Hypothetical situation...

by zanex 14 Replies latest jw friends

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  zanex

  Suppose for one minute that a disfellowshipped son that has been df'd for over 10 years and gone through al of the stages of emotional and mental departure that one goes through when leaving the agency..erg...society. Now that df'd son's father is an elder and his mother is the standard female figure within a JW marriage and neither one of them had any meaningful contact with their son for a long long time. Now this son has already given up on them long ago but now there have been some indications that things are changing...the father stepped down as an elder...the son heard that there were "spiritual issues" with them...and all of a sudden there have been emails from the parents as if they still consider themselves parents...eventhough the son has already more than moved on. Should the son accept them back if they cross that bridge and decide to try to make themselves a part of his life? What if he has truly given up on them? Is there a path for the df'd children who become adults and then one day the same people who shunned them all of a sudden returned asking to be involved in their life? Can there be a path for forgiveness for those family who were blinded by the "truth" and shunned those closest to them? (scratches head) this is not a real situation in the fullest extent of the details but want to get ideas on what others would do...

  -Z-
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  LDH

  Zanex,

  For starters, you should have lunch with LDH at the Old Spaghetti Factory on Monday so we can speak more about this. Are you up for it? I come and go on this board, mostly go, but I just saw your post!

  If you still have my cell #, it hasn't changed.

  Lisa

  Close Enough to Help Class
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  jeanniebeanz

  It has taken almost 10 agonizing years to get past this crap and I would not ever want to go through it again. I would be very, very cautious. These people are capable of suspending reason and that makes them dangerous.

  Just an opinion. I would have a hard time accepting my parents back. There would have to be heartfelt apologies and abundant evidence of change in them over time. I don't ever want to go through that again. Barely survived last time.

  Jean
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  zanex

  Lisa! Hey there! Spaghetti factory sounds awesome..i dont have yer nmbr anymore...my last phone met with an unfortunate accident in a toilet..sigh.
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  serendipity

  Hi Zanex,

  My grandmother is on her deathbed. My mom (her daughter) is facing regrets from a lifetime of ignoring her mother, not due to shunning, but just being too busy and self-absorbed with her own life.

  If your family tries to mend the relationship, consider it. You can let them know their past actions hurt you, that you feel there love is conditional, but you are willing to forgive. You can try to keep an emotional distance until you are sure you can count on them.

  If you don't make an effort, will you feel guilty or regretful at a future date?
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  AuldSoul

  I agree with jeanniebeanz, although it would ultimately be your-...er, the "son's" decision. Proceeding with caution would be my advice if he decided to proceed at all. For real trust to be developed again, it would likely need to be founded on a NEW relationship, with new dynamics. Likely they don't even know you-...er, "the son" anymore in many key ways.

  A minor qualifier to jeanniebeanz insightful post: If the son was ever a dyed-in-the-wool Witness then he also had the ability to suspend reason. Just because someone leaves doesn't mean they have overcome that trait, but usually if someone is leaving they are shedding that part of their former selves along with the JW mindset.

  This negative view of education is really stirring the "spiritual" waters in paradise.

  AuldSoul
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  stillajwexelder

  Well you have to remember that JWs are NOT christain. So even though they do the very unchristain and unloving shunning, does not mean taht true Christains should not welcome them back and stoop to their unchristian level. So yes if the son wants a realtionship he should forgive the unloving parents and welcome them back - after all the yhave been trapped in a cult
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  Legolas

  Are you the son asking if you should accept the parents back? (LOL...I am tired so forgive me I might have read that wrong)

  If you are the son, I would give them a chance. They probably feel like sh*t after realizing it is all a lie (If in fact they did)!
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  riverofdeceit

  So even though they do the very unchristain and unloving shunning, does not mean taht true Christains should not welcome them back and stoop to their unchristian level.

  I am not Christian either. I don't think you need to be Christian to be loving and forgiving. You do make a valid point that they are/were brainwashed. Maybe they are figuring it out now and whether or not they deserve another chance is really up to the (hypothetical) son. If they are reaching out and it isn't to convince him to come back, unless you absolutely hated them, I would say why not give it a shot.
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  jwfacts

  I think family is very important and so would recommend that you invite them back.... but..... be very careful to ensure that they truly want a relationship with you that has nothing to do with the WTS. Try to work out their motives first.
  I would make it very clear that the only way you were able to cope with them shunning you was to consider them as dead and that you will not allow them back into you life if there is any hint that they will ever put you through that again.
  Quite possibly your father needs help from you. It is very hard and unnatural for a parent to shun his family and he may be suffering great guilt. On top of that he may be going through all the turmoil that JWs go through when leaving the cult. You can guide him in how to leave the WTS through first hand experience. This only applies though if you can determine if he really is having serious doubts. But you will be running the risk of them going half way and then in a fit of FOG running back to the WTS leaving you worse off than you were before.