I recieve many PMs, emails, and more recently, many thread replies which ask me a simple question.
Why are you disassociating yourself? Why not just fade?
Well, here's why.
My mother, and her mother, are in the "truth". My mother married my father during an inactive period in her life which lasted about a year. My father is not in the truth.
My mother is a very strong person. She can convince anyone of anything, and those who won't listen will just get browbeaten until they do. My mother is also easily convinced. If the Society told her to walk on her hands, it would only be minutes before the calluses would start to form. My mother rants. and she raves. Sometimes (often), she says things she doesn't mean / doesn't mean to say. I love my mother.
My father, although a very physically intimidating man, is a pushover. He's not soft. Not weak either. Just a peacelover. He just would rather yield to my mother than fight against her.
For those reasons, I was raised an active Witness all my life. All 17 years, 8 months, and whocareshowmany days have been full of field service, meetings, conventions, and assemblies. I've grown up my whole life with mostly the same set of friends ( at the hall that is). I've had my share of ups and downs within the org, and have watched these "friends" dance in and out of association with me.
A good portion of my childhood was spent sitting in a chair opposite my mother, listening to her regurgitate Bible rhetoric to me. Then she would go off the steepest slippery slopes, and across the wildest tangents. I would break down to tears as she repeated one point, time and time again, merely rephrasing herself each time. What was bad was when I done nothing, and she was just upset in general. Thats when the hurtful comments are made. But thats also when the truth comes out.
I can see in my mother's eyes how much contempt she has for the "world", and for those who don't wholely base their lives upon WTBTS teaching. Sometimes, I wonder if the only reason she's still with her worldly husband is because Jehovah wouldn't want her to leave him.
When I was around 15, brothers in the congregation started subtly bringing up the topic of baptism in discussion. Then, when I told my mother, she'd spend hours telling me what a protection it was, and what a joy. At all the assemblies/ conventions she would make sure that our seats were literally one row behind the rows of baptism candidates. Then, people would walk up, and congratulate me on getting baptized, forcing me into an awlward postion having to tell them I wasn't getting baptized "this time". Whats worse is this only made my mother think she was doing what was right. It's not her fault, but she caused it.
Then, in the spring that I turned 16, I decided that although I wanted to leave the truth, it would be awkward for me to get much older without being baptized.
So, I did it. I told the elders that I wanted to get baptized. Mom told the world. We went over the questions, and then it came. July 17,2004. The day of my baptism. While the brother gave the talk, I sat there and opened my notebook. I began to form a letter to the elder body, which I planned to give them the day I turned 18.
this way:
- I can walk away from the Truth. for good
- My mother won't be able to discuss any spiritual matters with me ( no ranting), if she chooses to talk to me at all.
- All the people who know me through the congegation will be forced to take a stand either with or against me. I know that most, if not all will stand against me. But it will show who my real friends are.
- This will also show them that I'm out. I'm not going to humor them, and continue to play along, or sneak around in order to stay sane.
- When you fade, you still play their game. DAing myself will be me standing, and breaking the chains, and leaving.
My disassociation letter also nullifies my baptism. I was a minor when I entered that contract, and as an adult, I'll be able to withdraw that. Regardless of whether or not it works, I also ask to not be harassed. I back this by threatening to sue each elder individually if they do so. In my letter, I list each elder's full name, spouse name, childrens names, and home address. Just so they know, I'm not playing around.
I hope this, although lenghty, has shed some light on my choices, and explained somethings which I might have neglected to mention in the past.