Help! How to find FRIENDS? (page 3)

Finally-Free

My greatest obstacle is wanting to find friends. I had many friends before I was a JW, and I dumped them all when I joined the cult. Then, as I JW, I went 20 years with no friends at all. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, I just couldn't fit in. During that time there were "worldly" people who tried to be friendly with me, but I kept them at arms length because they were "bad association". So I spent most of my time alone, and eventually began to prefer it that way. I began looking for excuses to turn down the few invitations I received to wedding receptions, etc. Now my life consists of going to work, going out to buy groceries, and puttering around at home. I occasionally exchange emails with a handful of people, and I talk to my mom on the phone regularly, but that's it. I guess I've become a practicing antisocial.

W

bailabklyn

Oh my God, you sound like me!

jgnat

Thank you all for your contributions. I'll incorporate them all in my STRATEGIES.

jgnat

SPAZnik made some great points, I'm saving them:

If there ever is a moment you want to explain for some reason, tell them you look 30, but you're really only 16 right now, letting yourself go through a childhood you missed out on right now. Or an early mid-life crisis if you will. (You'd be amazed how many people will look at you with complete understanding on both of these descriptions.)

You could explain that it was like going awal from the army, socio-politically speaking.

Explain that it's like being an non-visible minority. :) (People kinda get the racism analogy)

I was surprised at how many people I encountered with not THAT different situations, at least emotionally and psychologically. No they weren't raised in a total cult, but some were raised and CONTINUE to live with, insanely power-trippy parents. Our background was a religious cult. Others are raised with must succeed educationally and financially at all costs "cult"ure. Still others are raised with totally whacked out family issues psychologically and emotionally. Everyone has a story. You're not the only one.

Take up a hobby that interests you. (and if you're not sure ask people, do you have a hobby how did you get started? or i'm thinking of doing this, know any good starting places?) Get a pet. Set goals and honour them. Go easy on yourself. And definitely check in with us to keep us posted or vent or whatever. :)

You seem to be on a good track, acknowledging realistically your emotions and the realistic challenges of your situation and asking questions. Keep it up. :)

Take time to acknowledge your strengths so you won't feel completely overwhelmed and you'll know what you DO have in your arsenal to work with. Then brainstorm ideas that appeal to you as to how to break down your most urgent challenges into bite size pieces. (war of attrition it's called....kinda like jab jab jab jab jab...just keep on jabbin' til you've kicked butt ;)

Remind yourself of things you did that were "normal" as a dub. Such as going to school or learning to ride a bike. That's kinda what it's all like, going back to school and finally getting back up on that bike.

People like talking about health and exercise, I've found.

People also like talking about pets, hobbies, work and family.

One of my closest friends just wanted someone to go for walks with.

It can be that simple. Just gotta be open to that. :)

If you want a little entertainment from it all, ask people about sex, religion, money or politics hehe. Tell people: I've never voted due to being apolitical in my past, for various reasons which I won't bore ya with right now, but now I'm looking to learn a little about it. Have any suggestions on where to start? Do you feel comfortable telling me why you approve or disapprove of a certain party. Sit back and watch the show. (specially if you ask in a room of a few people haha) (*glint*)

for real though, Go easy on yourself. And when you "screw up", don't beat yourself up for it. Don't expect yourself to handle it all perfectly. Give yourself 77 eff ups, just for old times sake ;) Then just don't keep track. Tell yourself "good thing that wuz one of the 77 times" and laugh at how nutty it all is.

Bottom line: we're all people, we're all human. we all have things we feel misunderstood about at different times in our lives. we all experience the same range of emotions if for different reasons.

Also, look how well explaining yourself humbly and asking questions works. :) Just think up questions to ask people (now and then, don't wanna totally interrogate or leave impression of complete incompetence) and see who get's real witcha. :)

Love yourself. Congratulate yourself on little successes.

codeblue

Great thread Jgnat!!!

Great ideas!

Might I add, taking your dog to Starbucks, grabbing a coffee and sitting down to "watch" people is a great way to meet people!!! Tried and true, I have done that...and yes I have a cute little dog....dogs are always "natural" conversation starters.

For those that don't have a dog, borrow your neighbors and go have fun!!!

Codeblue

jgnat

Yes! I can vouch for the borrowed dog plan. Most dogs are too housebound anyhow, and our neighbours are delighted that we want to help out...and so is the dog! We bought our own special leash and the weekly walk has become a ritual.

We get the fun without the responsibility. Kind of like being grandparents. Boy, I love getting old!

wednesday

one thing I noticed about the jws "friends" I still hae is they are clueless as to how to react when people disagree with them. I have one friend who will make a atatement, such as "xxxxx in the B&B is a extremely beautiful woman, zzzzz is ugly.

I said, that I also thought zzzzz (also from B&B) was beautiful and she flew into a rage and well I thought she had flppped out. how could I think that? No one is in their right mind would think zzzzzz beautiful.etc. She does this all the time. Somehow she feels that b/c she has the "Truth" in religion, that she also has the only opinion that counts. And this woman can not understand why people shy away from her.

TopHat

By friends, do you mean people one would want to hang out with on a regular basis. I have old friends from my teen years that I am in touch with by way of e mail and work friends who have retired and moved away, but still in touch. I haven't made any new friends since the 80s...I have always been to busy with family...Life goes by so fast. I know a few neighbors but they are as busy as I am. How does one find the time to make friends. Oh! Wait I have a new friend from Alaska for two years. We met on a Navajo discussion board....we chat all the time on the phone and we hope to met her this year some time. She is Jack Mormon and I am a Jack JW. LOL She wants me to go to her Indian church in NM and drink peyote. I told her I would observe but not participate. She sounds like fun to hang out with....I will show her around NYC when she visit.

jgnat

Top Hat, all I can say is, friendships take time and they take work. I agree that friendships are a rare thing even outside of the WTS. I see it with the young couples in my neighborhood and my work-mates who are busy with their families. I am past the baby-making thing, so I do have time to invest in friendship building, I estimate about four hours a week. My work-mates (we were discussing time management) were instantly jealous of my free time. But I do consider that investment to be worthwhile. Otherwise I would turn in to that whiney parent, begging the children to visit, (I never see you any mooooore.)

Perhaps clubs and churches provide the necessary routine that busy people can use to stay connected to their larger community.

clueless as to how to react when people disagree with them.

Wednesday, very insightful, and very true. A JW employee I observed years ago concluded that her co-workers disliked her, but she was completely baffled as to why. I watched her interact, and I saw right away. She didn't listen.

Help! How to find FRIENDS?

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