the week from hell...I need input please!

jonjonsimons

I just found out my best friend died this morning. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just need some input. We were very close and worked together volunteering for the AIDS foundation here in my hometown. We would help people with house cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, whatever was needed. We were even roommates for a couple of years before I met my partner. We had drifted apart slowly over the past couple of years, you know phone calls on birthdays and holidays, that kinda thing. He never told me he was sick, and I'm kinda pissed at him for that. Anyway we both started volunteering for the AIDS foundation after a close mutual friend of ours died from it. We made a pact years ago that if either of us were ever to die the other would not attend the funeral. The reason we did this is because at that time we had buried 26 mutual friends in 6 years, and I live in a semi small town in Ohio folks, that's scary. We made a pact at that point that we would never attend another funeral, even each others. It was kinda like we were the survivors in our circle of friends. And for the few of you about to make snide comments I want you to know that not all of those 26 friends who died of AIDS were gay. One of them was my high school girlfriend who was a JW and who caught it from her Elder husband who liked to visit hookers and who BTW was DF'd, divorced her and then was reinstated 6 months later, and the bastard is still alive to this day. Anyway my dilema is this, I made a promise to a friend that I'm not sure I can keep. I promised him I wouldn't go but my heart is breaking at the thought of him being put in the ground without me being by his side.
I really don't know what to do. All I know is that I'm so tired of having to bury my friends. Sorry to unload but I'd really appreciate any input.
Peace and love to you and yours,
Jon
PS Simon bless you for banning Friday from the board. I couldn't take his shit right now.

NeonMadman

I think that would be a pact I'd have to violate. I couldn't let a dear friend pass without showing my respect. Funerals are for the survivors, not the deceased. Going will give you an opportunity to deal with your own feelings, and perhaps to give some comfort to others who are grieving. I vote you go.

Naeblis

I agree. Sometimes we say things and make promises not really knowing exactly what it will require of us. In this case...I think you both were very hurt obviously at the loss of so many friends and tried to insulate yourselves from it by making your pledge to each other. You owe it to your friend not to keep a promise influenced by emotional pain, but by going to the funeral and honouring his memory.

Ranchette

Jon,
Forget that promise!Go say goodbye to your friend.You will feel much better than if you miss the funeral.
Believe me your friend will be much more forgiving with you than you would be to your self if you don't go!
I am sorry for the losses of all those friends.
Ranchette

josephus

sorry to hear about your trouble.

if you want my thoughts, here goes...

if you dont go youll never get closure.

if you go youll be sad, and maybe cry.

if you dont go youll allways wish you did.

if you go you be present at the last thing in your freinds life.

i can think of no greater honour to a person that mourning him at his funeral.

i hope you go, but thats just my opinion.

a good freind of mine committed suicide years ago. i couldnt go, and i still regret it.
i could have gone if i had REALLY wanted to, but it was too sad at the time.

i wish i could do it again.

love

josephus

jayhawk1

Jonjonsimons,
My heart goes out to you, but you MUST go and be with your friend. If you do not go, you will REGRET it forever. Sorry for your loss, and I am here for you.

"Hand me that whiskey, I need to consult the spirit."-J.F. Rutherford

riz

Oh jon,

I'm so sorry. Please email me if you need to talk. You sweet man, I am here if you need a friend.

I promised him I wouldn't go but my heart is breaking at the thought of him being put in the ground without me being by his side.

Then go.

If you feel that way now, you will definately regret it later if you don't go. He would understand.

sending love your way,

riz

Francois

I'm sorry your friend is gone, but he is and you made your promise to a live friend. Life is for the living. You're living. Regret is a terrible life partner to have to live with every day.

Go.

Frank

joelbear

Dear Jon,

I lost my grandfather when I was 12 and it devestated me. I hated the funeral.

I lost my best friend to drowning when I was 16. I went to the funeral home and couldn't go in. I went to see his wife who was also a best friend and I couldn't do anything but just sit there. I went to his funeral and swore I would never go to another funeral.

My favorite uncle was murdered when I was about 22. I didn't go to his funeral, I couldn't stand it.

My best friend Ira, the first openly gay man I ever knew died when I was 35. I held onto him with the rest of his close friends. He didn't have a funeral, he had a memorial service where we all talked about what we loved about him. I could only stay for the first couple of people and I had to go outside and sit there and just sob my eyes out.

I haven't been to a funeral since.

I think you have to decide what is best for you. Going to a funeral because of cultural expectations is not necessary. Do what you think will help you cope with your friend's absence the most. I grieve deeply when I lose someone, so an hour at a funeral is to me an irrelevant ritual.

hugs to you buddy

Joel

Bridgette

jonjon,
Sweety (I don't know you, but I want to give you a hug right now). I'm SO sorry for what you are going through and what you have been through. Not much to say that anyone else hasn't--just want to add my condolences and blessings to you and your departed friend(s).
Go say goodbye...
And just a side note (not to get on a soapbox here) but I work in a major hospital and AIDS IS NOT A HOMOSEXUAL DISEASE. It does not care who you sleep with or how. AND despite new treatments it is STILL VERY MUCH A THREAT. So, please, please, whoever you are, take care of yourself and those you love.
Bridgette

The world is my country and to do good, my religion.--Thomas Paine

the week from hell...I need input please!

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