed ourselves up with this god concept. we're sort of crippled for life, in a way.
but life is beautiful without god. the sense of awe wells up from within. you notice that it comes from within, and not without. and this is when life becomes beautiful for the non-believer.
i noticed you mentioned a couple of things about design, and creation. and it's true, creation and design does add meaning and specialness to our existence in a very certain way. but the fact of the matter is that evolution is a much more simple explanation for the amazing nature that we are a part of. however, ironically the simpler of the two explanations is the harder one to learn.
nature, at first glance, looks like a fine tuned watch. but then again, what else would it be?
it's like the infamous dawkins' quote where it is observed that a puddle is perfectly suited for the dent in the road, because it fits it so well! and not the other way around. the creationist says that the puddle is perfectly made for the dent. the evolutionist says that the dent dictates what shape the puddle takes. and that is nature too! every organism fits the ecological niche it is a part of because the niche has dictated to the organisms ancestors exactly what form it should take, and hence the appearance of organisms that fit their niches so well. this looks like magic at first glance, but upon further observation and research, you realize there is no magic other than what we assign to it.
if you ever look at some complex biological life form, and want to understand how the evolutionist explains it, just put 10 million mutations between it and a distant ancestor of a different "kind". and then, if you still cannot fathom how something that novel and complex arose with no design, then just put another 10 million tuned mutations in the mix, and you start to see that nature is the best designer because there is just no other way that it could be. if it wasn't as fine tuned as evolution, then there would not be any of this.
i recommend www.talkorigins.org an excellent site that will answer your technical questions about nature and the amazing, yet unconscious, brilliance of it.
you are so right though. if god had any intention for us to be on par with him, there would be no other religions and no confusion. but even if god was who he said he is, merciful and loving, then there would not be all this crap. either that or we have a more evolved version of mercy and justice, and god has simply fallen behind. or perhaps, perhaps we have outgrown ancient notions of sky gods, living up on the mountains, and answering petitions from mortals. perhaps, and ironically, we are becomming human in doing this.
well, i'm not making sense, sorry. maybe more later.
anyways, it's really cool that you have been honest with yourself and your efforts to befriend god. this one last god of gods. it's takes strength, good for you. and remember, there is no rush and no pressure. we're not JWs anymore. it's okay to be wrong about stuff, and to take all the time in the world to figure it out.
TS