I think the worst thing about holidays is feeling obliged to invite ALL the family even if they dont get on.
Now that I have started celebrating christmas I have told my partner im only going to cherry pick the bits I like, and im not going to feel obliged to do any part of it I dont like. I said I havent celebrated it for 30 years why the hell would I start feeling obliged to do the crappy bits? So we dont go to his sisters house, and we dont make an effort to invite his mum and dad at the same time because thats what his family christmasses always used to be like before they got divorced. And I wont buy anyone a present who I dont like, including his nieces.
I can only suggest you might have to exclude your violent brother from future family bashes (tough - when he learns to sit at the table nicely without causing a fight he can come).
And well done for at least fighting back. He sounds quite scary and possibly a bit of a bully.
Hubert- You guys have done well in weeding out the cause of fights.
katie- I wish I could exclude him sometimes....but the thing is everyone gathers at my mom's for the holidays. My mom (being the JW gone non-JW she is now) would never exclude any of her children...YES, it's gone from the JW extreme of shunning to the non-JW extreme of never shunning.
To tell you the truth though, I'd hate not having him around BUT I just can't put up with his fits anymore.
I went to my husband's Aunt Jean's house for Thanksgiving last night. I havent seen any run ins but it's come close a few times. What I heard last night was that a few people were banned from coming to the house for bad behavior in the past. Aunt Jean had called them up and told them not to come and she even bought enough food for one of them to have a personal Thanksgiving meal because they had no where else to go. I dont consider this shunning but I do consider this to be very responsible of my Aunt Jean because we had a lot of children running around and the ones she banned have problems with drinking, drugs, fighting, and stealing.
Illusions die hard. Sometimes when you were a JW you assumed that non-JW family members treated badly because of your religion. Then when you are an ex-JW, nothing changes and you realize that non-JW families don't necessarily get along either.
The Games People Play
Oh the games people play now ev'ry night and ev'ry day now Never meaning what they say, yeah never saying what they mean.
People walking up to you singing glory hallelujah Then thy try to sock it to you, oh in the name of the Lord
Look around tell me what you see What's happening to you and me God grant me the serenity To remember who I am
That's funny, I've been saying that to myself alot lately. I just started this job at Target and I know the folks there are getting used to me but sometimes I feel that they are treating me like I've never had a job (just some little mircro inequalities) so I've been saying to myself "This job is not who you are Josie" and "I know who I am".
When I was a kid, my parents almost always hosted Christmas. For the most part it was like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting. I think one year my uncle got drunk because he and my aunt were going through a rough patch in their marriage, but there wasn't too much fuss and no arguing that I was aware of.
My ex-husband's family, on the other hand, always ended up in a drunken brawl at practically every holiday get-together. Mostly it was his stepmother's fault (it was also her family). She'd get plastered and then start criticising her brothers and sisters. It sucked. I was glad when we moved out of state so we didn't have to go through that any more. If I'd have had more guts, I would have refused to go.
Josie- you're Aunt might be a genious. I like her style even if she isn't.
blondie- thanks for that. Thing is I think he is the way he is because he was around JWs. And his experience was different than mine and much much worse. He just won't deal with it. Won't admit anything bad happened to him. I don't know. I can tell him I'm tired of his outbursts but in the longrun I can't see how I could push him out. I just don't know how to make it more clear that he needs help.
Josie- I worked at Target for a little while. I had people coming at me in front of customers because they thought I had gum in my mouth or I told an old woman obviously in her late 80s that I didn't need to see her ID after she struggled opening her pocketbook (this was when Target carried cigarettes) so I got "talked to" by security and several managers....I still don't understand why I needed 5 managers. I couldn't take it and left abruptly.The manager told me that I "shot myself in the foot" because not only was leaving I leaving but I was leaving without notice...it's good for the cash BUT never take it seriously. hmmm....seems I have a lot of anger about Target...I'm going to have to work on this.
Yeah, these landmark occassions can amplify family dynamics, sometimes not in a good way. Package that up with your yearning for the "ideal" picture of family life, and sure, lots of chance for disappointment.
My friend hated Christmas because her parents always drunk themselves to a state of inhibition so they could say what they really mean, have a screaming fit, and spoil the Christmas for all their children. Her husband, on the other hand, loved his Christmas memories and all they meaned to HIM. They spent the first couple of years of marriage negotiating a new set of memories for her, adding or discarding traditions based on what THEY liked the most. She had to bury her memories and start over. Now she loves the season. Wouldn't skip a single moment. It took work, though.
What if your brother got a private time with your mom before or after the main event?
Yeah, realistically it would be hard to exclude him. Couldnt you sit him on the naughty step?
I suppose the only other option, if it got really bad would be to exclude yourself and explain that you just couldnt handle your brothers anger spoiling things every year. If it got REALLY bad with him. Then your mum would have to decide do I have it without the good kid or without the bad kid?
Its kind of the same in a classroom, and in the end as much as you want to include everyone you cant allow the bad kid sto spoil everything for the good kids. (although its WAY more fraught with emotions of love and guilt in a family)
