She's back - here we go again!

by Why Georgia 28 Replies latest social relationships

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  mustang

  "the bible says we should forgive 1000 times."

  This is one I wish to comment on; perhaps these thoughts will have some relevance to your situation.

  I have personally endured such a situation involving repeated offenses: my JW father called me every two weeks for 23 YEARS to try and drag me back to the KH. I had gone through much discussion with him over the years and these calls always ended up in a shouting match about me not going to meetings, FS and the ever-present DO MORE (or DO SOMETHING…)

  My reason for the long suffering was that early on, he said I didn't show him any respect. So, I would listen as long as I could tolerate it after that, and try to be a "dutiful son" in that respect. At about the end of my longsuffering, I realized that respect for him meant that I would "do the troof", whether I felt it was right or not.

  I also realized that he was expecting me to be his slave and show a subservience to him, no matter what. I am not kidding, he actually believed that was to be the way of it. I am quite certain that he took the old patriarchal scheme of the bible totally to heart. Dad was a very real throwback to biblical times. It then dawned on me WHY he was so totally enamored of the JW's: enslavement of the family unit to him WAS PART OF THE PROMISE!!!

  After this longsuffering, I did the math on it: that was 598 times!!!

  I recalled that Jesus said that we should forgive 70 times 7. That's 490 times.

  I decided that my father had "exceeded the warranty" on this one.

  Now, I sat and did the thought exercise: did Jesus mean this literally? I suppose that he did, up to a point, for he threw out a large number.

  But, in counterpoint, does this give us a license to do large numbers of objectionable acts? No, I don't think Jesus meant this. He put up with the moneychangers in the temple and then threw them out, for instance.

  I believe that even Jesus would have to say that there is a limit to any such forbearance; further, I believe he would agree that that limit would be accelerated to zero when the privilege that is extended is abused.

  I then recalled that my father had muttered once that I 'had to forgive him'. That was it; I quit answering his phone calls!!!

  I think these principles should be applied to that "the bible says we should forgive 1000 times" business.

  Mustang
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  Honesty

  She can be very cruel.

  She is on a spiritual feeding program that causes her to act in the same manner she is accustomed to being taught.
• 

  Why Georgia

  Blondie - I have heard of the book Toxic Parents and what's funnier is its sitting on the bookshelf at my MIL's house next to all the WTS books. I will go buy it and I will read it.

  Bikerchic - I also hope that this problem is off my radar in a few months. I know that I was very much enabling my husband and in some ways I am probably still enabling him. I have told him that he has to deal with her and give her any information that he wants her to have.

  Unbeliever & Luna 2 - I wish that he would stand up for us too - this has been going on for 8 years I don't think he will. But all he sees is Mommy and he is extremely forgiving of all her imperfections. She is a master manipulator and gets him every time.

  Mustang - I am sorry for how you were treated by your father. You are amazingly strong. You make some really good points about using other bible principals to counteract the 70x7 times of forgiveness.

  On a side note...I don't think this problem is going to go away. I think this is going to be a cycle of life as long as MIL is alive. She will go through periods of shunning us - then she will decide she wants access to her grandkids. I hear from my husbands oldest sister who now has nothing to do with his Mom that this is what she has always done. I know the best advice for me to fix whatever is broken in me that keeps allowing this into our lives. I think sometimes I am a shmuck.

  WG
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  jgnat

  You've got love-blindness, Georgia. You are covering for your husband. I understand, I have the same ailment.

  Teach him to spot manipulation. Talk about manipulative behavior before hand. Get him to make a list of things his mom tries on him, and how she gets him to cave. Then, on your next visit, ask him to do a mental check on how many of those techniques she is using on him. Labelling it is the first step in reducing it's power.

  Second step is, "I won't take this any more."

  Third step, practicing defences against the manipulation.

  Good luck on the first step.
• 

  Why Georgia

  You know Jgnat...you are right. I am love blind.

  He and I have agreed over and over that she is disfellowshipped from our lives because of her behavior. Its not me that says...hey lets go see your Mom. It's him.

  It usually starts with....I got a phone call from my Mom today.

  And I am the daughter my mother raised me to be...I am a people pleaser and I don't like it when someone doesn't like me and I think even a part of me is hoping that someday everything will be all rainbows and chocolate bars....but then the realistic pessimist part of me that's been around the block a few times knows that it's never going to be that way with this woman.

  She consistently breaks our rules and he also doesn't enforce them because he doesn't see what' she's doing as a problem...This is just how his mom is and how she has always been and I need to change my mindset (that's what he says to me).

  He always tells me that I need to change and be more forgiving. I never had these kinds of problems with people before this woman came into my life. Most people like me and think I'm a very nice and kind person! I don't know if it's a JW thing or a mental illness thing...because there is plenty of that to go around.

  As I said before I am being a Shmuck and I should be stronger and just protect my boys.

  I'm done with my emotional spew...sorry.

  WG
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  jgnat

  Awwwe, smooches.

  I agree, if he WON'T admit to the problem, protect yourself. I wouldn't rant and rave all over him about her failings, just be a Blondie and fade in to the shadows. I swear, if Blondie were a Ninja, you would never be able land a single kick or swing. By the time you think you'll connect, she's gone.

  So, say things like, "If you don't mind I think I and the boys will stay home today."

  and

  "Not this time, dear, I feel a splitting headache coming on."

  and

  "Sorry, I can't come with you this week, the boys and I have a play date booked with Sally down the street."

  Your body is taking over where your mind has failed. It says, "No more go."
• 

  Why Georgia

  An update.

  My husband spoke to her last night in the car as we were going to get some dinner. She wants to give us her snowblower. It's about 15 years old and broken...but she thinks we can use it! Oh yeah......how generous.

  My husband asked our oldest son if he wanted to talk to Grammy on the phone while we were in the car and he yelled....cause he was in a bad mood yesterday....I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HER!!! And she heard it.....

  This apparently prompted her to say...I wish I could have spent more time with the kids.

  My husband said something to the effect of ....You could have at anytime.

  Then she proceeded to ask him home improvement questions...this is the usual Modus Operandi. She was asking questions about her stove and he told her how to go up on the roof and clean the chimney pipe herself...LOL! Usually he would have done this for her...

  So I think it's not that she wants to see the kids...its that she wants to see her handyman. My husband used to do all kinds of work for her around her house and on her car... but when she wouldn't treat our family nicely... he stopped doing anything for her. He said why should I do work for you - you can't be nice to my wife and you aren't fair to my children...

  WG
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  truenote

  Sweetie, I am niave with saying this but somehow find a way. I have to endure constant battles with my decision because I left the "truth.'

  But, I truly love the people eventhought they feel my decision is wrong. I just focus on loving and not what they say or do all the time.

  Not real practical, but so far I still handle the comments, and stick to my guns so to speak.
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  Why Georgia

  Truenote - Welcome to the board and thank you for your thoughts on this subject. I am sorry you have been treated badly for leaving the Watchtower.

  It's very hard for me to be loving to someone who hated me before she even met me and has continued to cause problems in my marriage and instigate lies with our family. If she were sorry and didn't do it again...maybe, but she cannot change or show any form of true love.

  WG
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  Why Georgia

  Update So MIL called Darling Husband and offered him the snowblower back since he bought it and it cost a lot of money...he wanted it because our backyard is basically a parking lot...and its a lot of shovelling!!! So he decides he's going to go get in on Monday night...and asks #1 Son if he wants to go with him. This pissed me off because I don't want the kids around her ( But I did knew it was coming...because this is a recurrent subject at our house) and because he didn't discuss any of this with me first....#1 Son wants to go because he loves the toy closet at MIL's House and he wants to see Darling Husbands sister who lives with MIL. I say no - have a nice time.... But #1 Son goes into a full tantrum when I say he can't go....and then Darling Husband says do you want to look like the badguy who won't let him see his Grammy? So I say fine and realize I have to go because he will be outside putting the snowblower in the truck and she's not going to be alone with my son...and immediately my stomach starts hurting and I feel all pukey. So we go over...MIL doesn't say anything to me. She does talk to #1 Son and comments on how big #1 & #2 sons have gotten. She tries to hold #2 Son and he screams and tries to get to Mommy. #1 Son says he doesn't know who you are Grammy...you're a stranger. Then #1 Son was talking about Christmas and going to see Santa and she was looking upset and like she wanted to say something because she opened and closed her mouth a few times like she wanted to talk...I could see it on her face!! I put a stop to that with the Evil Eye look that I have perfected. #1 Son goes on to tell her all about his Veggie Tales Easter and Christmas Video's and all about the Bible...and about how he goes to a Christian School, chapel, music class and plays Soccer. All things she didn't know. ( I hope she feels badly because she's missing out on his wonderfullness). Husbands sister came home and played with the boys...She has never seen #2 son and she asked if she could come over and see the boys. I told her you are always welcome...but I don't put much faith in it since she's been saying that since we moved into our house 3.5 years ago and has never managed to drive the 9 miles! As we were leaving MIL said goodbye..usually she gives #1 Son a hug. But she just shut the door. Husbands sister gave the boys hugs and was ultra friendly. Darling Husband said...See everything is okay she was great. I just said you don't know know how hard that was because you were outside...and he said everything seemed okay. You all were talking to eachother...I said we were talking to the children - not to eachother. It's very hard to be around someone who you know doesn't like you, has lied about you, and treated you badly on more than one occasion. I told him....You are so oblivious.... I love Darling Husband and that he has hope that everything will be good with his family...but after 8 years I am just tired of her. Only her feelings matter, it doesn't matter how she treats other people...she's the victim and the one being persecuted. She's so broken she can't even being truly loving to our kids or to Darling Husband. I wish she could see how her behavior effects other people. Don't get me wrong..I know I have my issues too - I am definately not perfect .... I have 2 sons and I don't think for a minute that I am going to be completely happy with whoever they choose to spend their lives with or all their decisions....but I don't ever want to loose my boys so I will shut my mouth and smile.. especially when and if Grandkids are involved... It will probably be another 6 months at least before we see her again. And I didn't do anything or say anything that I will be ashamed about later or cause problems....but I never really know - anything or nothing can set her off. Chrystal aka Why Georgia